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What are the laws in your area regarding children deciding where they will live? Here, there are several counties that allow a 14 year old to make their own choice.
This is a very bad time for him. 14 is an awkward age. There is nothing in this move for him. It's for you so you can marry your boyfriend. I can't blame him for being unhappy about the move. If you want him to be happy about it, you need to find something in it for him. Otherwise, I fear you're in for a major rebellion when you get there, IF you get him there.
I may be facing a move with a reluctant 14 year old daughter but if we move it will be because her dad has a better job offer and we're losing ground where we are. She too has a boyfriend she has strong feelings for but there is no choice to leave her here. I plan on putting her in counseling if the move has to happen. I'd suggest you do the same with your son.
My 14yr old doesn't want to move out of state (only an 1hr away) becuase there's a girl he has feelings for. His feelings are so strong, that he want's to know everything about her religion so that he can have her parent's permission to be her boyfriend. It seems the girl also has feelings for him, so at least that's some comfort. I would hate for her feelings not be the same. I would prefer his first heartbreak to be when he's older. But my boyfriend of 3yrs and I are planning on getting married. He owns a house which is what I, my son and 18yr old daughter would move into. My daughter is fine with the move. But my son is not and is thinking of moving in with his dad, the wife and 3 kids (under 10). But neither of them use good parenting skills. They curse all the time. The wife is obese, so she doesn't let any of the kids eat when they want - I guess fear that her kids will have the same problem. The kids sneak food out the fridge. The kids are all very skinny and I think kind of short for their age, as if they don't get enough nutrients. The wife doesn't let the girls play with their (non-expensive) dolls - she doesn't want them to get ruined so she puts them on shelves for display only. They're not allowed to sleep with socks on!? My son's dad is a recovering alcoholic - at least he's fixed that about himself. It's been years since he last drank. He has a long police record, but he has been trying to do better. He's "absent" in his relationship - she calls all the shots. He avoids saying anything so that there aren't any arguments. She's always going to some house party or other and drags all the kids along and they stay out till all hours of the morning. There's always a lot of drinking at those parties. The kids either have to go or stay home alone. As you can see, I'm frightend of the thought that my son would be raised by these two. I feel like I have to chose... my son, or a new life with my boyfriend in his house. I rent an apartment. How do I make this second chance of a new and much better life with a really great guy work out and not lose my son???
Sorry.
Slamming the other family so that he won't go live there isn't going to work.
Isn't your son a bit young to dictate such a thing? Please tell me he is not "dating" this girl (again, too young) - I see grandbabies in your near future.
My 14yr old doesn't want to move out of state (only an 1hr away) becuase there's a girl he has feelings for. His feelings are so strong, that he want's to know everything about her religion so that he can have her parent's permission to be her boyfriend. It seems the girl also has feelings for him, so at least that's some comfort. I would hate for her feelings not be the same. I would prefer his first heartbreak to be when he's older. But my boyfriend of 3yrs and I are planning on getting married. He owns a house which is what I, my son and 18yr old daughter would move into. My daughter is fine with the move. But my son is not and is thinking of moving in with his dad, the wife and 3 kids (under 10). But neither of them use good parenting skills. They curse all the time. The wife is obese, so she doesn't let any of the kids eat when they want - I guess fear that her kids will have the same problem. The kids sneak food out the fridge. The kids are all very skinny and I think kind of short for their age, as if they don't get enough nutrients. The wife doesn't let the girls play with their (non-expensive) dolls - she doesn't want them to get ruined so she puts them on shelves for display only. They're not allowed to sleep with socks on!? My son's dad is a recovering alcoholic - at least he's fixed that about himself. It's been years since he last drank. He has a long police record, but he has been trying to do better. He's "absent" in his relationship - she calls all the shots. He avoids saying anything so that there aren't any arguments. She's always going to some house party or other and drags all the kids along and they stay out till all hours of the morning. There's always a lot of drinking at those parties. The kids either have to go or stay home alone. As you can see, I'm frightend of the thought that my son would be raised by these two. I feel like I have to chose... my son, or a new life with my boyfriend in his house. I rent an apartment. How do I make this second chance of a new and much better life with a really great guy work out and not lose my son???
I'm sympathetic to you, AND your son - it's a tough age to make a move.
HOWEVER, as others have stated, be the mom - not his friend. You already know staying with his dad is not an acceptable solution, so he has to go with you. Be kind but firm and don't let him manipulate you.
I also like Ivory's suggestion of some immediate counseling - don't underestimate the importance of this, as I'm sure you know second marriages most often fail due to kid issues. Best of luck to you!
