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First off, I'm a male in my 20's. When I look for a female for a LTR, the first thing I look at after her attractiveness is the red flags. I refuse to date any women with past issues like Bipolar, Borderline, any visits with a shrink, medication, attention whoring, divorces, cheating, promiscuity, abused as a child, domestic abuse, rape, making bad choices in males, etc. Looking at the net for men who got burned in relationships, it always seems like there a few traits in common in those women who have relationship troubles. I will not think twice to run away as fast as possible if a girl tells me she takes medication for some disorder she has. If she says she is bipolar, I leave instantly. I refuse to waste my life giving into any kind of woman who has crazy potential. Ironically despite having high standards in the baggage department, I have relatively low standards of attractiveness. I find all kinds of women attractive whether they are young, old, petite, or tall. Just as long as they don't look bland, I can find most women attractive.
Am I wrong or shallow for looking at these things?
of course your not wrong , your approach is entirely sensible , i myself was damaged by a ****ed up woman i should have avoided many years ago , leave those people to their own crazy kind
I can agree with you to a certain point, but I think you may be a little too extreme. Just because someone has had abuse does not make them a bad person.
I can agree with you to a certain point, but I think you may be a little too extreme. Just because someone has had abuse does not make them a bad person.
While I suspect the OP would hesitate to call them a BAD person, I find it amusing that people think this way in general. Avoiding "damaged goods" and all, because if they were to ever become "damaged" in any of these ways, they'd cry every night that no one was giving THEM a chance. The only difference would be that they'd actually DESERVE to be lonely.
I can agree with you to a certain point, but I think you may be a little too extreme. Just because someone has had abuse does not make them a bad person.
I'm not saying someone who was abused is a bad person (though if she continues to stay in a abusive relationship, she is bad), I'm saying that I don't want to deal with the aftermath of a woman who was abused. I don't want a relationship where its give, give, and more giving and I have to cater to her every emotional whim because of all the issues in her life.
I'm not saying someone who was abused is a bad person (though if she continues to stay in a abusive relationship, she is bad), I'm saying that I don't want to deal with the aftermath of a woman who was abused. I don't want a relationship where its give, give, and more giving and I have to cater to her every emotional whim because of all the issues in her life.
But you could end up with a woman like that, even if you steer clear of every "type of" woman listed in the OP. To automatically disqualify one because of something you think might mean something else is silly.
No, you're perfectly normal, and have more common sense than most.
You're in your 20s, I'll give you some advice:
Life is Hard. Don't make it more difficult than it actually has to be.
A few things about mental illnesses. They are long term, and if you are not prepared to deal with it, than have the courage to admit that, and leave those people out of your life, because they will complicate things. You don't want your spouse physically or emotionally abusing your children, right?
People are what they are, and you cannot change them. Remember that it's a person (in this instance a woman), not a dog.
People will only change if they suffer a near-death experience, like being beaten to within a few millimeters of death, or having a disease and nearly dying, or some other situation that nearly causes them to die. It often, but does not always, result in people evaluating their life and at least making an effort to change their life and their behavior.
And the last point is key: Behavior. Behaviors are learned. You cannot undo in 6 months or even 6 years a behavior that someone has learned for 20+ years (or even longer).
Which brings us back full-circle to people are what they are, and they are that, because that is what they have learned throughout their life. Why? It doesn't really matter why. All that matters is that you either accept their behaviors and learn to live with them, or you cannot accept them and reject them (which is always the best course of action when such behaviors are undesirable or destructive).
Women who are high-maintenance, you're not going to change them. They will change when they are in their mid-40s to mid-50s and realize their pathetic life is gone and they are alone and will die alone. Maybe. A lot of them will come to that realization, but shocking as it may be, many will die that way.
Men and women who bed-hop, that's what they do. That's what they are. You cannot change them.
Men and women who are relationship-jumpers, you know the ones who are really retched and pathetic and have no self-esteem, since their entire self-worth is based on being attached to someone, anyone, all the time. In particular, those are women who love abusers and love to be physically abused. Why? It doesn't really matter. All that matters is that they are programmed that way, and they will not change.
