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When I was younger I always wanted a houseful of kids to love when I got married. And now with the dh I have him and I only have one together and I don't want anymore with him. So I'm not having anymore and I'm beginning to get sad and depressed. He's a good father but not a good provider, and I refuse to support my kids and him for the rest of my life.
So as much as I don't want to say this. But sadly I'm done having kids.
So he is a GOOD father but not much of a provider? Consider the child lucky - I have seen great "providers" and I have seen suicide - crimminality...and general losery take place in the lives of children who had money and a stupid hard working father.
Looks like you married a dreamer...put it this way - If he was the woman - and you were the man - would you dump him because he did not come up with extra cash on a steady basis? Probably not...some men are very good and have mothering skills - more motherly instincts than the female.
Maybe you are the provider and he is the father and protector? Maybe you are approaching the whole thing from a sexist and stero-typical point of view? I remember when my wife said to me - "I will have another child if you PROMISE..to works steady " _ well I am what I am - an artist - and musican...and got into the film buisness that was fun and tolerable...no - I did not get a steady job - she had the last child - my youngest son that is about to turn 22...He is hard working and a brilliant artist also - If I had agreed with the wife and did what SHE thought was right - My son would have never been born - the world is a better place with my son..
People have been having children for thousands of years - but in a consumer driven society...the man is put under needless pressure to provide things that you don't need..which turns him into a slave - BETTER for you family to be a bit poor and healthy - than have more cash and no father - Let the poor guy contribute what he can...
If you hound him he will be unhappy and no one will want to employ a miserable person...be positive and you will get more out of the child like man ----and that is what you love about him - His honest boy like qualities...would you rather have a finacial preditor that brought home the bacon by harming others? Or would you like to keep this good man - consider yourself lucky _ I was just like him..My four kids are grown...we all survived - I gave my children nothing materially _If they want something in the world let them hunt it down and get it - Which they do - they love me - and I love them - I am close to my adult kids/// and they are industrious and support themselves..
Where as my older brother and his wife - have a million bucks - one son killed himself - and the other is on medication....I made the right decsions...I am poor and successful...My older brother is rich and a failure.
Want all the protections and rights of being an empowered woman, yet still expecting the man to bring home all the bacon...
Awesome entitlement. If you married for the right reasons it wouldn't matter.
I can't help but agree with part of this post. It might be a conclusion she is jumping to when she says her husband intentionally tries to get fired I don't swallow all of her story, hook, line, and sinker. There is always more to a story than meets the eye. Maybe he learned his tactics from watching women with hold sex AFTER SAY I DO... You both need to sit down and have a conversation with each other and iron this out. Sometimes one child is all a couple can afford...
When I was younger I always wanted a houseful of kids to love when I got married. And now with the dh I have him and I only have one together and I don't want anymore with him. So I'm not having anymore and I'm beginning to get sad and depressed. He's a good father but not a good provider, and I refuse to support my kids and him for the rest of my life.
So as much as I don't want to say this. But sadly I'm done having kids.
I don't understand why you are sad about making a wise decision not to bring more children into this world. Focus your energy on your children who are already here. They need you and it sounds like you could potentially be a single parent in the future.
Turn on the TV any given time of the day and you will see story after story of people who are struggling financially, broken homes, abuse, etc. and guess who's caught in the middle.......children.
You're a mother and just because you don't have a litter, doesn't mean you can't be a great one.
I have nothing but respect for people who chose not to have more children because they can't afford them.
In two local stores I saw signs for clothing drives, "Used Coats for Kids." How many parents can't provide the basic need of clothing for their own children? Prior to school starting in Fall, there is a charity drive for backpacks and school supplies. I wonder if the parents have sacrificed any of their needs to supports their children. Why not eliminate, beer and cigarettes, so you can provide for your kids? If parents can't afford their child's basic needs, they might want to rethink their priorities.
One thing to consider. He's a stay at home dad with two small children (ages 1 and 3?), so I'm sure you realize how much it would cost for daycare if he were to find a some sort of job to help out. Most of his paycheck would probably go towards daycare since he's unable to find a good paying job and doesn't possess any special job skills.
Sometimes you reap more benefits having one parent stay home and the other out earning. Sounds like you prefer a role reversal, and the only way that's going to happen is if you can convince him to find something with a future. Has he considered the military as an option? Steady pay and benefits, housing, job training, education benefits, it's something to consider.
Look at it this way, any two people can live together with love as the bond between them.
That out of the way, marriage is a legal contract.
See a lawyer.
The more discrepancy between your earnings, the more you will pay later, if you get divorced.
