Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My wife and I always planned on having a child together (we have been married for 4 years). I am 35 and she is 34. When we met, we had the obligatory discussions about children and agreed on having only one child (she does have 2 children from a previous relationship). When I first met her she was hesitant to have more because she already has two with her ex,but she did come around after going to see a counselor about her trepidations. We talked about baby names,and agreed on names we both liked. She was adamant about being a stay-at-home mom, and I wanted to give her an opportunity she never had, so that was a relief to her. When we started "trying" she appeared happy and enthusiastic...even going to the extent of telling me when she was "fertile"! Fast forward to now, and I just found out that the "infertility" we have been experiencing for the past 4 years is due to the fact she has been taking birth control pills behind my back! We started seeing a fertility specialist about 6 mos ago and I jacked off in a cup (embarrassing), I had my semen analyzed everything came back okay. My wife started getting her hormone levels checked, etc....then I get a phone call from the fertility doctor who left a very abrupt message that he can't help us anymore, and he stated that I should consult my wife...at this point I was almost in tears, believing we were 100% infertile..and when I came home from work upset, my wife very calmly stated that she lied to me about her intentions about having a kid, and stated she has been secretly using birth control to prevent pregnancy, and is not going to have a child. At this point I am still in a state of disbelief. I have gone from intense anger to extreme despair. I feel like I have wasted my life and could have been with someone who truly honestly wanted to have kids..hell, I could have been a dad by now...but I am VERY close to my step-kids who I adore. And to top it all off she is acting like NOTHING is going on, "business as usual" type of attitude...I don't even know what to do next..
I can't say for certain, but I'm betting of a lot of the folks here, I DO know very specifically what kind of emotional anguish you're experiencing, because the same thing happened to me, only I overheard my ex- bragging about her deception to her coworkers when one of them asked one day when we planned to have children.
You've now got two children to whom you've been playing the role of father for all this time, and that adds up to some real pain right there.
You've got the time and investment, both financially and emotionally, of what you've put into a marriage which was not necessarily based on a lie, but built with an enormous lie in the framework at the very least.
You gave her the opportunity to be a SAHM all this time and I've no doubt whatsoever she's taken advantage of it.
And now your trust has been shaken to the core after a WHOLE lot of time and expense, money wasted, simply thrown out the window, when she knew all along what the problem was.
While many will argue that you should have known all along because she didn't want more children and stated so initially, and with the fact that it took going to a counselor to get her to "see the error of her ways" (although I can assure you she didn't feel it was in error), it's impossible to see something like that coming when a partner-to-be or a new partner simply begins to tell us what we want to hear.
I am very, very sorry you're dealing with this because even if we disregard the money, if you had the freedom to go out and start all over TODAY you're still looking at YEARS you'll never get back, ever, and looking at being a much, much older father than you were previously.
In the end you've got to ask yourself whether you wish to stay with this woman or not -- PERIOD. Most unfortunately it boils down to a list of pros and cons.
I know there's emotional turmoil involved but if you make decisions while in the heat of emotion you'll make a LOT of very, very costly mistakes, such as divorcing under the assumption you wish to keep it as amicable as possible -- which is honest and lined with integrity, but NOT how divorce with such a person actually works. Attempting to keep things peaceful and trying to make sure "everyone has what's for the best" is the fast track to financial and administrative rape with no lubricant whatsoever. If you try to make a peaceful divorce with the kind of woman who would do this to you, you'll feel like you've been hit by a train LONG before it's over.
Do you still want children? It's too late with this woman -- not because of her age but because she's already proved beyond a doubt that she's perfectly willing to take advantage of you and DOES NOT CARE IN THE LEAST WHAT YOU WANT.
I'm sorry to say, but for all that we say the words, it's quite clear she has no respect for you. No one would do this to someone they respect, and where there's no respect there IS no love. There are passions and connections in myriad ways but if she tells you after this that "She loves you, she just didn't know what else to do" then she's trying to gloss over that:
A) She didn't care enough to keep hashing this out with you, she took the easiest route by deceiving you -- EXPENSIVELY
B) She was perfectly willing to deceive you and perpetuate a lie, only fessing up when she was finally busted and there was no way out; otherwise it would just be another lie on top of this one
C) She was perfectly willing to say "F*** YOU" to your dream of a child with her AND a child of your own flesh and blood WHILE pursuing her life as a SAHM -- or in THIS case (which I WILL clearly differentiate from SAHM as a valid, viable role in a family unit) a SUPPORTED woman who was getting what she needed and wanted at the expense of another
Odds are good she will now tell you she "loves you, wants to work things out, but it's too late for her physically" plus a list of reasons why it's risky for women to have babies later in life
Just remind yourself, every time you feel yourself tensing up, when you feel like you just want to kiss and make up, want it all to go away and wish you two could just move forward from here with a new, brighter understanding of one another:
She's lied to you for all these years at great financial and now emotional cost.
She WILL -- not might, but WILL -- lie to you again, and she'll look you dead in the eye, her own eyes brimming with tears, while she does it.
