HELP! 14 yr old son doesn't wan to move. (parent, girls, getting married)

[TKramar]

Well...I had to move when I was 14, and it was more than an hour away. There WAS no going back. It was hard enough for me to get what friends I had at the time I moved--never really did make new ones.

[cremebrulee]

First off, your the parent, and he is going to have to go where you go...
His father's environment doesn't seem to be stable and healthy, therefore, I would not allow him to go....

You can always make trips back to where his friends are, perhaps organize a pizza party....they shouldn't be seeing each other alone anyway...so it's a great way to chaperone...plus...tell him they may call each other and write each other and, there is always email.

We cannot protect our kids from being hurt...and/or shelter them...from it...they must learn, life is not always fair, and there are things we must do that we don't like to do...if you pamper him, and give him every thing he wants, and do everything for him, instead of teaching him independence and maturity in learning life is not always fair, your going to create a monster for the woman who marrys him someday...so, in the meantime, keep him busy in your new home by giving him chores, teaching him how to cook, and you should all be close as a family and do kid oriented outings and weekend getaways from time to time....

the children must come first....and I really hope your new hubby understands that....and stands by you when it comes to discipline...

What does he say about all this?

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by TKramar

Well...I had to move when I was 14, and it was more than an hour away. There WAS no going back. It was hard enough for me to get what friends I had at the time I moved--never really did make new ones.

It's a tough age for making new friends. All of high school is, really.

I'm worried about my oldest daughter. She attended a charter school for 5th-8th grades (a decision I had to make for academic reasons but one I now regret for social ones). She's returning to our local high school in two weeks. The reason she wants to go there is none of her friends are continuining on to the charter high school. So, no matter which school she choses, she has no friends. I'm praying really hard there are some new kids in the school she hooks up with. Due to the housing market being bad, we've had some cheap houses sell so maybe.....

My younger daughter who has great friends at the charter school decided she wants to go to the middle school here so she'll already have friends when high school starts. I can't argue with her logic seeing what her sister is faced with but I hate not seeing her with this great group of kids. I never expected all of dd#1's friends to leave for their local schools. I think dd#2 is afraid of the same thing happening and simply would rather jump now and have a chance to make new friends before high school than face what her sister is.

I really wish I had my old job now. Our house is the house to hang out at in the summer but during the school year, being on the same schedule my kids are, I can't be here when they get home from school. I'm really nervous about that...but I digress. I just think it's tough to make friends as a teen. Teens are so self conscious. They take things the wrong way. They see slights where there are none. I can see where having friends you've known for years would come in handy.

[miu]

If her son has hobbies or plays sports, it's a good way to meet and make new friends. Don't most schools have various club activities supervised by a teacher?

The best thing to do is after the move, to keep the son busy with other things. Of course, he's still going to think about the girl, but the idea is to not let him mope around the house thinking about her or what might have been had he not moved.

Molina - Does your son get a long well with your fiance? Is he supported of you marrying him?

[Sandhillian]

Wow - I am sure this is really scary! I would think as a fourteen year old the judge (should it ever get to court) would give a lot of weight to his wishes. I would tell him you know how hard this is for him but that the family is moving and that he will be able to visit and use e-mail and phone to communicate with his friends. Don't mention moving to his father's house. He may choose to try and live with his father or not. If you turn this into a push/pull issue he will probably do that anyway sooner rather than later. If his father is in AA and doing well it may not be the end of the world if he does. The food and socks issues don't sound so bad to me. The taking kids to drinking parties until early morning does (what does the father think of that?) but at 14 he should be able to stay home alone. You can give him money for food to supplement what the step mom gives and tell him he is not to be at parties with alcohol. I can't imagine a teenage son wanting to go to a parent's party anyway. If he decides to move I would have a long talk with the father about your concerns and try and get some commitment from him to enforce/support your wishes. I agree with others that he is likely to break up with the girl before too long and chances are that if he did move in with the father he will soon want to be back with you. Teens are all about bluffing. Good Luck and remember "this too shall pass"!