Women who dye their hair have mental/emotional illnesses. They do not love themselves, and if they don't love themselves, then you will never be able to love them enough. They try to change their appearance. I'm not talking about a woman who has auburn hair and dyes it another shade of auburn, I'm talking about women who die their hair blonde when they ain't blonde, or dye it black when their hair is another color. You can see that too in women who use lots of make-up. They are overly insecure, and not happy with their own appearance, and hide that under layers and layers of make-up. They should be avoided.
There are many healthy men and women out their, you just have to find a good woman, and no they are always easy to find. I would be best if such women had neon signs, but somehow I don't think that's going to happen.
Anyway, you're very discriminating in what you want, and that's good -- because it is for your own protection and peace of mind.
The first questions I always asked women was how long since your last serious relationship (if I don't hear a minimum of 6 months -- Big Red Flag), then how long have you lived alone -- again, I want to hear about 1 year or so.
What is the purpose of that? Women with low self-esteem, like relationship jumpers, go from one, um, you know, "serious" (snicker) relationship to another. They meet a guy, and then 2 days later, they are, uh, "serious" and that ends after 6 months, and 3 days after it ends, they are, uh, you know, in a "serious" relationship, and that last 2 months, and then a day later they're in another "serious" relationship.
A lot of women never lived alone. They live with mummy and daddy, then move in with boyfriend, then leave boyfriend to move in with another boyfriend, then move to live with another boyfriend, etc not good.
A strong, mature, healthy, independent woman will have lived by herself for at least a year. And yes, I count room-mates as living by herself. I see no problem with that, and in fact, it demonstrates sound financial decision-making on her part. She chose to live with a room-mate giving up some of her independence in a short-term sacrifice to get a long-term gain from the money she saved, even if she was saving it for nothing more than a cruise or a Summer traveling around the US or Abroad.
If you get a chance, I recommend taking psychology courses geared toward law enforcement. It will give you an advantage by helping develop your listening skills, because people will tell you things, but you have to hear what they say, and then of course, sometimes what people don't say is more important than what they do say. And then body language is critical too.
The reason I say that is because a woman might say she likes children, but liking children and wanting children are not the same thing (I found that out the hard way).
Also, about Bi-Polar, there really is no such thing. Originally, it was called Manic-Depressive. It was very rare. People afflicted with such mental illness would be manic -- meaning they were giddy almost to the point of appearing drunk or stoned -- and then within a few days, just suffering severe depression to the point that they were laying on the floor or in the bed in the fetal position.
The definition has now been expanded to the point that includes nearly everyone on Earth who ever lived, who lives now, and who will live in the future.
If you want to collect Social Security Disaility Insurance, go to a psychologist and tell them you are "moody" being happy sometimes and, uh, "depressed" sometimes, and then also just mention in passing that you get angry or are violent. They psychologist will give you a diagnosis of, um, "Bi-Polar" (snicker) and then pass you off to a psychiatrist who will give you some medication, and then you go apply for your SSDI benefits, kick back and wait for the bureaucracy to roll on.
I would also question this:
"I have relatively low standards of attractiveness."
Your standards aren't low, rather you see beauty differently. I don't have a TV, but here on C-D I've seen a lot of threads on the Kardassians, or whoever they are. A couple of months ago (maybe longer than that) I was at Kroger's in the checkout and I saw Kim Kardahsien (whatever) on some tabloid cover, and I thought WTF? People are falling over for that? Not only is she not beautiful, she ain't even pretty. I think on another thread I said she'd make a train take a dirt road in reverse.
So, I wouldn't worry. Just keep on doing, what ever it is that you do. And never forget that life is already difficult, so there's no point in making it more difficult than it has to be.
Philosophically...
You would refuse someone because someone else perpetrated a violent crime against her?
I'm not saying she is a bad person because of that (but she is bad if she willingly stays with an abuser), I'm saying I'm not going to deal with all the issues that come in the aftermath of her abuse. Is it a coincidence that people who have been abused in the past rarely ever have healthy long term relationships? I don't.
Why would anyone want to date damaged good, but who isn't damaged to a certain degree? There are no perfect people
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