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I understand we don't know the driving factors behind the lie. The script will be similar with sociopaths and we don't know that it isn't, but everyones experience with them will not fit the "script" and the reason why they are so adept at fooling people. Theres a lie and a malignant lie classic to narcissists and socipaths with no remorse.
And, again -- we only know one side of the story. The OP indicated that his wife was reluctant to have more children because she already had two. During the course of the marriage, obviously something happened to make this woman feel pressured into changing her mind. We don't know what it was. We don't know if the OP soft-peddled the idea persistently, brought up children consistently, made a lot of references to wanting a child, etc. We don't know if she ultimately felt "guilted" into having another child just to keep the peace -- or her marriage.
People are hesitant to buy a new car, purchase a bigger home or travel on the highway during major holidays. One thing they tend not to be reticent about is life-changing events that cannot be undone, such as having more children. Now, if the OP's wife had a history of doing other nefarious things, such as wiping out the joint bank account, taking other men to the cleaners before the OP, etc., I'd be far more inclined to say, "Signs of sociopathy." But other than this one big deceit -- and let's face it, cheaters lie to the spouses they truly love for years on end and often get away with it; that doesn't make them sociopaths -- I don't see any other signs of sociopathy. My gut is telling me that something in the marriage wasn't right -- that it wasn't all tea roses and violins -- and the OP either isn't telling us or didn't see it.
I've already posted my opinion earlier, so this is repetative. The OP was blindsided and we're on the same page in part, I don't completely disagree. You've made valid points.
In his recent post it clearly was a point of contention prior to getting married, she knew the outcome rested on her decison. What we don't know, whether she lied to herself or this was intentional and therefore malignant. Lets speculate and say they encountered differences in the marriageor things she found she didn't like, she still chose a lie rather than honest communication. Did she really believe the specialist wouldn't uncover the truth or was she willing to take her chances in hopes she could pull it off and live a lie as long as possible?
The lack of remorse or apology makes me question her motives. The OP is inclined to believe she has a personality disorder, there may be more to thsi story. I post links to what I feel may help him to understand, other than obviously not wanting a child, she hasn't been forthcoming with any other reason. Whatever decison he makes is his choice.
Last edited by virgode; 10-12-2010 at 03:37 AM..
Reason: edited, additional
I'd ditch her. You aren't getting any younger and if you want kids you need to meet someone willing to have them with you. Your wife lied to you about a serious issue. How many other serious issues do you think she has lied to you about?
First off I never would have expected this much feedback, but thank you to all from the bottom of my heart. I left our home and am staying with friends until I make a decision. I don’t want my step-kids to be in an environment where there is tension. I thought about asking her to leave, but at this point am not throwing out two wonderful kids who didn’t ask for any of this.. Just one clarification- prior to getting engaged my wife entered counseling on her own. She stated she was "torn" about having more kids, as she felt like a failure for being a single mom, putting her kids through a painful separation, etc. I was understanding and supportive and I did go to several of HER therapy sessions where she talked openly about her feelings, and she basically felt that she failed her kids and did not want to fail another child. Her therapist did meet with me one on one and at that point the therapist told me she felt my wife struggled with a painful break up with her ex, but felt that my wife *genuinely * wanted to have another child . In the end, it was her who made the decision totally independent from me, and convinced me, her therapist, and countless family members/friends that she wanted to have another baby...she never mentioned “I want to have a baby for you” or justified having a child because it meant so much to me. I never gave her any ultimatums such as telling her I would end the relationship if we couldn’t agree on children. If she wanted to adopt, I would adopt in a heartbeat. But at this point I don’t even know if I can even have this discussion – she could have mentioned adoption 4 years ago- she never did-. I’m going to consult an attorney, not to file for divorce as of yet, but to see what I should do to protect my interests since I have moved out, but I don’t care about the house or money or anything…HELL I will put the house in her kids name so they have a place to live because they mean that much to me and that way I will always know where they live- so she couldn’t shut me out of their lives. After the past few days who knows what else she is capable of doing. Right now I’m faced with my own reality and only have 2 options- stay and more than likely never have any more kids, or move on and find another woman who is genuine and holds true to her word. And the bottom line is, if she would have said “I don’t want any more kids, that’s my bottom line” FOUR YEARS AGO, I probably would have stayed..but it’s the fact she lied, and how long she continued on with this lie..and someone posted that she sounds like she may be personality disordered and I truly think she may be…so maybe it is best we didn’t have a child together. This has been really difficult -will try to check back in a few days with update, and I am reading as many posts as I can but obviously can’t reply to them all, so thank you again if I haven’t answered your question.