And I don't know what the laws are in your state but I'd guaran-damn-tee that YOU need to go find out because odds are HIGH in just a few more years you WILL find yourself alone and paying for the evil b**** who stole years of your life, paying alimony and quite possibly additional child support for kids who, for all that I'm sure you love them, are NOT your own.
Try to remember, this is NOT the kids' fault; and that makes this difficult for you, I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE. But also try to remember, you invested yourself into this marriage and you've just discovered that your partner was taking extreme advantage of you.
I CAN tell you MY point of view, but in the end you've got to make your own decision and I really do respect that and feel for your pain and loss.
My point of view, many years after the fact and with a lot more experience as I look back across the wasted years and expended effort, is that you need to see a lawyer ASAP and not only start divorce proceedings but make damned sure you take every step to protect yourself financially. The longer you wait, the heavier your burden will be WHEN (it's not for sure but it's definitely the bet I'M making) she leaves you down the line because alimony is steady income -- and you can bet she won't bother marrying again, too many pressures come from that. No, next time she'll just live with him, so you get to support them both.
If you're thinking "She wouldn't do that to me, she's not like that" -- hey, she wouldn't do this to you either, would she? But she did and five valuable years of your life and dreams are GONE, up and vanished like a fart in the wind, and that's all they were to her, you can bet.
Best of luck to you. See a lawyer as quickly as you can and don't make the mistake of trying to be a nice guy during the divorce proceedings. I know you won't want to hurt the kids and that will play heavily on you; but it's not the kids themselves you'll be paying if you hesitate or play nice -- it's HER, and she's proved she'll take advantage with a cut-throat approach and no holds barred.
Last edited by Urban Sasquatch; 10-11-2010 at 06:53 AM..
1000 lies to keep a marriage strong?????? WTF? How strong can it be if it's based on a thousand lies? Wasn't there a "Death by a thousand cuts"???
Some lies might be tolerated, such as "No, I didn't drop your breakfast roll on the floor".
Some might appear innocent enough, "Is that a new dress?", "NO, silly, I've had this for years". That is until you realize your are thousands of dollars in debt because of excessive buying.
However, there might be deal breakers like, "NO, that is not me in that porn video". Or, "I really did spend the night with Debbie, the girls night out just went late".
How about, "Yeah I did kill those people in Detroit"? Still want to hold on to THAT marriage?
To me this is a HUGE hurdle to get over. May not be a reason to throw her clothes in the street, but certainly a reason to see professional and get to the bottom of what the real issue is in the marriage. Still, it's a huge violation of trust.
1000 lies to keep a marriage strong?????? WTF? How strong can it be if it's based on a thousand lies? Wasn't there a "Death by a thousand cuts"???
Some lies might be tolerated, such as "No, I didn't drop your breakfast roll on the floor".
Some might appear innocent enough, "Is that a new dress?", "NO, silly, I've had this for years". That is until you realize your are thousands of dollars in debt because of excessive buying.
However, there might be deal breakers like, "NO, that is not me in that porn video". Or, "I really did spend the night with Debbie, the girls night out just went late".
How about, "Yeah I did kill those people in Detroit"? Still want to hold on to THAT marriage?
To me this is a HUGE hurdle to get over. May not be a reason to throw her clothes in the street, but certainly a reason to see professional and get to the bottom of what the real issue is in the marriage. Still, it's a huge violation of trust.
No, wait, let me pull my calculator out. It's actually 1024 lies
Actually, I didn't want to add to the OP's misery. But let's analyze his wife.
She already has two kids. She is walking into a wedlock and asking to be a stay at home mom. Mike agreed. He's the lord high protector of her and the two kids. Life is good.
Mike knew all this before entering the situation.
Now Mike's own child will upset this apple cart. In the woman's eyes, he will shell his best for his own child, when it comes to attention, care and money. If she were working, she won't care, she will probably have her own assets and can even be independent.
And she agreed to all this four years ago, and Mike trusted her and the shrink who made her accept it. More like trusting all that money contributed to the Medicare pork fund.
This isn't rocket science. How can a grown man not foresee this? It's pretty dumb of a 30 year old man.
Now the cheerleaders will root for him past the divorce finish line. He'll reenter the dating market. Four months down the line, he will be like, classy, fit, well accomplished 35 year old dude, and nobody winks at me on match.com
You guys do whatever you want, but please make the right decisions before going into a new chapter in life.
Bravo, for Mike and the rest of you champs here, an unborn child that does not exist yet is worth destroying a marriage of four years.
There's an old saying in my world that advocates a 1000 lies to keep a marriage strong. Not that it advocates lying, but stresses the importance of wedlock.
No wonder many of you folks have an average of six marriages on a 50 year old average resume. Rock on, champs. And while you're at it contribute to the Lawyers Pork fund. Go max out on that already maxed out credit card
Do whatever you want, Mike, but don't get a divorce just coz the divorce nazis told you to
It's not about a nonexisting child, it is about deception.
