Am I wrong to not want to date Damaged Goods? (sociopaths, long-term)
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First of all, no one said damaged goods have to be unstable. It all depends on your definition. You seem to think being "undamaged' means a girl who hatched out of an egg yesterday.
Second of all, you're now saying that if you are damaged good yourself (which this post implies, you are), you would still not settle for anything less than undamaged goods in another person.
This would be called hypocrisy.
Mod cut: Orphaned.
Reading comprehension.
Quote:
I don't believe I have any major issues but that doesn't matter.
nowhere did I imply that I did have issues. The post was speaking from a hypothetical perspective. And no its not hypocrisy. If I was an alcoholic, it wouldn't make me a hypocrite to want a woman who is not an alcoholic.
nowhere did I imply that I did have issues. The post was speaking from a hypothetical perspective. And no its not hypocrisy. If I was an alcoholic, it wouldn't make me a hypocrite to want a woman who is not an alcoholic.
Mod cut: Orphaned.
So you deserve someone who is "better" than you by your standards then? That's not hypocrisy, but possibly delusional. You'd better bring some powerful other qualities to the table.
So you deserve someone who is "better" than you by your standards then? That's not hypocrisy, but possibly delusional. You'd better bring some powerful other qualities to the table.
Mod cut: Orphaned
Do you think if someone has BPD, they should be only allowed to date people with BPD? Deserve has nothing to do with it. I never said I'm entitled to someone better than me. I'll go after better people but if it doesn't work, I'm not going to post on C-D many threads on why women are shallow. All I focus on is improving myself every day to become the best version of me. If that won't get someone "better", oh well.
First off, I'm a male in my 20's. When I look for a female for a LTR, the first thing I look at after her attractiveness is the red flags. I refuse to date any women with past issues like Bipolar, Borderline, any visits with a shrink, medication, attention whoring, divorces, cheating, promiscuity, abused as a child, domestic abuse, rape, making bad choices in males, etc. Looking at the net for men who got burned in relationships, it always seems like there a few traits in common in those women who have relationship troubles. I will not think twice to run away as fast as possible if a girl tells me she takes medication for some disorder she has. If she says she is bipolar, I leave instantly. I refuse to waste my life giving into any kind of woman who has crazy potential. Ironically despite having high standards in the baggage department, I have relatively low standards of attractiveness. I find all kinds of women attractive whether they are young, old, petite, or tall. Just as long as they don't look bland, I can find most women attractive.
Am I wrong or shallow for looking at these things?
Oops. You just ruled out like 95% of the population.
First off, I'm a male in my 20's. When I look for a female for a LTR, the first thing I look at after her attractiveness is the red flags. I refuse to date any women with past issues like Bipolar, Borderline, any visits with a shrink, medication, attention whoring, divorces, cheating, promiscuity, abused as a child, domestic abuse, rape, making bad choices in males, etc. Looking at the net for men who got burned in relationships, it always seems like there a few traits in common in those women who have relationship troubles. I will not think twice to run away as fast as possible if a girl tells me she takes medication for some disorder she has. If she says she is bipolar, I leave instantly. I refuse to waste my life giving into any kind of woman who has crazy potential. Ironically despite having high standards in the baggage department, I have relatively low standards of attractiveness. I find all kinds of women attractive whether they are young, old, petite, or tall. Just as long as they don't look bland, I can find most women attractive.
Am I wrong or shallow for looking at these things?
I don't think you are shallow as much as you are overly cautious. There are so many people, not just women, now a days who are on medications for depression, bipolarism and other disorders. Anxiety in today's world is one of the most highly chemically treated disorders out there. It is so easy for a doctor to prescribe medicine for a patient who perhaps is slow to heal mentally. I think what you do need to learn, and you are young, is that there are many, many people out there now who have had bad experiences in bad relationships who perhaps just need a good guy like yourself to bring them around. Doesn't mean you have to instantly feel sorry for this girl and marry her to end her woes...even if you just become her friend, what's the harm? Kudos to you for not being materialistic with regards to looks..however it still doesn't cover up for the fact that compassionate is also a big plus to have when you are trying to "sell yourself" to a woman. The next time some poor soul starts talking to you about her issues, listen before you run away. You might find out that this is a great person who just ran into some big nit wits during her lifetime. I myself have been married 3 times..WOW you say? Well, see, now you would run from someone like me, but here is the "skinny". My first husband I married when I was barely 20 and we had a child right away. He was an alcoholic who chased women and loved his whacky tobaccky and more. I stayed with him for 10 years almost 11 and then left. I was a basket case being on my own with my son but managed. Did I date? Yes..quite a bit. I made a couple of bad choices dating but remarried for the second time when my son was 21. My 2nd husband had a heart attack a year later at age 42 and passed away at home 6 months later. I found him. Did that mess me up..YES of course it did for a time so I stayed single for 6 more years and then met my 3rd husband who I am still married to today. I told him ALL of this stuff right off the git so he had his chance to run. He didn't. We are beyond happy and yes I have a few bruises but he would have missed a great life had he run from me...I am good to him. So.....like I said....don't run from someone with a few bumps and bruises. You might be missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime with a nice woman!
