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Why is it so hard for two people to remain friends after they break up? Or is it?
Well, many break-ups are one-sided. So that would be one reason. Too painful for the person who still wants in. That leads to...bad behavior.
Many break-ups end badly. So there is animosity and the very strong feelings of like/love are inverted just as strongly the other way. Doesn't make for a very nice friendship.
Last...if you want to fully emotionally extract yourself from a relationship, you need to get away from that person for a while so that you can sort of emotionally 'reset,' if you will. Think of it as a detoxification. Then you can see them and talk to them and interact without bias or clouded judgment.
I am friends/friendly with 2 of my long-term relationship exes and a couple of people I more casually dated. The ones I don't talk to at all anymore...one of them I think would have nothing to offer me as a friend...the other won't talk to me.
We typically choose our friends based on how much we have in common with them, such as hobbies, interests and personal tastes. When choosing a friend, I might look for someone who reads a lot, for example, and who can discuss books or politics/current events, or who likes the same type of movies and music concerts as I do.
These things aren't important to me when choosing a mate. I look for someone who's dedicated to getting from one day to the next, who's OK when both of us simply need to be quiet and go to our respective corners. In most cases, I can't think of anything that I'd want to discuss with any of my exes — or anything that I possibly could.
Interesting. You and I are opposite in that sense.
I look for commonalities in a mate. This is someone I have to spend a lot of time with...it would be best if we had a lot in common and enjoyed a lot of the same things. Not to mention same values, ethics, etc.
I look for people to expand my world view in my friends.
I kind of want both in both my mate and my friends, but those are the most important of the two.
I don't know if I'm accurate, but it seems to be it is almost expected that after two people who have been in a serious relationship break up, they do not remain friends. They may drift apart, hate each other, be indifferent, or be on congenial terms, but it seems it's not really conventional for them to remain really good friends afterwards.
Does this vary if the two people were good friends BEFORE they became romantic? Versus if they were only ever romantic together.
I mean sure it does happen, but is there something about being in a relationship that ruins a friendship?
I don't really see why it has to.
Yes I have much to learn, but please don't refer to me personally. I just want to talk in general.
Hey trimac.
Yes, you are accurate, I think it depends on the people, the nature of the relationship, the incidents, the time they spent split up and so forth.
I have several good friends that I was in relationships with and we were either not intimate or intimate but adult enough to know that we were never going to work.
And some ex's that ended bad and they were not mature enough to deal with the split therefore never to be thought of as friends again.
I have maintained friendships with most of my ex's, life is to short to stay angry forever.
And then there is one ex whom is still bitter after 17 years.
As I stated it is really based on the individual, where they are emotionally and maturity...
I don't know what your experience was but I bet the marriage wasn't that passionate..thus you're able to be friends like its no big deal. I could be wrong, as I'm not you but that's how I tend to see it.
Umm I was married for 10 years and HE cheated..yet we have a child and we share the best p[art of us and this is a good reason. I have found forgiveness in him to realize that our marriage was not a sham and we made something awesome! And we are better as friends than anything.My other ex's? Okay it did not work there was anger there but should it last forever? People grow and change. And if they do not? Processing a powerful thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SassySpice
Why would you ever want to remain friends? When it's over, it's over. Failed relationships are usually filled with resentment & disdain, so who wants those ill feelings hanging around. There's enough people in the world to make new friends, throw the trash out & move on. In other words get over it.
I get it, especially if it was really bad but if it was really just not being fit to be b/f and g/f? Why get pissy? There was a reason that you both meshed so well to begin with..friends is always better than ugly and enemies
Quote:
Originally Posted by HurricaneDC
I never saw the point. It prevents the healing process from moving along. It's like... idk... if you're such great pals why the **** did you break up? It just doesn't make sense to me.
Not to mention every one I know who maintains constant contact with their ex STILL isn't over them. Even 2-3 years after the fact.
YOU? I AM SHOCKED.
Processing and giving yourself time is healing. It does not mean being a pushover. Or being over them
It means that enough time has gone by that you can accept the break up, accept your fault in it, you have either asked the other person for forgiveness or have given it ( This is the only way it can work) you accept that you are human and so are they, you were both in different places than you are now.
You forgiuve because life is too short, this does not mean you hang out all the time but it does mean that if you run into each other you can say hi "How are you doing" and you mean it.
That is real growth and maturity. Being the bigger person whether it means apologizing or accepting the apology
I've always found it impossible to remain good friends immediately after a break up due to the strong feelings involved. Obviously, if the relationship was serious, the love and affectionate feelings will still be there and it would be too hurtful to enter a new role as platonic friend to someone I care deeply for and an still attracted too and that I know is now free to date and love someone else. Its deeply distressing to me. So I usually have to sever ties for a few years until those emotions go away. And they take a goo while.
