Husband vs kids/Who should come first (dating, woman, loving)
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Who says "most" long term marriages are uhappy ones?You mean those that get divorced are the happy marriages?Or second marriages don't ever end in divorce??
In a perfect world everyones needs would be met...but that is not always possible, and sometimes it requires a choice and yes a sacrafice to be made by the parent!If you know you are the type of person that would resent making sacrafices for another I would advise against marriage OR parenthood!!!
Where did the post you quoted state most long term marriages are unhappy? The poster said they believe most marriages that fail are because of that reason.
Again, nobody is talking about NEEDS, they are talking about wants. I'm sure everyone agrees parenting requires sacrifice. So the family is busy and six nights of the week involves running the kids around to every activity and playdate known to man. What does one do on that last night? Give in to whatever the kids want to do or tell them tough, mommy and daddy need a night out alone? After dinner mom and dad are talking and trying to catch up with each other after a busy day. Junior comes in the room and wants attention. Does mommy shoo him or daddy out of the room? Those are the types of things I'm talking about here.
No, I'm not depressed. This is a double standard I have been dealing with since the baby was born.
I will be the first to admit - I am not a very maternal person. I never liked babies or kids. I am more of the masculine just-want-to-drink-beer-and-watch-football ilk. I never planned to have kids or to end up being a stay-at-home-mom. But, I am dealing with it and I'm getting better at it every day.
I am not obsessed with my baby the way most mothers seem to be. Having a baby does not fulfill me the way it does a lot of women. And for a long time I felt guilty about it and thought something was wrong with me. But, I finally let go of the guilt and just accepted who I am.
In my husband's family, they are very tradional. The women's world revolves around the kids, and the men barely have anything to do with them. My husband is much better in that department than his dad and brothers. But still. My husband, on an average day, spends maaaybe ten minutes holding and interacting with the baby. The rest of the time he's home he's on his computer. His dad was that way, and his brothers are that way. Their job is to make the money. If they come home and pat the baby on the head and coo at it for a second, they are fulfilling their duty as fathers. But no one suggests they might be depressed or that there is something wrong with them.
I don't mean to make this sound like a rant. It really isn't. I love my baby and take good care of him. I'm with him almost 24/7. I sacrificed every thing when I agreed to go ahead and have the baby. (My husband wanted to keep it). I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not like most women when it comes to babies, but I believe I am handling it better each day, and I do have plenty of love to give my baby.
It is hard enough to deal with a baby 24/7 when you didn't have to be talked into keeping it by your husband!I'm sorry your husband needs to help you out more...you need a break(and there is nothing wrong about that).If he refuses to get off the computer so you can have some "me" time,look into local Moms Morning Out or join a gym and use their babysitting service.If you have the means hire a babysitter a few hours a week and get out and do something you enjoy!!Good luck!!
IMHO, a lot of marriages fail today because mom works, comes home and puts all her energies meeting the kids needs and the end result is that she has no energy left for dad. This eventually will toast the marriage. Even if they stay married, it will most likely be an unhappy coexistance once the kids leave. ITs no wonder that most long term marriages are unhappy ones.
This is the quote I was refering to DogWalker.I'm not talking about the big sacrafices all good parents make...I'm talking about the thousand little ones good parents willingly make!
I have no real footing to post on this subject because I don't have a husband nor kids but in my rational thinking it would be husband first then kids. The reason why is because if my marriage isn't healthy then my home isn't going to be healthy. That's why I can't understand why people "stay cause of the kids". The kids know you two aren't happy with all the yelling and fighting. So it would be my man first and then kids. (afterall it did take his part to make the kids)
This is the quote I was refering to DogWalker.I'm not talking about the big sacrafices all good parents make...I'm talking about the thousand little ones good parents willingly make!
Yes, but they were talking about people who neglect their spouse because they are too busy with the kids after working all day. Couples either stay together or get divorced. If couples who spent 20 plus years neglecting each other actually stay together, they are not likely to be happy once the kids move out. You can't spend years being too busy or tired to make time for each other, and then expect to find the same person you married 20 years ago. People grow and change, and if you don't make an effort to do it together you just might find yourself alone.
If he refuses to get off the computer so you can have some "me" time,look into local Moms Morning Out or join a gym and use their babysitting service.If you have the means hire a babysitter a few hours a week and get out and do something you enjoy!!Good luck!!
Thanks My husband does offer to watch the baby in the evenings/weekends, and sometimes I will go for a walk, but I mostly don't feel like going out. Thing is, we moved away from our hometown so I don't know anyone in our new town and don't feel like taking the time to make new friends. When we visit home, the grandparents watch the baby and we get to go out and spend time with our friends, which is nice.
On topic, I think it is absolutely necessary for the parents to have a good marriage in order for the kids to be happy. My parents went together like oil and water, and it was always clear they hated each other and stayed together as long as they did just for our sake. But you really aren't doing your kids any favors.
Although I don't see why one or the other has to come first. You can give equal love and attention to your husband and your kid(s). At least that is what I try to do.
I have no real footing to post on this subject because I don't have a husband nor kids but in my rational thinking it would be husband first then kids. The reason why is because if my marriage isn't healthy then my home isn't going to be healthy. That's why I can't understand why people "stay cause of the kids". The kids know you two aren't happy with all the yelling and fighting. So it would be my man first and then kids. (afterall it did take his part to make the kids)
The worst thing any parent can do is stay in an abusive marriage for the sake of the children...I agree 100% with you.I hate it when other poster act all patronizing to another poster...so sorry if I break my own rule!Until you are married and have a child it is really hard to say what you will do...before I had a child I read all these books about parenting and had all these great child rearing plans...they all went out the window once I had my son! I just went with my instinct and gut...and they told me that my needs and those of my husbands are secondary to those of our kids! Now my kids are young adults(17&24)so of course we don't have to make as many sacrafices...but we still make some...ex:daughter just got her license we couldn't afford three cars so I sold my yellow H3 and bought a smaller car she and I could share.It is hard not having a car to have anytime I need one...but she needs to get to school,activities and volunteer places so I suck it up and know this too shall pass!!
No, they won't be...because these are the people that live with mommy and daddy until they are 30-something and older!
The parents are the enablers...there's no way they'd let their precious child "suffer" in the real world.
I've got family memebers like this...still living with mom and dad AND they have kids of their own.
But in many other cultures kids don't leave at 18, whole families live together and all contribute. I always wonder why we as Americans aren't as accepting of this and why it's considered weak if you don't fly out the door at 18.
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Or second marriages don't ever end in divorce??
My husband does offer to watch the baby in the evenings/weekends, and sometimes I will go for a walk, but I mostly don't feel like going out. Thing is, we moved away from our hometown so I don't know anyone in our new town and don't feel like taking the time to make new friends. When we visit home, the grandparents watch the baby and we get to go out and spend time with our friends, which is nice.
!Until you are married and have a child it is really hard to say what you will do...before I had a child I read all these books about parenting and had all these great child rearing plans...they all went out the window once I had my son