You know, there is an instrument like a prenup that you can ask him to sign while you are married. That way, you know he is not just gaming you for support if the worse happens.
If he does not sign, I would think about severing ties right away.
You have enough to do, supporting the kids, you don't need a deadbeat dad.
This is why it is always advisable for people to marry who are in similar financial situations. I know you did this, but others should be warned.
Yes, men today who have good jobs (and for women, the same) usually seek out women who are in a similar situation.
Both of my parents worked. I, as a young woman, would never have dreamed of being dishonest and using a fellows affection for me as a means of support. I think this has nothing to do with roles as male and female, but of common human decency.
Don't put up with this. He is irresponsible. Are there other ways in which he is a poor role model for the kids? If a richer woman comes along will he leave you? Maybe he's seen a lawyer. Protect yourself. At least find out your legal situation in your state.
He didn't change till AFTER we said "I do". We we're both working and saving and then we got married, I got a better paying job, and he started doing things to intentionally get him fired. He wont work a full-time job.
Sounds like my soon-to-be ex-husband. At least you found out how he is before having other children.
My husband refused to go on interviews, refused to save money and flatly REFUSED to use birth control, so it was up to me to try to get an IUD, and other methods of birth control that wouldn't interfere w/ his enjoyment. Of course I only did this because I'm a good Christian woman and tried to be an obedient wife.
At the time an IUD was the only foolproof method, but I had a lot of side effects and was pretty much in constant pain for 2 years... And although he's making the divorce a nightmare, I'm glad to not have to deal w/ the stress, or the ramifications if I did get pregnant.
I do not handle stress well, and I'd probably a have had a stroke.
Sometimes sperm is wasted on really irresponsible people. I too wanted a big family when I was young. My grandmothers all had at least 8 kids. LOL and I missed having my cousins etc around growing up in the states. I really wanted more than one sister. But having a family is not something you can do without help... I'd advise you to talk to the gynecologist and try to figure out a form of birth control that would be best for you.
I am not sure if you need the spouse's permission to get a tubal ligation, but you can get an IUD or use hormonal birth control. You may need to investigate the best, safest method for yourself. I had a copper IUD and I had cramping, spotting and abdominal soreness (for two years), so I finally had it removed.
If you don't have side-effects an IUD can last 10 years, I believe. I don't know what my other options would have been if we stayed together. My doctor said he wouldn't prescribe hormonal birth control to anyone over the age of 35...so I would have been risking having a kid at an advanced age, going back to the IUD... or having major surgery.
If you're thinking about getting a divorce, you can PM me if you'd like commiseration or advice based on what I learned so far(in MD). If you are married to a person and you have assets, the higher-paying job etc...it may be difficult/expensive to get away if he doesn't agree to a divorce.
But if he's really terrible, not ALL guys are like that. One of my coworkers just bought his wife over 20K of jewelry, because he wants to keep her happy. Money isn't everything, but you get the picture. If you really can't live with a deadbeat, it is possible to get out and rebuild your life.
When I was younger I always wanted a houseful of kids to love when I got married. And now with the dh I have him and I only have one together and I don't want anymore with him. So I'm not having anymore and I'm beginning to get sad and depressed. He's a good father but not a good provider, and I refuse to support my kids and him for the rest of my life.
So as much as I don't want to say this. But sadly I'm done having kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmykids08_10
He didn't change till AFTER we said "I do". We we're both working and saving and then we got married, I got a better paying job, and he started doing things to intentionally get him fired. He wont work a full-time job.
Depending on your defintion of a "house full of kids" did you ever stop to consider what an enormous bind you two would be in if you had 4+ kids and both worked full time?
You two need to sit down and come to an arrangement because it sounds to me you're being selfish when it comes to "your" money. If he would be willing to be a stay-at-home dad I don't see an issue. Now, if you are having to do everything at home + work then it's time to move on.
When I was younger I always wanted a houseful of kids to love when I got married. And now with the dh I have him and I only have one together and I don't want anymore with him. So I'm not having anymore and I'm beginning to get sad and depressed. He's a good father but not a good provider, and I refuse to support my kids and him for the rest of my life.
So as much as I don't want to say this. But sadly I'm done having kids.
That's YOUR choice...YOUR decisian....I hope you're not going to blame anyone else.
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im not having anymore kids with my husband...
Focus your energy on your children who are already here. They need you and it sounds like you could potentially be a single parent in the future. 
And although he's making the divorce a nightmare, I'm glad to not have to deal w/ the stress, or the ramifications if I did get pregnant. 
