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I'm 34, my daughter just turned 18. Yes, that math is correct, I became a father at 16. My ex wife( technically we're not divorced but we consider each other exes) and I were childhood friends who dated through high school. My wife is gone now, very messy situation, she did what she felt was best for her. So now it's just my daughter and I. Ever since she was around 14, she's had this incessant need to take care of me and I guess watch out for me. I'm not mad or annoyed, I think it's sweet. I've told her I'm a grown man who can do things for himself.
Every morning, before I wake up, she gets up and makes breakfast, I never asked her too, but she does anyway. Average day for her during the school year is: Get up, cook breakfast, go to school, go to work, come home, homework, cook dinner, chill, bed. Working was her idea, she wanted to " pitch in". I offer to cook, but she always tells me, she likes her food edible( I'm not that bad at cooking haha). She cleans the house about 50% of the time because " dirtiness annoys her".
Why does she do all this? Is it just the thought process of " Mom's gone, I need to step up to the plate."
I "fight" her on everything as in " You don't need to do that, I can..." but her response is " but I want too"
I'm 34, my daughter just turned 18. Yes, that math is correct, I became a father at 16. My ex wife( technically we're not divorced but we consider each other exes) and I were childhood friends who dated through high school. My wife is gone now, very messy situation, she did what she felt was best for her. So now it's just my daughter and I. Ever since she was around 14, she's had this incessant need to take care of me and I guess watch out for me. I'm not mad or annoyed, I think it's sweet. I've told her I'm a grown man who can do things for himself.
Every morning, before I wake up, she gets up and makes breakfast, I never asked her too, but she does anyway. Average day for her during the school year is: Get up, cook breakfast, go to school, go to work, come home, homework, cook dinner, chill, bed. Working was her idea, she wanted to " pitch in". I offer to cook, but she always tells me, she likes her food edible( I'm not that bad at cooking haha). She cleans the house about 50% of the time because " dirtiness annoys her".
Why does she do all this? Is it just the thought process of " Mom's gone, I need to step up to the plate."
Well I'm not a doctor but my guess would be that she is worried you will leave her too so she's trying to be perfect so you won't have a reason to. It's sad. I would make a point to tell her often that you're not going anywhere. Also, unless you need her to "pitch in" I would have her quit her job, she's putting enough responsibility on her shoulders without it. Choose something you can make (tacos are good) and declare Tuesdays "dad cooks night." Also, divide up the chores, write it down and follow through on your part.
Eta: we adopted our children and one of the things that the education classes we went to talked about was "perfection syndrome" where an adopted child tries to be the perfect child in the hopes that their new family won't abandon them like the previous one (s) did. This just sounds a little like that to me.
Well I'm not a doctor but my guess would be that she is worried you will leave her too so she's trying to be perfect so you won't have a reason to. It's sad. I would make a point to tell her often that you're not going anywhere. Also, unless you need her to "pitch in" I would have her quit her job, she's putting enough responsibility on her shoulders without it. Choose something you can make (tacos are good) and declare Tuesdays "dad cooks night." Also, divide up the chores, write it down and follow through on your part.
If none of that works, family counseling.
I think her having a part time job is good for her because it gets her out into the world with other people. Instead, I'd refuse to take her money and tell her to spend it on herself or save it for something she wants or college. It's more appropriate for her to cut back on doing housework than quitting her job.
I think her having a part time job is good for her because it gets her out into the world with other people. Instead, I'd refuse to take her money and tell her to spend it on herself or save it for something she wants or college. It's more appropriate for her to cut back on doing housework than quitting her job.
Fair enough, either one would work. I agree that money she earns should be for her.
Well I think the other posters summed it up pretty well. If she doesn't feel needed, she expects you'll leave too. I am sad for her. While it is sweet ,and shows she'll do just fine in life, you have to do all these things so she doesnt have to. Buy and use a crock pot 2-3 nights a week. Then nobody has to "cook" and it makes for more free time in the evenings. I dont think working is bad, but let her keep her money, don't let her contribute to bills. If she insists, hides money in your wallet, or pockets- put it away in a bank account for her. When she moves out, you gift that back to her, or sooner if the need arises.
Did she ever get counseling when mom left? That might be the route and solution to all of it. How old was she when mom left?
Well I think the other posters summed it up pretty well. If she doesn't feel needed, she expects you'll leave too. I am sad for her. While it is sweet ,and shows she'll do just fine in life, you have to do all these things so she doesnt have to. Buy and use a crock pot 2-3 nights a week. Then nobody has to "cook" and it makes for more free time in the evenings. I dont think working is bad, but let her keep her money, don't let her contribute to bills. If she insists, hides money in your wallet, or pockets- put it away in a bank account for her. When she moves out, you gift that back to her, or sooner if the need arises.
Did she ever get counseling when mom left? That might be the route and solution to all of it. How old was she when mom left?
She was 4 when her mom left. She had her at 16, felt overwhelmed by motherhood and left.
I guess if you could call it " concern" I'm concerned for her social life. She's passed on parties and stuff because " it was laundry night" or " vacuum night". I told her I could, but she did it anyway
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