Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hi...this has been a trend of my son for a couple of years, but I think this year has got to top it.
My son is 13 and in the last year of middle school, and we have moved and separated from his Dad. DD seems to be doing well.
My son has always been a bit more emotional, sensitive, etc.
He does not want to do his homework..AT ALL...and I feel like I am constantly all over him about it. Is it his age? Is it the new circumstance? I dont think its the circumstance, because he was like this before.
He leaves puzzle pieces all over the floor and I have to tell him 4x to pick it up. Just a few mins ago I said come on now, the bus will be coming, leave the puzzle, why? In a whiney voice.
So then I raised my voice and told him to get away fr the puzzle and get ready for the bus.
I dont want to be like his father, and it is why we left, but it seems like it is the only way he responds.
Its as though I have to bring myself to half way of what my husband is to get him to listen. My husband was verbally/emotionally/mentally abusive to us.
I was the protector. But now I am alone with them, and they have to know they have to listen, and I dont know, he seems to test me, I think. If I bring myself to get angry, he upsets, and doesn't understand, because i have always protected him from this behavior, and I dont want to exibit this behavior.
Man. I need to sit down and talk to him tonight, I think. This post has gone much further than I was intending...
If you have any ideas or reasoning, i would love to hear about it!
Understand that he knows at 13 exactly what he can get away with and how you will react. Kids are not stupid. Sometimes I think they are hardwired from birth to get food, attention, and whatever they want from their caregivers.
You are the one who needs to change. No more yelling or repeating instructions over and over. Clear rules, clear and consistent consequences, and repetition will get you more.
Exactly what battles are the most important and in what order? Pick the most important and then set the rules. Determine what is a consequence for your son that will make a difference. Each child is different. Establish it both verbally and in writing. Ensure your son hears and reads and has the set of rules and consequences available. Spend less time on the messiness and more on the study habits and school items. The puzzle issue can be "if you dont pick it up or stop when necessary, all puzzles go out for XX time period". School issues can be broken down with the assistance perhaps of the teacher. Dont wait for final grades. Homework, quizzes, test results, class participation/projects are all factors.
Follow through always and with the consequence that was already clearly explained. No yelling, just follow through. If it is no TV, have the TV removed, etc.
REmember it is you who will have to bear the brunt of the subsequent rebellion but if you have picked the right battle and the right consequences, you should see some results. You can also later change any of the items. For example, if your son wants a different consequence, have him provide you with the reasons and support. You and he can change the "contract" and work with the rules and consequences.
He is also going thru or will shortly start to go thru puberty and that will magnify all the actions/rebellions.
Have a g'son that came to live with us in 5th grade.....he had solid d's and f's.....wanted to spend all his time playing football.... I told him "I don't like football, but if you're going to play, I have to go ....You can't play football without a "C" average.....in MY house, you can't play ANYthing if you have even one grade below a "B" you have ONE semester to comply. You're entire future (as you want to have it) depends on grades.
He's now a sophmore in HS with A's and B's and a cellphone, a girlfriend and soon a car.....and is on the school wrestling team. ONE grade below a "B" and he looses EVERYTHING.....and he knows how serious I am cause he lost everything for one semester in middle school....[he decided to test me......I passed]
Have a g'son that came to live with us in 5th grade.....he had solid d's and f's.....wanted to spend all his time playing football.... I told him "I don't like football, but if you're going to play, I have to go ....You can't play football without a "C" average.....in MY house, you can't play ANYthing if you have even one grade below a "B" you have ONE semester to comply. You're entire future (as you want to have it) depends on grades.
He's now a sophmore in HS with A's and B's and a cellphone, a girlfriend and soon a car.....and is on the school wrestling team. ONE grade below a "B" and he looses EVERYTHING.....and he knows how serious I am cause he lost everything for one semester in middle school....[he decided to test me......I passed]
Be fair....be firm.....and EXPECT the best.
Brilliant!
Be fair, firm and expect the best.
I think your son is working you. If you have always been "the protector", don't you think he knows this and plays on it?
Do you have an older (strong/kind) male in your family that will give you some support? I think you need to give your kids a lot of structure. I know you want to soothe their wounds from the separation, but it may be your wounds you are trying to heal. The kids will do better with structure and rules and THEN affection and rewards.
The best thing for my 13 y/o son is natural consequences whenever possible. (He has Asperger's/ADHD and this has worked best, but I think it is good for other children as well). I started last year because he was very demanding and I was having to basically "hold his hand" with schoolwork and many other things.
