Step mother offered to pay for my step daughter to have a tattoo for 18th bday! (girl, play)
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Here is what I tell my kids. When you are paying your own bills and out on your own you are welcome to (pick your poison), but until then, you are under my roof and you need to wait. And I know I am the very strict, big meanie.
But, if you want to make big boy (girl) choices, go be one.
So unless SM is willing to start paying all of her bills, she may just need to wait.
cd :O)
This. And to be clear, I am NOT one of the people that says "whatever, do what you want". This stepmother is WAY WAY out of bounds.
What I find more surprising is that it seems (just from these posts) that her parents are way less involved in this issue than you and the step mom. This isn't a battle I would lead if I were you (even though I think you're right) - her mom and dad need to step up and draw the clear lines.
^so you are 100% right. I am making noise here because I really need to vent. I am putting my wife at the front of this because she is ultimately the one who has to make these decisions.
This is how it works for kids with divorced parents (if it isn't already obvious). We say no. Kid goes off mad and tells anyone who will listen.
Grandma and Grandpa, who she would normally go to if it were anything else, would tell her to suck it up. So that's a no-go in this case for her.
So she goes to her step mother...who coincidentally got a tattoo when she turned 18 'because she just wanted to do something rebellious against her parents' and encouraged our daughter to do the same and offered to pay for it.
So now the story goes that she asked mom and stepfather and was told no. Then she asked grandparents and they said no. So then she asked dad and stepmother who said yes?
That is far different than the stepmother offering.
Offering means someone suggested doing something for someone else.
Going down the line of relatives asking for something because they keep being told no is a rebellion of sorts.
THAT means your daughter is the issue and not the stepmother at all.
No she did not ask for her step mother to do this. She just went whining to her about it and so she made the offer. She did not discuss this with biodad at all.
Even still...as I keep saying, this lady is the next thing to an outsider. She has no place in this family. But you can easily see why our daughter likes her....
No she did not ask for her step mother to do this. She just went whining to her about it and so she made the offer. She did not discuss this with biodad at all.
Even still...as I keep saying, this lady is the next thing to an outsider. She has no place in this family. But you can easily see why our daughter likes her....
If she (the step mother) is married to the bio dad, she is a part of the family, whether you like it or not.
It could be said that you are not part of the family since you are married to the mother of the child and not her bio dad.
The real issue seems to be your problem with the step mother. You need to resolve that issue before you cause friction between you and your step daughter.
And if she (the step daughter) goes to college out of state, she might do things that you don't approve of - such as get a tattoo. The 'do as I say or I am not paying' only goes so far after children become adults.
This might seem to be a trivial issue looking back at it in the future, but if you continue to press it and demonize the step mother, this could be the point where you win the battle and lose the war.
Again, this comes down to not really being able to communicate the family dynamic over the Internet.
I am dad. I have been dad for the past 14 years. I coached her soccer team, taught her to tie her shoes, taught her to ride her bike, and helped her with her Honors Pre-Calc homework. Among other things.
Biodad has been MIA since she was 18 months old. And he got married to some lady who is now poking her nose in when it is not welcome. Oh by the way, captain commitment nearly signed away his parental rights when they were doing the custody business. His mother stopped him from doing it. (That's another winner...been married 7 times and calls our daughter to talk for literally 30seconds just to say she called)
Yeah, so I've got issues with them. I have issues with people at work who show up at the end of a project and screw everything up as well!
Again, this comes down to not really being able to communicate the family dynamic over the Internet.
I am dad. I have been dad for the past 14 years. I coached her soccer team, taught her to tie her shoes, taught her to ride her bike, and helped her with her Honors Pre-Calc homework. Among other things.
Biodad has been MIA since she was 18 months old. And he got married to some lady who is now poking her nose in when it is not welcome. Oh by the way, captain commitment nearly signed away his parental rights when they were doing the custody business. His mother stopped him from doing it. (That's another winner...been married 7 times and calls our daughter to talk for literally 30seconds just to say she called)
Yeah, so I've got issues with them. I have issues with people at work who show up at the end of a project and screw everything up as well!
We know you have issues.
The overall family dynamic is somewhat important, but if you've been doing the job you signed up to do 14 years ago, you should be able to talk to your step-daughter. You and her mom raised her, correct? So you helped make her who she is.
You seem much less interested in that, however, than in putting this **gasp** stepmother in her place.
Can't you clear all that crap out and focus on the real issue??
Again, this comes down to not really being able to communicate the family dynamic over the Internet.
I am dad. I have been dad for the past 14 years. I coached her soccer team, taught her to tie her shoes, taught her to ride her bike, and helped her with her Honors Pre-Calc homework. Among other things.
Biodad has been MIA since she was 18 months old. And he got married to some lady who is now poking her nose in when it is not welcome. Oh by the way, captain commitment nearly signed away his parental rights when they were doing the custody business. His mother stopped him from doing it. (That's another winner...been married 7 times and calls our daughter to talk for literally 30seconds just to say she called)
Yeah, so I've got issues with them. I have issues with people at work who show up at the end of a project and screw everything up as well!
Your frustration is apparent and it seems this girl is very lucky to have you in her life.
It does seem like the issue of the tattoo is highlighting one of the great inequities of the world. We want step parents to step up like you do, and then people dismiss your voice as "just a step". If she was given up for adoption and you had anonymously adopted her she would be your daughter without qualification but your arrangement is more complicated.
It's not fair that bio dad gets the first chair in her life, parenting is a verb and it seems you've been there. To lump your right to parent with bio dads new wife doesn't seem right.
That being said, she seems to be working the system and I suggest you let this one go. I hope she will appreciate your role in her life as she gets older (I sure appreciated my parents more after I had kids).
Oh my sons got that itch to get a tattoo.
I advised my sons not to get a tattoo until they are late in their 20's. I told them their tastes would change and they might regret it. Just wait I told them...
They are now in their last 20's and are happy they waited. None of them want tattoo's now.
Just advise her to wait until she gets a little older. What she may pick now she may not like in several years. Remind her just like clothes, what she wore a few years ago---she would probably not want to wear now. Her tastes will change. I would certainly not put up an argument about it, just talk to her like an adult and explain why you advise her to wait.
She's not an adult. She has zero capacity to stand on her own and make adult decisions.
If she has zero percent...Then you did something wrong. That is one of the main goals and objectives that a parent should strive for, to produce an independent, self reliant adult. Someone needs to cut the apron strings and allow her to start to assert some independence and adult behavior as opposed to acting like a control freak and trying to control everything. If you have raised her up well, she will be fine...it doesn't mean that every decision will be a good one, but it will likely be one that she will learn from.
Legally though, she is an adult, no matter how you are in denial about the fact. She does have certain rites, and trying to keep her as a child who must do what you say, is going to backfire in a major way soon.
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