Am I wrong to not want to date Damaged Goods? (boyfriends, marriage)
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Some of you guys need to realize an objective (and rational) viewpoint is not an attack on your character, or ever action that you've made during your life. No one is judging you specifically, but rather stating their preferences.
Why is this so hard to understand?
I'm not sure who you were addressing here but it sounds like the women? The term "damaged goods" sounds extremely judgmental, but when it's a rape or domestic abuse, just who do they think is damaging us? Some guys here like the OP and a few others sound like in the old days when a woman would get raped and then couldn't marry anyone respectable b/c she wasn't a virgin any more.
You are not wrong. Some people chose to avoid drama before it starts and recognizing people with issues (unresolved) that will make for a bad relationship is smart.
I do have to say, make sure that you allow someone in your circle to date. No one's perfect. Consider your deal breakers. Be flexible with minor things. Sounds like you are fishing in the wrong pond.
First off, I'm a male in my 20's. When I look for a female for a LTR, the first thing I look at after her attractiveness is the red flags. I refuse to date any women with past issues like Bipolar, Borderline, any visits with a shrink, medication, attention whoring, divorces, cheating, promiscuity, abused as a child, domestic abuse, rape, making bad choices in males, etc. Looking at the net for men who got burned in relationships, it always seems like there a few traits in common in those women who have relationship troubles. I will not think twice to run away as fast as possible if a girl tells me she takes medication for some disorder she has. If she says she is bipolar, I leave instantly. I refuse to waste my life giving into any kind of woman who has crazy potential. Ironically despite having high standards in the baggage department, I have relatively low standards of attractiveness. I find all kinds of women attractive whether they are young, old, petite, or tall. Just as long as they don't look bland, I can find most women attractive.
Am I wrong or shallow for looking at these things?
You say all this now, but if you fall in love, trust me, you'd forget all this stuff. Love is illogical and you can't help who you fall in love with.
I couldn't help after browsing through this thread, whenever someone brings up that they want to have a healthy relationship and they stay away from damaged goods (i.e. BPD, single moms)...it's always the usual suspects that rush to the defense. Some of you guys need to realize an objective (and rational) viewpoint is not an attack on your character, or ever action that you've made during your life. No one is judging you specifically, but rather stating their preferences.
Why is this so hard to understand?
The OP dumps all sorts of women together with various issues, problems, etc. as if WE are put into a pile of "misfits toys" separate from the other women who have not had these issues. Then some of the men here want to come into the thread and pat each other on the backs for not wanting these "damaged goods." I don't know on what planet you reside where this isn't considered an attack on someone's character and person, but where I'm from it is exactly that. You are the 'usual suspect' that always want to talk about rationality and common sense: well use yours to figure out why some women would be offended and take a post like this personally because there's no other way to take it if you belong to any of these groups. I at the very least own up to how I feel about men and the ways in which they behave, this OP is trying to act like there is nothing at all wrong with referring to someone's life circumstances as "damaged goods." You and the OP don't seem to grasp, that it's not about "I want a healthy relationship" and "stating my preferences" it's about singling out certain types of women and then marking them as "unworthy" and "unwanted." And at the end of the day that is fine with me, b/c as I said before majority of them are no better and no good themselves as far as I'm concerned.
Why should someone be rewarded for making bad choices?
Sometimes people don't realize they were bad choices until they've already made them. I can't look into the future necessarily and I've made some pretty dumb choices in my life. As they say, hindsight is 20/20.
Of course, I take medication for a genetic disorder I will probably never be cured from, so I know I'm considered 'damaged good' for most men out there, especially when there are perfectly healthy girls to choose from.
You can't force someone to like you, so it's no big deal
Duly noted. Now do a little correcting of those chalking this "preference" up to being "smart"
The ability to dodge a bullet or predict it's trajectory is a great sign of a thriving, intelligent and rational mind. Preferences are usually determined by intellect, and making sound choices.
The more people who see baggage for what it is, should be commended for making the better choice to just say no.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka
I'm not sure who you were addressing here but it sounds like the women? The term "damaged goods" sounds extremely judgmental, but when it's a rape or domestic abuse, just who do they think is damaging us? Some guys here like the OP and a few others sound like in the old days when a woman would get raped and then couldn't marry anyone respectable b/c she wasn't a virgin any more.
I'm curious, where you alive in the good days? or the pre "1950" years as I like to put it. I always hear this brought up in discussions about Men sounding as they were from the good old days but a huge sampling of people who state this were not alive during that time. If so please ofter an anecdotal experience, I love hearing personal viewpoints.
I'm not sure who you were addressing here but it sounds like the women? The term "damaged goods" sounds extremely judgmental, but when it's a rape or domestic abuse, just who do they think is damaging us? Some guys here like the OP and a few others sound like in the old days when a woman would get raped and then couldn't marry anyone respectable b/c she wasn't a virgin any more.
Such a great point!
Speaking of "damaged goods", including people w/mental health issues, there's been a study that says there's a remarkable number of men in our society who are sociopathic, but the corporate culture rewards that, so they appear to fit in and be successful. The difference between that type of "damaged goods" vs. the examples the OP gives (bi-polar, etc.) is that there's no medication for sociopathy. Rather, the culture tends to reward men who lie, manipulate, bluster and finagle their way to the top, ruthlessly crushing opposition to their path.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Such a great point!
Speaking of "damaged goods", including people w/mental health issues, there's been a study that says there's a remarkable number of men in our society who are sociopathic, but the corporate culture rewards that, so they appear to fit in and be successful. The difference between that type of "damaged goods" vs. the examples the OP gives (bi-polar, etc.) is that there's no medication for sociopathy. Rather, the culture tends to reward men who lie, manipulate, bluster and finagle their way to the top, ruthlessly crushing opposition to their path.
It's basically a job requirement for a high-paying CEO, lol.
I prefer "damaged goods". I can relate to those women much better than I can some princess who has never experienced pain in her life, or has been sheltered and still thinks the world is made of cake and lollipops.
The ability to dodge a bullet or predict it's trajectory is a great sign of a thriving, intelligent and rational mind. Preferences are usually determined by intellect, and making sound choices.
The more people who see baggage for what it is, should be commended for making the better choice to just say no.
Make up your mind. Is the OP merely giving his preference, or are we to believe this mentality is in some way superior?
It seems to me the most intelligent thing would be to put consideration for who a person is in the present over what they've gone through in the past. Making assumptions about a person because of one part of their lives is foolish, not smart. But if you also think this boils down to a man being "smart", could you respond to the following?
Since, naturally, we want every man out there to be as smart as possible...
These women are undateable. Having been raped or abused, having had just one divorce, etc... means you don't deserve to be loved.
Isn't that the gist of it?
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