YOU? I AM SHOCKED.
Processing and giving yourself time is healing. It does not mean being a pushover. Or being over them
It means that enough time has gone by that you can accept the break up, accept your fault in it, you have either asked the other person for forgiveness or have given it ( This is the only way it can work) you accept that you are human and so are they, you were both in different places than you are now.
You forgiuve because life is too short, this does not mean you hang out all the time but it does mean that if you run into each other you can say hi "How are you doing" and you mean it.
That is real growth and maturity. Being the bigger person whether it means apologizing or accepting the apology
Yeah, and that's where I'm at with my ex. I've run into her once or twice and we're mature enough to be civil and what not. I'm talking about people who still cling on to their ex and never fully heal because they never accept the fact that it's dead and done.
Umm I was married for 10 years and HE cheated..yet we have a child and we share the best p[art of us and this is a good reason. I have found forgiveness in him to realize that our marriage was not a sham and we made something awesome! And we are better as friends than anything.My other ex's? Okay it did not work there was anger there but should it last forever? People grow and change. And if they do not? Processing a powerful thing.
Is that a friendship or just tolerating him for the sake of your child? That I can completely understand, but you're telling me he cheated on you yet you're friends??? No way I would be friends with someone who disrespected me like that, but if we had a child together, I would be civil enough after a divorce, sure.
I get it, especially if it was really bad but if it was really just not being fit to be b/f and g/f? Why get pissy? There was a reason that you both meshed so well to begin with..friends is always better than ugly and enemies
Simply not being a good fit probably means it wasn't too passionate, thus maybe a friendship is better and again, taht makes sense and I think exes in that situation can definitely be friends. I'm talking about relationships with deep passion that don't work out..impossible to be friends in that situation, even if it does end amicably.
YOU? I AM SHOCKED.
Processing and giving yourself time is healing. It does not mean being a pushover. Or being over them
It means that enough time has gone by that you can accept the break up, accept your fault in it, you have either asked the other person for forgiveness or have given it ( This is the only way it can work) you accept that you are human and so are they, you were both in different places than you are now.
You forgiuve because life is too short, this does not mean you hang out all the time but it does mean that if you run into each other you can say hi "How are you doing" and you mean it.
That is real growth and maturity. Being the bigger person whether it means apologizing or accepting the apology
My first love doesn't live here anymore so being civil isn't even an option but if for whatever reason I were to see him again, I would be civil. We're adults and mature enough to not cause a scene somewhere just because we used to be madly in love, lol. that's kinda stupid to do. However, I consistently run into another guy I've dated and he hurt me pretty bad but I'm polite and acknowledge him if I see him. I imagine its more awkward for him to see me anyways since he knows he was the one that was less than nice to me in the end. Either way, what you're describing is hardly friendship..its just being nice and respectful which in my opinion, is how it should be. But hanging out on a regular basis with an ex "as friends"? sounds like it should have never ended anyways. Unless of course it was a relationship like what you described above: simply not a good fit and its a mutual agreement and in that case I see how friendship would work. My parents had a terrible marriage and they don't even need to keep in touch now that they're divorced since we're all grown but they're civil and my dad will sometimes help my mom out if she needs something but that's not very often. I wouldn't say they have a friendship though.
Interesting. You and I are opposite in that sense.
I look for commonalities in a mate. This is someone I have to spend a lot of time with...it would be best if we had a lot in common and enjoyed a lot of the same things. Not to mention same values, ethics, etc.
I look for people to expand my world view in my friends.
I kind of want both in both my mate and my friends, but those are the most important of the two.
I think it depends on the nature of your interests. Essentially, my life is writing. Most of my friends are writers — journalists, novelists, etc. Put two of those personalities together in the same room, and the egos bump up against each other with dispatch.
I need someone who will ground me. Someone logical, analytical and organized. To compensate for all of the things that I am not. Most of the men I've been seriously interested in work in an area of science, math, engineering, etc. Love that personality type; it soothes me.
I've dated writers and quickly discovered that we make better friends. Lovers? Not so much.
A guy I dated (mostly LDR) for four years, he announced to everyone we were engaged, and then weasled out of it for a piddling reason. He's dated a lot of women in this town and he has this "thing" about staying friends with the women he dumps or the women who dump him. Now, most people would say this makes him a "Good Guy" but check this out: he chases a friendship with you like a dog chases a car, but he never makes amends or gives an apology for having wronged the woman in the relationship. So, I reject him when he approaches me, because I've come to the conclusion that he only stays "friends" with women so he can get benefits and run away if the feelings re-kindle after any possible drunken, impulsive, ill-advised hookups.
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