Do you think if someone has BPD, they should be only allowed to date people with BPD? Deserve has nothing to do with it. I never said I'm entitled to someone better than me. I'll go after better people but if it doesn't work, I'm not going to post on C-D many threads on why women are shallow. All I focus on is improving myself every day to become the best version of me. If that won't get someone "better", oh well.
You didn't rule out JUST BPD. You ruled out a whole lifeboat of common disorders and life experiences. That's not just an alcoholic not wanting to date other alcoholics. That's one guy with some issues of his own not wanting to date ANYONE ELSE who might have even a hint of an issue. (OK, I'm wrong: You are hypocritical.) So you're trying to improve yourself? That's great, but guess what. So is a large percentage of the people you are meeting - and a large percentage of the women you ruled out with your magical list.
You're looking to find a functional woman who has no emotional scars or baggage who's willing to take on a guy with undiagnosed/untreated anxiety and control issues who brags about not spending more than $50 on a girl before he gets in her pants and would apparently not be able to handle it if she ever developed any issues of her own. The more you post on this thread, the more delusional you seem. Work on your humanity and you might stand a chance at having a relationship that isn't a complete train wreck.
Short answer: No. It doesn't make you shallow. From past experience, I have dealt with women who have had bad relationships (through either their fault or their partner's or both,) and that attitude resonated through our own relationship and strained it to the point of breaking.
That said, don't automatically disqualify someone based on their past. See how they have learned or grown from said experience, and make your decision from there. Some people refuse to move on or learn from past errors, while others become better people from them.
The thing that I have absolutely no tolerance for is when women criticize men who don't want anything to do with them because of their attitudes based on past experience. I was reading the blog of a woman who went through a particularly nasty divorce a few years back, and she would claim that a "real" man will deal with her emotional baggage and that one who doesn't want to is not worth her time. I do believe in providing comfort to a partner, but there's a point where said partner needs to stand on their own two feet. Don't take the issues that you had with your ex-boyfriend or husband out on me. I have no problem with being a sympathetic ear, but show me that you're strong and a fighter, don't let me be merely a guest to your pity party.
It's also ironic, too, because the women who claim that they are baggage-free and drama-free, along with the ones who post those stupid relationship memes on facebook tend to be the ones with the most issues.
First off, I'm a male in my 20's. When I look for a female for a LTR, the first thing I look at after her attractiveness is the red flags. I refuse to date any women with past issues like Bipolar, Borderline, any visits with a shrink, medication, attention whoring, divorces, cheating, promiscuity, abused as a child, domestic abuse, rape, making bad choices in males, etc. Looking at the net for men who got burned in relationships, it always seems like there a few traits in common in those women who have relationship troubles. I will not think twice to run away as fast as possible if a girl tells me she takes medication for some disorder she has. If she says she is bipolar, I leave instantly. I refuse to waste my life giving into any kind of woman who has crazy potential. Ironically despite having high standards in the baggage department, I have relatively low standards of attractiveness. I find all kinds of women attractive whether they are young, old, petite, or tall. Just as long as they don't look bland, I can find most women attractive.
Am I wrong or shallow for looking at these things?
As a guy, I think you are mostly ON-track ... but bear in mind that people can have some of those things yet be able to function properly because they got healed over the anomolies that happened to them , or, being on suitable medication it makes it very manageable. Often we cannot help the things which have occured to us in the past that have affected our Soul and emotions and i dare say if i digged far enough i could find a quirk or two in you that might be a deal-breaker to a woman. That said...you want to be careful with people who have an ongoing nuerosis because it lends to a toxic relationship if not remedied and for that, you are wise to distance yourself if considering another for a marriage partner ; however i do believe many good friendships can be had with people that are trying to overcome certain challenges in their life and i find that all of my friends fall into that category including myself . A good book which addresses this very subject is the best seller book by Dr. Warren called 'FInding the Love of your Life' on www.amazon.com and he devotes a couple of chapters to the topic you have raised. Good luck in your pursuit of the opposite sex for friendships and possible marriage.
I don't think it's wrong as it's not hurting children or animals and isn't illegal.
I have a similar filter and don't date guys that paid prostitutes/escorts, are virgins/inexperienced, had a nice guy phase (misogynistic entitlement), paid prostitutes/escorts, sexually harassed/sexually asssaulted/raped/physically assaulted gals Mod cut: gross generalization. are divorced, have cheated, or had what I labeled issues (depression, bipolar, borderline, social anxiety, medication, shrink visits).
I don't think it's wrong as it's not hurting children or animals and isn't illegal.
I have a similar filter and don't date guys that paid prostitutes/escorts, are virgins/inexperienced, had a nice guy phase (misogynistic entitlement), paid prostitutes/escorts, sexually harassed/sexually asssaulted/raped/physically assaulted gals Mod cut: orphaned., are divorced, have cheated, or had what I labeled issues (depression, bipolar, borderline, social anxiety, medication, shrink visits).
I think you just described about 99.5% of the American populace ! Do you spend many saturday nights in from of the TV per chance ?! Whats up with not dating guys who are divorced ; is that worse than having scurvy ? Explain what that is important to you.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 07-07-2012 at 08:51 PM..
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