Isn't your son a bit young to dictate such a thing? Please tell me he is not "dating" this girl (again, too young) - I see grandbabies in your near future.
My 14yr old doesn't want to move out of state (only an 1hr away) becuase there's a girl he has feelings for. His feelings are so strong, that he want's to know everything about her religion so that he can have her parent's permission to be her boyfriend. It seems the girl also has feelings for him, so at least that's some comfort. I would hate for her feelings not be the same. I would prefer his first heartbreak to be when he's older. But my boyfriend of 3yrs and I are planning on getting married. He owns a house which is what I, my son and 18yr old daughter would move into. My daughter is fine with the move. But my son is not and is thinking of moving in with his dad, the wife and 3 kids (under 10). But neither of them use good parenting skills. They curse all the time. The wife is obese, so she doesn't let any of the kids eat when they want - I guess fear that her kids will have the same problem. The kids sneak food out the fridge. The kids are all very skinny and I think kind of short for their age, as if they don't get enough nutrients. The wife doesn't let the girls play with their (non-expensive) dolls - she doesn't want them to get ruined so she puts them on shelves for display only. They're not allowed to sleep with socks on!? My son's dad is a recovering alcoholic - at least he's fixed that about himself. It's been years since he last drank. He has a long police record, but he has been trying to do better. He's "absent" in his relationship - she calls all the shots. He avoids saying anything so that there aren't any arguments. She's always going to some house party or other and drags all the kids along and they stay out till all hours of the morning. There's always a lot of drinking at those parties. The kids either have to go or stay home alone. As you can see, I'm frightend of the thought that my son would be raised by these two. I feel like I have to chose... my son, or a new life with my boyfriend in his house. I rent an apartment. How do I make this second chance of a new and much better life with a really great guy work out and not lose my son???
This is actually a bit of a tricky situation..
Ok, first thing's first: What do the laws say about this in your state? My ex-sister in law was 13 and decided that she wanted to go live with her father. The mother didn't want that, and tried to block it. However, according to the law the daughter had a right to choose who she lived with, and ultimately chose living with the father. I don't know if that's the case where you live, but if it is, all of this might be a moot point. He may decide to live with the father, the father could take it to court, and could end up winning custody because of the sons choice.
Now, take that out of things, and I agree with everyone else here. You're the mother, you know what's best for your son. I'm sorry, but everyone has to learn about heartache at some point in time - it's better to learn about it when one has a support team around them than when they are on their own. Besides, he's 14, he'll get over it as soon as he gets infatuated with the next interesting chick he meets.
So that's that...
Now, I gotta ask you, do you talk about your ex like that when your son's around? I mean, seriously.. He may be a jerk, he may be an idiot, but he's still the father of your child. He deserves respect for that. If you don't like him, just say that you don't like him.. there's no need to go off all ranting and raving like a lunatic about it. I know you're just trying to get your point across, but I'll be honest, it just makes you sound just as bad as your ex.. That doesn't mean you are like him, but it just comes across that way.. I hope you get what I'm saying here.
Either way, I wish your son the best.. He sounds like a good kid.
Once you have made your decision that's it. You are the parent. You have custody and ultimately you know whats best for him. What kids today have to realize is that sometimes its your way or the highway, and there is no discussion on the matter.
Since you are the parent, you need to make the decision. I also empathize with your son. Why don't you go ahead and move, taking your son with you, but create a schedule where you can take him one day a week to see his girlfriend, or get his girlfriend and bring her to your new home?
I won't even go into the pre-marital sex thing - that is something you and your son need to discuss.
I know when we moved from CA to TX my son, who was 12 at the time, hated it. I felt really bad. As it turned out, I didn't like TX either - and when my husband finally got to TX he didn't like it either. So, after 9 months we moved back to CA - back to our area. My son had gone to school since kindergarten with the same bunch of kids, and when we left for TX he was in 7th grade. He finished out his 7th grade year in TX, but when we moved back, he started his 8th grade year back in CA at his old school with his old friends. He was the happiest kid alive.
While we were in TX my son kept in contact daily with his CA friends via text, phone and computer. I didn't want to take that away from him, as I felt exactly the same way - I missed my friends too.
So, what I am saying is ... since you are moving so close (an hour away) please do allow your son contact with his girlfriend and friends. Take him back there frequently, and allow his friends and girlfriend over too. This will give him comfort and security and save you a lot of headaches, heartache, and fights with your son.
Best of luck to you all!
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