Middle aged kids choosing not to get married or have kids (divorce, fertility)
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Ouch. My son was genetically normal but had a hypoxic event in utero and ended up with brain damage and a host of disabilities - nothing out of the ordinary until he stopped moving at 36 weeks and some change. He’s gorgeous and amazes me every day, but I only signed up for neurotypical kids too. That doesn’t mean that’s what we get and we just have freedom to murder them when things go wrong.
Just saying, please be careful how you talk about this - nobody signs up for special needs kiddos who isn’t specifically adopting them. But you do the best you can and love them to bits anyway, fight like hell to help them, and grow immensely as a person through the process of going through a Very Hard Thing You Never Wanted To Happen.
I’m glad you knew yourself and made the right decision for you, but that’s a really hurtful way to frame the discussion, as though children are choices and not people who we love even when they don’t turn out the way we want them to.
I admit I lacked perspective on this too, until it happened to me. But I can honestly say my extra needs kiddo has been a blessing, damn awful brain injury and all, and in no way is he inferior to his neurotypical siblings. Different, but while I wouldn’t have chosen this for myself if I could have controlled it, I’m genuinely glad to have him just the way he is - and getting to the point of being able to say that was QUITE the process of personal maturity and selflessness.
I still have my tantrum moments about it too, though
Thanks for sharing - very eloquently stated.
My brother and I have both been married for a decade- we are both child-free and the door is closing fast for me, probably already closed for my brother’s wife. My mom would LOVE to have a grandchild but for the most part she doesn’t give us much pressure which I appreciate - that’s not to say she doesn’t bring it up occasionally. My brother and I both have several reasons for foregoing parenthood, but I think the #1 reason for my brother is financial and in my case I don’t want to deal with the day-to-day of parenthood. I’m also worried about how my husband and I could handle a special needs child.
I felt like I lacked that maternal instinct since I was a teenager, but I have softened my stance on parenthood in the past few years. My husband is still in the “no” camp - I’m totally OK with that and that being the case I’ll probably remain child-free. I accept I will miss out on some wonderful things by not having kids, but I’ll also miss out on some pretty bad things too. My mom asked me if she did anything wrong - I said ‘no’, but maybe there were a few things that influence my decision which I wouldn’t want to repeat with my own kids and she wouldn’t want to hear about it. I’d probably avoid some of the inevitable parenting mistakes my parents made, I’d probably repeat some of them and I’d probably also come up with new and creative parenting mistakes in the process. For the most part, though, our parents worked hard to raise us and we felt loved. There are many factors to my decision - I have given more thought to this decision than anything else in my life.. Once a kid is here, there’s no turning back.
I do sometimes wonder at the differences from one generation to the next. My siblings and I married in our 20s and started families. Among our 13 offspring, 5 married in their 20s and also had children. Of the other 8, six of them are now in their 30s and unmarried, although most are in long-term relationships. My two younger sons are in their mid-20s, have long term girlfriends, and seem quite content with the status quo.
I asked my middle son recently if he saw himself marrying his girlfriend. He said "Geez,we've only been dating 18 months". True, but he's known her for 7 years!
I have no great desire to see them settle down and start families. I just can't pinpoint what caused the difference in attitude
towards marriage from my generation to theirs.
Regardless of what the OP is up to, this topic is quite interesting. I'm also surprised how many grown children do not have kids by choice or otherwise. Among ppl outside my friend group it is like having leprosy to not have kids - even if you have them with random ppl and don't take care of them. That's more important than being childless 'round here.
It often varies quite a bit regarding what part of the country you live in, pertaining to natalism. I know very few people that have kids, but I moved away from a conservative religious area when I was very young- an area where people get married or have kids at much younger ages than the national average. Also, age structure demographics of the population varies widely between states. 19% of the population is under age 18 in Maine while 31% is under age 18 in Utah.
Nope, not for me. I could never give up my freedom that I have. I can do what I want, go where I want, sleep in late, quit my job if i don't like it, etc. I also prefer living in urban cores of major metros.
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I'm 60 and knew from my teens I never wanted kids. I had my tubes tied in my mid-twenties and I still don't regret it. If I met someone I thought I could live with the rest of my life, I might consider getting married, but he better not have any kids under the age of 18. Actually, I'd prefer he was an orphan with no kids and no relatives and no ex-wife.
Yeah, I'm really reaching there, aren't I?
Heh. I'm 64,never married or even close, would dearly like a life companion, had my tubes tied at age 30 only because no one would do it before that. I probably lost one good guy over it but I knew I didn't want to live the life of a parent.
I did meet a guy who fits the above poster's ideal. Unfortunately, he's addicted to the opium poppies and MJ that he grows himself, and doesn't mind a drink or four. Great company, not real reliable. I have thought of the ideal of someone without relatives and certainly without young kids.
Choosing is balancing out the person's reasonings with their life style.
I would hope for my adult children they would give it serious consideration be it to remain uncommitted or decide to be a support to a partner or child.
Some of ya'll scare me....isolating a partner...hoping they have no kin? Truly ...disturbing.
I don’t think it’s that unusual anymore, and it’s not even always a reflection of the parents.
As a child of parents who just had kids because they thought they were supposed to, I’m happy that more people are being realistic about what it takes to be a good parent, and whether it’s really for them. There are a lot of things worse than being raised by people who resent you for being alive, but that doesn’t mean it’s not extremely hurtful and damaging.
Childless and age 45. Never wanted kids. Ended up with a total hysterectomy and loss of ovaries when I was 33 for endometriosis so no chance of having kids anyway (biologically speaking). I struggle with mental health issues and can barely manage my own life. I definitely don't have the desire or capacity to care for a child. Nothing wrong with that. I've also been with my partner for 18 years and we are not married for very personal reasons, but are still open to marriage at some point. My sister never had kids either and battles a mental illness. So my parents will never have grandchildren. They don't hold that against us though. It is what it is.
Here is my extended family's layout:
Me (Age 71): married, no children
My Husbands family: One married, no chidren, one gay, no children, one single,no children
My sister (Age 68): One Child, not married. This child has no children and is not married
My other sis (age 66): Married, no children
Her husband's family: One brother, married, no children
So basically, three family lines have all but died out. For the one child out of the lot, she is illegitimate and so carries her mother's last name (Father will not acknowledge her).
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