[haggardhouseelf]

Originally Posted by Molina

My 14yr old doesn't want to move out of state (only an 1hr away) becuase there's a girl he has feelings for. His feelings are so strong, that he want's to know everything about her religion so that he can have her parent's permission to be her boyfriend. It seems the girl also has feelings for him, so at least that's some comfort. I would hate for her feelings not be the same. I would prefer his first heartbreak to be when he's older. But my boyfriend of 3yrs and I are planning on getting married. He owns a house which is what I, my son and 18yr old daughter would move into. My daughter is fine with the move. But my son is not and is thinking of moving in with his dad, the wife and 3 kids (under 10). But neither of them use good parenting skills. They curse all the time. The wife is obese, so she doesn't let any of the kids eat when they want - I guess fear that her kids will have the same problem. The kids sneak food out the fridge. The kids are all very skinny and I think kind of short for their age, as if they don't get enough nutrients. The wife doesn't let the girls play with their (non-expensive) dolls - she doesn't want them to get ruined so she puts them on shelves for display only. They're not allowed to sleep with socks on!? My son's dad is a recovering alcoholic - at least he's fixed that about himself. It's been years since he last drank. He has a long police record, but he has been trying to do better. He's "absent" in his relationship - she calls all the shots. He avoids saying anything so that there aren't any arguments. She's always going to some house party or other and drags all the kids along and they stay out till all hours of the morning. There's always a lot of drinking at those parties. The kids either have to go or stay home alone. As you can see, I'm frightened of the thought that my son would be raised by these two. I feel like I have to chose... my son, or a new life with my boyfriend in his house. I rent an apartment. How do I make this second chance of a new and much better life with a really great guy work out and not lose my son???

Wow. What a tough situation.

Your son is 14, though. I have a 14-year old son, too. At this age they are quite independent and headstrong. This is that age where they are learning what it means to have more freedom and independence. It's actually OK for them to goof up at this age - better to learn from mistakes while they're young than be in their twenties and still not know how to handle making their own decisions for themselves. It might be a very important growth milestone to allow him this choice - Come with us? Or live with dad?

Regardless of the odd parenting that might go on at his dad's house, he's at an age where he's more equipped to deal with it. If he ends up not liking it at his dad's house, you can assure and keep reassuring him that he can always come live with you. Make sure he knows that - no matter what his step-mom or his father tell him - he can always call you and you will come get him at anytime day or night.

Also - don't do what my mom did. When I chose to move away from her when I was 15, she was obviously hurt and upset by it. She said some really awful things about me to other people that were not true, and she also abandoned me for several years. My mom was a drunk at the time, and I just couldn't stand living in that situation. I still wanted my mom, just couldn't live with the lifestyle she was leading at the time.

In your situation, it seems like it's more about location. Don't take your son choosing to live with his dad as a negative mark against you at all. It's simply his choice. He still needs you, his mother. Be sure to call him frequently - twice a week maybe? whatever seems right to you. Even if it's just a "Hey! I was at the store today and saw [insert a food he really likes or something here] and thought of you! Want me to bring you some next time I see you?" That sort of thing. Mail him care packages, postcards, letters. Follow-up and make sure he gets them. If you're at the mall or someplace and see something he might like, get it for him. Bring it to him in person, that would mean a lot. It will also give you an opportunity to see his face and make sure he's doing OK. Sometimes phone calls are not sufficient enough for checking up on a kid.

And lastly, as hard as it may seem, as impossible as it may seem, don't bad-mouth his dad or the step-mom. Rise above that behavior and take the high road. Just bite your tongue, don't say anything. Keep a journal if you need to, to get those thoughts out, but don't vent about it around your son or kids. I know this from experience, too, from the child's perspective.

My dad never said a bad word about my mom, even though there was a lot he could have said! He only focused on the good things. He always told me how much he loved her, even though they had been divorced and she had kicked him out and cheated on him and there was a lot of bad stuff that had happened... he only spoke the good things. My dad never passed negative judgement on anyone. I was really close to my dad and felt we could talk about anything, because I always felt he accepted me the way that I am. My mom, however, spoke of the negative stuff. She held grudges, was angry and bitter, and took every opportunity to talk trash about others - especially my dad and stepmom. She was always critical and really hard to live with. This was one of the reasons I couldn't stand being around her, even to this day. We don't have a relationship. My moms efforts to influence me into believing that she was a better person than my dad, backfired on her. It brought me closer to my dad and made me not want to be around her.

