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Here's a piece from the article: I remember asking my mom when I was little who she loved best between me and my dad. "It's a different kind of love," she told me then. But the kisses she and my dad shared in the toy aisle, their constant holding hands, and their long vacations sans kids while we stayed with the grandparents told me otherwise. She loved my dad more. And I am so happy she did.
When a family is strong, mom does prioritize the marriage over the kids. But we live in a culture where kids come first. Or, as my friend recently said, "Since when did kids move from the card table at Thanksgiving to the head of the table?" Since when, indeed.
More from The Stir: Longest Married Couple in the World Shares Their Secrets
Blogger Joanna Goddard addresses this in her blog and the result is very interesting. She spoke of a conversation she and a friend had after her friend saw writer Esther Perel, the author of Mating in Captivity, a book about sex within a marriage (and after having kids). Goddard says:
Perel believes that there's a badge of honor among American women to not prioritize yourself or your marriage: It's all about the children. Without realizing it, she said, women can end up getting their emotional intimacy and physical satisfaction from their children, instead of their partners, said Perel. They give their babies tons of wonderful affection -- and then don't have anything left over for their spouse. The marriage can become an afterthought.
I am married and I have a baby. Who comes first? ME LoL
Although I know this is true for other women, I don't understand how the "emotional intimacy and physical satisfaction" you get from your child can replace that of your husband. I don't know if it is the wording or what, but it seems kind of creepy to me to say you get physical satisfaction from your child. I know they don't mean that in a sexual sense...but I'm not sure what they mean exactly, because I don't get any physical satisfaction from my baby. Sure, he's cuddly and fun to hold and squeeze for a few minutes, just like a pet, but that gets old fast and I wouldn't say I get satisfaction from it. Petting the baby is the same for me as petting my cat.
I also don't experience any emotional intimacy with my baby. I'm not sure how one would? Or am I missing something. The love I have for my husband is completely different than the love I have for the baby. My husband is my best friend and provides sexual satisfaction. The baby can't exactly replace that. Right now it is just like having an extremely needy pet. Hopefully when he is older and can do things for himself we can play games and do stuff together and be more like friends.
I am married and I have a baby. Who comes first? ME LoL
Although I know this is true for other women, I don't understand how the "emotional intimacy and physical satisfaction" you get from your child can replace that of your husband. I don't know if it is the wording or what, but it seems kind of creepy to me to say you get physical satisfaction from your child. I know they don't mean that in a sexual sense...but I'm not sure what they mean exactly, because I don't get any physical satisfaction from my baby. Sure, he's cuddly and fun to hold and squeeze for a few minutes, just like a pet, but that gets old fast and I wouldn't say I get satisfaction from it. Petting the baby is the same for me as petting my cat.
I also don't experience any emotional intimacy with my baby. I'm not sure how one would? Or am I missing something. The love I have for my husband is completely different than the love I have for the baby. My husband is my best friend and provides sexual satisfaction. The baby can't exactly replace that. Right now it is just like having an extremely needy pet. Hopefully when he is older and can do things for himself we can play games and do stuff together and be more like friends.
Jenna, how old is your baby? Do you feel at all depressed? I am wondering if you may be possibly suffering some postpartum depression?
What you are describing is frankly a little alarming to me.
My observations are that men tend to consider their wives more important than their offspring, and that women tend to attach greater importance to their children than they do to their husbands.
I don't think either is right or wrong. In fact, removing emotional connections from the argument, it would seem to make biological sense.
I am married and I have a baby. Who comes first? ME LoL
Although I know this is true for other women, I don't understand how the "emotional intimacy and physical satisfaction" you get from your child can replace that of your husband. I don't know if it is the wording or what, but it seems kind of creepy to me to say you get physical satisfaction from your child. I know they don't mean that in a sexual sense...but I'm not sure what they mean exactly, because I don't get any physical satisfaction from my baby. Sure, he's cuddly and fun to hold and squeeze for a few minutes, just like a pet, but that gets old fast and I wouldn't say I get satisfaction from it. Petting the baby is the same for me as petting my cat.
I also don't experience any emotional intimacy with my baby. I'm not sure how one would? Or am I missing something. The love I have for my husband is completely different than the love I have for the baby. My husband is my best friend and provides sexual satisfaction. The baby can't exactly replace that. Right now it is just like having an extremely needy pet. Hopefully when he is older and can do things for himself we can play games and do stuff together and be more like friends.
Please go see a professional about your feelings. Not to alarm you but this is classic post baby depression and you need to get some help.
The stability of a marriage makes for the stability of the home in which children grow up.
Wise couples get this
Yes and No.
You are assuming that the marriage is not abusive or dysfunctional. It's not always as black and white as we would like it to be.
In a second marriage. If the parent is wise, the children ALWAYS come first. The spouse will understand this and if not, the marriage or relationship will collapse.
You are assuming that the marriage is not abusive or dysfunctional. It's not always as black and white as we would like it to be.
In a second marriage. If the parent is wise, the children ALWAYS come first. The spouse will understand this and if not, the marriage or relationship will collapse.
Well, let me put it this way...a healthy marriage where the couple put each other first isn't likely to be "dysfunctional" in the first place
Obviously, if a couple is not happily married, and especially if one partner is abusive, the stable parent needs to look out for the best interests of the children and do what is necessary to protect them.
You are assuming that the marriage is not abusive or dysfunctional. It's not always as black and white as we would like it to be.
In a second marriage. If the parent is wise, the children ALWAYS come first. The spouse will understand this and if not, the marriage or relationship will collapse.
As far as second marriages go, wise partners respect the existing relationships their new partner has with the children that were there before they were and does nothing to undermine it or make the children feel like second class citizens.
This doesn't mean the children need to "always come first", it just means there needs to be the utmost respect and willingness to sometimes take a backseat on the part of the new spouse.
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