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You don't have to worry about her. She'll change when you change. Her current behavior is a response to you. Her subsequent behavior will also be that.
That's a REALLY sad story.
Sometimes we get responses here we don't like. Yet sometimes they're also appropriate. It's like that when you work with a therapist, too. They push you to see things that make you uncomfortable. That's usually when you're getting somewhere.
Your Mom is right. A few sessions of family therapy might help her make the break to go to college happily. She might not say it, or even recognize it herself, but she is terrified to be leaving you.
Yes, she will. She still hasn't come to grips with the fears caused by her being abandoned by her mother. That's why she needs help. She isn't magically going to stop being the first grader who ran to your car thanking God you were safe, just because she turned 18. In the back of her mind, she still has fear that something will happen to you. That's clear in how she still projects that you are incapable of even feeding yourself properly.
Or, she ran to the car with worry when she was young because she had anxiety already, and might just transfer it to something else even if he starts to feed himself properly. Could be either. That's why he should correct his enabling and watch her to see if she demonstrates it else where. Because for all intensive purposes it sounds like he's told her he is an adult and she doesn't need to worry about him before and the behavior is still continuing.
Your response should be, of course you can. I've raised you well. But I am still your father and insist on doing it myself so you can live your life. I will always be here."
ETA- Tell her when you're old and can no longer do it, you will need her to help out. Until then, assure her that you're not going anywhere and that she has a lot of living to do.
For about 6 months after her mom left( I really don't know if this has anything to do with anything other than maybe attachment) she slept in my bed with her stuffed monkey. Not 7 days a week, but 4 or 5
It wasn't until she turned 9 or 10 when I started talking to her about why Mom left, I kept it PG, I just told her Mom wasn't tough enough to be in the family, so she left. Obviously it's deeper than that, but at 10, it was sufficient enough.
I'm 34, my daughter just turned 18. Yes, that math is correct, I became a father at 16. My ex wife( technically we're not divorced but we consider each other exes) and I were childhood friends who dated through high school. My wife is gone now, very messy situation, she did what she felt was best for her. So now it's just my daughter and I. Ever since she was around 14, she's had this incessant need to take care of me and I guess watch out for me. I'm not mad or annoyed, I think it's sweet. I've told her I'm a grown man who can do things for himself.
Every morning, before I wake up, she gets up and makes breakfast, I never asked her too, but she does anyway. Average day for her during the school year is: Get up, cook breakfast, go to school, go to work, come home, homework, cook dinner, chill, bed. Working was her idea, she wanted to " pitch in". I offer to cook, but she always tells me, she likes her food edible( I'm not that bad at cooking haha). She cleans the house about 50% of the time because " dirtiness annoys her".
Why does she do all this? Is it just the thought process of " Mom's gone, I need to step up to the plate."
I "fight" her on everything as in " You don't need to do that, I can..." but her response is " but I want too"
Maybe she wants "sameness" - a routine since things may have been less than one in the past. I thinks it good also about the part time job; she sounds like a great girl (good job there) and just shows one can overcome.
Sometimes, that routine - that thing we can count on - is just the thing we need.
It wasn't until she turned 9 or 10 when I started talking to her about why Mom left, I kept it PG, I just told her Mom wasn't tough enough to be in the family, so she left. Obviously it's deeper than that, but at 10, it was sufficient enough.
That's an odd approach....
Forgive me, but please remind me why "mom left"? Is Mom dead?
Forgive me, but please remind me why "mom left"? Is Mom dead?
It was a mixture of her hating her situation( teenage mom) and booze, lots of booze. Tried getting her to stop, unsuccessfully, she wanted to be childless and not have to deal with me so she left in 2000. I'd rather word it as " Mom wasn't tough enough" as opposed to " Well, Mom's 2 favorite things in the world were diet coke and Captain Morgan and quite frankly, she couldn't stand being around you because you symbolized a little work in her life.", I just think, again, she was 10, I think explanation #2 is too rough. Obviously now that she's an adult, she's heard #2
Last edited by Ghostfacefan; 08-18-2014 at 07:27 PM..
"I told her I could" - but you didn't do it. You let her skip something appropriate for her age so that she could do her wifely duty for you. Do the danged laundry so that it isn't an issue for her. Same with meals and getting up to make HER breakfast. Get up, make her breakfast.
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