If he stayed, sounds like, it would have to be with the understanding he will never be allowed to have a child with his wife. My concern would be they discuss the issue and she maybe agree to try again and what if she got pregnant with a child she doesn't want? Will she endanger the pregnancy trying to miscarry? Will she resent a possible child? I mean she's really making some effort here to stay without child.
There are a lot of things to consider.
Personally I would be very angry and I think it's a big deal to not only lie about but carry on a total deception.
I am sorry that this happened, but maybe you should start counting your blessings that you did not have a child with this woman. If she could lie this large, then she'll lie about other things too.
I bet if you really examine your relationship you will see other flaws in her character. For me, what she did is a definite deal breaker. Please continue to be in the lives of her children, so they do not feel abandoned.
My suggestion is you move out immediately. Even though the house might be yours that will be have to be hashed out in any Divorce proceedings. Forgo counseling (unless personal counseling will help you come to grips with it all), there really is no point, since your wife has demonstrated the length she will go to deceive. At this point I see no room for anymore discussion with her.
It was a sad you lived a lie for so many years. Sad for her kids but remember it was not you that created the problem. In the end the only person at fault is your deceitful wife. It is never fun to pick up the pieces and start over. Take care that you do not further endanger your livelihood or health.
My wife and I always planned on having a child together (we have been married for 4 years). I am 35 and she is 34. When we met, we had the obligatory discussions about children and agreed on having only one child (she does have 2 children from a previous relationship). When I first met her she was hesitant to have more because she already has two with her ex,but she did come around after going to see a counselor about her trepidations. We talked about baby names,and agreed on names we both liked. She was adamant about being a stay-at-home mom, and I wanted to give her an opportunity she never had, so that was a relief to her. When we started "trying" she appeared happy and enthusiastic...even going to the extent of telling me when she was "fertile"! Fast forward to now, and I just found out that the "infertility" we have been experiencing for the past 4 years is due to the fact she has been taking birth control pills behind my back! We started seeing a fertility specialist about 6 mos ago and I jacked off in a cup (embarrassing), I had my semen analyzed everything came back okay. My wife started getting her hormone levels checked, etc....then I get a phone call from the fertility doctor who left a very abrupt message that he can't help us anymore, and he stated that I should consult my wife...at this point I was almost in tears, believing we were 100% infertile..and when I came home from work upset, my wife very calmly stated that she lied to me about her intentions about having a kid, and stated she has been secretly using birth control to prevent pregnancy, and is not going to have a child. At this point I am still in a state of disbelief. I have gone from intense anger to extreme despair. I feel like I have wasted my life and could have been with someone who truly honestly wanted to have kids..hell, I could have been a dad by now...but I am VERY close to my step-kids who I adore. And to top it all off she is acting like NOTHING is going on, "business as usual" type of attitude...I don't even know what to do next..
Hi Mike, I'm really really sorry your going thru this, however, one thing that bothers me, is you stated in your post that you went to counseling for your wife's trepidations, how can your wife not wanting to have a child be a trepidation? Did you know this when you were dating her? I just don't understand what you meant by that?
However, the rest of the story is devestating and I have to say, I'd be very upset as well...if she and you had discussed this from the time you were married and it was agreed upon, then you certainly have every right to be upset...and have every right to be a father.
This isn't rocket science. How can a grown man not foresee this? It's pretty dumb of a 30 year old man.
Now the cheerleaders will root for him past the divorce finish line. He'll reenter the dating market. Four months down the line, he will be like, classy, fit, well accomplished 35 year old dude, and nobody winks at me on match.com
You can't blame this on her shrink and right now he'd benefit from talking to someone to bounce his own feelings around.
Agreed, a women who wants to be a stay at home mother, but has to see a shrink because she doesn't know if she wants a child with him is a huge red flag.
What we see and apparent to us, he was blindsided and didn't see. His age isn't relative, people will allow themselves to believe what they want to believe at any age.
Whether he decides to pursue a divorce or stay married will be his choice, not ours, but I can't say I'd fault him for taking the first option. We can't predict he'll be single and lonely either.
You can't blame this on her shrink and right now he'd benefit from talking to someone to bounce his own feelings around.
Agreed, a women who wants to be a stay at home mother, but has to see a shrink because she doesn't know if she wants a child with him is a huge red flag.
What we see and apparent to us, he was blindsided and didn't see. His age isn't relative, people will allow themselves to believe what they want to believe at any age.
Whether he decides to pursue a divorce or stay married will be his choice, not ours, but I can't say I'd fault him for taking the first option. We can't predict he'll be single and lonely either.
EXACTLY
Hindsight is always 20/20 but when you are in the thick of things you can't always see what's right in front of you.
He loved her and trusted her, so he believed what she said - most of us would have done the same thing, or have done similar things
She didn't just tell him ONE lie, she lied to him every single day of their marriage FOR YEARS, AND went to great lengths to hide her deception.
It was cruel, manipulative, and likely the work of a sociopath plain and simple.
If he wants to stay with her and be a father to his step kids then more power to him, but no rational person could fault him for not being able to get past this, especially when she refuses to acknowledge that what she did to him was horribly cruel and wrong.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