So... just try to take the high road and let your son come to his own conclusions about these people. If all he hears from you is negative, you'll most likely push him away without realising it. If you try to remain positive and loving, he'll most likely really enjoy being in your presence. He'll most likely appreciate the fact that you trust him enough to allow him to make his own choices and make up his own mind about things.

[Eyes]

I have not read all the replies

Teenagers at 14 hate most thing that parents need to do .. it is just nature.

If you have custody .. no issue
The way you describe the "girl friend" .. I think the parents would be happy to see him not so close.

They can email, use social networks and phone at 9:01pm (free cell calls) with a time limit 30/45 minutes.
They can visit with her parents cooperation during paternal visitations
I assume as it is only an hour away visitation with the father will happen
I suggest you find a good spot half way to meet and exchange the children

There is the old .. if she/he is serious now... they WILL be later ..
AFTER SCHOOL has been completed
To be serious is to do the best one can for yourself and each other .. to get the best job .. education first.

When he is paying the bills .. he can live where he wants
Perhaps the same college together ??? (could be over)

My guess is .. the father and step mother do not really want the responsibility of a moody teenager.
Just make sure you paint a true picture and get the dad on board

Tell him you love him and you are trying to do the best you can for everyone.
Also .. tell him you know how difficult it is for him to understand why you are doing this.

Get his dad and her parents on the same page.
Let them know you will not keep them apart .. they will just need to schedule time together.
Let them watch a modern version of Romeo & Juliet as a last date in somewhat privacy.
They may turn into the perfect tortured souls ..

[Gottasay]

This is a no brainer. What is more important, having a girlfriend, or getting prepared for life so he can have a J0B to support his future family??? He doesn't need the distraction, he should move with you and focus on doing well in high school. Plus, living with a disfunctional family is NOT going to help him with his career development either. To me, the best way to show that you love your son is to prepare him for the best life possible. It is not facilitating his hormonally driven need to have a puppy love affair that other posters also concur will last max 2 years and live with a messed up family.

[Gottasay]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

It's a tough age for making new friends. All of high school is, really.

I'm worried about my oldest daughter. She attended a charter school for 5th-8th grades (a decision I had to make for academic reasons but one I now regret for social ones). She's returning to our local high school in two weeks. The reason she wants to go there is none of her friends are continuining on to the charter high school. So, no matter which school she choses, she has no friends. I'm praying really hard there are some new kids in the school she hooks up with. Due to the housing market being bad, we've had some cheap houses sell so maybe.....

My younger daughter who has great friends at the charter school decided she wants to go to the middle school here so she'll already have friends when high school starts. I can't argue with her logic seeing what her sister is faced with but I hate not seeing her with this great group of kids. I never expected all of dd#1's friends to leave for their local schools. I think dd#2 is afraid of the same thing happening and simply would rather jump now and have a chance to make new friends before high school than face what her sister is.

I really wish I had my old job now. Our house is the house to hang out at in the summer but during the school year, being on the same schedule my kids are, I can't be here when they get home from school. I'm really nervous about that...but I digress. I just think it's tough to make friends as a teen. Teens are so self conscious. They take things the wrong way. They see slights where there are none. I can see where having friends you've known for years would come in handy.

Have you tried youth groups outside of school?

Again, it sounds like you are letting your daughter put her social life before the very essential reason why she is going to school: to get prepared for life. To me, whatever is going to prepare her best for life is where she should go. She can make new friends through youth group where she will see kids on a consistent basis and not be distracted by the need to make friends during school hours, which, in my view, should be spent on learning and making good grades.

[malamute]

He's dating at age 14? That's too young anyhow, that relationship doesn't have to be included in the consideration.

In some states a 14 year old can choose which parent they want to live with.