Now, he is responsible for the schoolwork. If he doesn't do the homework, he takes the consequences (he gets a detention at his school after so many missed assignments). Like the other posters mentioned, as the grades come down, the privileges are taken away.
If he doesn't behave on the bus, he has to walk or bike to school. If he doesn't pack his own lunch, he goes hungry or has to beg from his classmates (who are kind but will not let him get away with this). If he misses the deadline for the permission slip, then he can't go on the field trip. See what I mean?
If my son won't listen when things need to be put away, they get taken away. If this happens repeatedly, then the offending toy/game gets donated to charity.
It has been hard watching the consequences at times, but my son is doing so much better discipline wise and our relationship is better as a result. My husband also does not help with discipline and it is exhausting!
I agree- it's about consequences. Puzzle pieces left out after being warned.... no puzzle, no pieces, no problem. I actually threw out a Playstation last year..... things left in the living room....they are told to pick them up. "We'll do it before bed." "Okay, but I won't remind you again and will throw them out if they are not picked up before you go to bed." The next morning, I get a trash back and clean the living room.
Homework, now that's a different story. Harder for me. But if he doesn't keep his grades up, no skating on Friday night. He went to Universal with this youth group- almost lost out on that, but worked his fanny off and brought his grades up.
When it comes to teens, the phrase "pushing them with a rope" comes to mind!
Understand that he knows at 13 exactly what he can get away with and how you will react. Kids are not stupid. Sometimes I think they are hardwired from birth to get food, attention, and whatever they want from their caregivers.
You are the one who needs to change. No more yelling or repeating instructions over and over. Clear rules, clear and consistent consequences, and repetition will get you more.
Exactly what battles are the most important and in what order? Pick the most important and then set the rules. Determine what is a consequence for your son that will make a difference. Each child is different. Establish it both verbally and in writing. Ensure your son hears and reads and has the set of rules and consequences available. Spend less time on the messiness and more on the study habits and school items. The puzzle issue can be "if you dont pick it up or stop when necessary, all puzzles go out for XX time period". School issues can be broken down with the assistance perhaps of the teacher. Dont wait for final grades. Homework, quizzes, test results, class participation/projects are all factors.
Follow through always and with the consequence that was already clearly explained. No yelling, just follow through. If it is no TV, have the TV removed, etc.
REmember it is you who will have to bear the brunt of the subsequent rebellion but if you have picked the right battle and the right consequences, you should see some results. You can also later change any of the items. For example, if your son wants a different consequence, have him provide you with the reasons and support. You and he can change the "contract" and work with the rules and consequences.
He is also going thru or will shortly start to go thru puberty and that will magnify all the actions/rebellions.
Very good advice! I would really try all that this poster suggested. Now is the time to intervene. If you really try this approach (ie., complete consistency etc) and he doesn't shape up, then you need to have him evaluated by a counselor for depression. Start with these suggestions though!
Understand that he knows at 13 exactly what he can get away with and how you will react. Kids are not stupid. Sometimes I think they are hardwired from birth to get food, attention, and whatever they want from their caregivers.
You are the one who needs to change. No more yelling or repeating instructions over and over. Clear rules, clear and consistent consequences, and repetition will get you more.
Exactly what battles are the most important and in what order? Pick the most important and then set the rules. Determine what is a consequence for your son that will make a difference. Each child is different. Establish it both verbally and in writing. Ensure your son hears and reads and has the set of rules and consequences available. Spend less time on the messiness and more on the study habits and school items. The puzzle issue can be "if you dont pick it up or stop when necessary, all puzzles go out for XX time period". School issues can be broken down with the assistance perhaps of the teacher. Dont wait for final grades. Homework, quizzes, test results, class participation/projects are all factors.
Follow through always and with the consequence that was already clearly explained. No yelling, just follow through. If it is no TV, have the TV removed, etc.
REmember it is you who will have to bear the brunt of the subsequent rebellion but if you have picked the right battle and the right consequences, you should see some results. You can also later change any of the items. For example, if your son wants a different consequence, have him provide you with the reasons and support. You and he can change the "contract" and work with the rules and consequences.
He is also going thru or will shortly start to go thru puberty and that will magnify all the actions/rebellions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jessiegirl_98
Very good advice! I would really try all that this poster suggested. Now is the time to intervene.
I got this method from a wonderful special needs teacher who dealt with everything from physical to emotionally handicapped children. Clear rules with no swaying back and forth, no confusing yelling, and clear consequences that matched the children's understanding and age with consistent use were what kept the kids going.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