Glad to hear back from you and for some further clarification on your situation.
You have experienced a big shock. I would suggest you give yourself a little time just to let the shock wear off before you decide definitively what to do. And you sound like a reasonable, logical person who will
It is very commendable that you are so concerned for your step children and their welfare. I hope you do try to stay in their lives if you decide to divorce their mother.
Like I've said numerous times, and you seem to agree, this was YEARS of living a lie, which does seem to indicate a selfish sociopathic personality - something you can't alter no matter how badly you might want to.
I wish you all the best going forward as you grieve your losses.
I dunno, I can understand not wanting to have another child. I can even understand if the OP's wife changed her mind after they got married. What I don't understand is why she lied about it for so long -- and why she was able to do so for so very long. Personally, I would have cracked under the guilt of it all. I cannot keep that big of a secret.
I can't even begin to contemplate why the OP's wife may have perpetrated such fraud unless she felt like she had a lot to lose by not doing so. Speaking as someone who's childless by choice, one of the most difficult things to do is to admit that you don't want children -- there's a certain shame attached to a woman who admits this. Even women with one and two kids feel guilt over admitting that they don't want any others. It's tough to level with anyone about this honestly, even people who are trying to help you. My ex-husband and I went to counseling, where the counselor was dead sure that the answer to all of our problems was a baby. I knew he was dead wrong -- it would have made things worse.
I can't say for sure this factored into her reasoning, but obviously the OP and everyone posting here knows why she did what she did: She never wanted another child, and hasn't for a very long time, and for one reason or another, she did not feel comfortable communicating this to the OP. The driving factors behind her actions can only be guessed at.
You said it best - "she perpetrated a fraud", end of story for me.
Oh, it would be interesting to know her reasons, and no doubt our OP is asking himself over and over again, "WHY?".
But the bottom line is that she deceived and betrayed him FOR YEARS, and that's pretty cold and calculating.
But the bottom line is that she deceived and betrayed him FOR YEARS, and that's pretty cold and calculating.
Thanks for the reinforcement.(can't rep you) Melissa's confusing women conditioned to beilieve children are automatically part of marriage and an out right deception.
... I left our home and am staying with friends until I make a decision. I don’t want my step-kids to be in an environment where there is tension. I thought about asking her to leave, but at this point am not throwing out two wonderful kids who didn’t ask for any of this....
Wise decision.
BTW I do not think you bare any responsibility for her kids from a previous marriage. You may have bonded during your 4 years as a Step-Dad but you are not their biological father. This will become quickly evident if you Divorce. Your wife will use your feelings towards those kids to extract things from you that she should not be entitled to.
Keep thinking rationally and avoid confrontations that might end up costing you more emotionally or financially.
Oh, it would be interesting to know her reasons, and no doubt our OP is asking himself over and over again, "WHY?".
It doesn't take a genius to figure it out, does it? The lady managed to dupe a good and gullible guy into providing for her and her existing children and even treating them as his own.
Don't be afraid of change. You may like her children, but they are not yours.
Concentrate on ending that relationship ASAP and finding a great attorney to end this marriage and get the most out of that divorce. She doesn't deserve a friendly ending to your relationship.
IMO, this is worse than cheating. Cheating hurts feelings but it doesn't change life plans. But not having kids when you want them as years pass by actually affects your life plans big time.
Just a bit of advice: protect your assets. Seriously. And do it quickly.
Someone I know had to pay off $50,000.00 in debt created by his ex-wife. It was after he moved out, before any kind of courts orders were filed.
He had excellent credit and they had several credit cards. Some that he was not aware of. It was crazy. $9,000.00 at a jewelry store. $5,000.00 at Sears. $14,000.00 at Citibank. And on. And on.
This was done in less than 2 weeks. All because he didn't notify the CC companies.
Please seek the advice of an attorney.
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