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Everything you talk about here is about power and how much better your kid is than the other one. I think your attitude is what is wrong here. Your kid isn't better than anybody.
But you don't want to hear that; you are never in the wrong, I'm sure.
I'm a big fan in giving kids the information and tools to fight their own battles, within reason. Have you asked your son what he wants you to do at this point? The school year is nearly over and hopefully you can request this child not be in the same class as your son next year. I have a son similar to yours and understand these "alpha boy" struggles. I too am totally okay with my child physically defending himself if and only if someone else starts it. I think the best thing we can do for our kids is to help them understand why its happening. Tell him the other child must feel sad or insecure about himself on the inside, isn't that sad, ect. Have you gone to the guidance counselor at the school? At the beginning of middle school my son had a similar issue but it was with a group of boys he didn't know since schools were merging. I told him if he felt like it was affecting his life that I would contact the guidance counselor. I did and the counselor decided to have "have lunch" at the table this group of boys sat at and then he called out the ring leader for his bullying behavior. The kid was still a jerk, my son never befriended him but they tolerate each other. Which is really all you can hope for in some instances.
Thank you to everyone - it's been interesting to read the reactions to the topic. For the record, the school is very well regarded, although the playground is horribly supervised (thankfully the supervisor in charge knows my son after 4 years and knows that, while he's a big personality out there, he's not a trouble maker). For the record, my son's clothing is actually more expensive than the "bully's" so it's not a socio-economic battle it's just the kid looking for anything to attack. I do believe the bully is hurt in some way- aren't most? I think he feels left out and have constantly encouraged my son to ignore, laugh off, etc etc this kids remarks, which he has attempted to do day after day ......
And to the poster who believes I am approaching the situation from extremes....too much too little, you are absolutely wrong. Describing everything we have done to try to remedy this would not be appropriate in this type if forum, but thanks for your strong, accusatory yet unsubstantiated opinion.
Let me just clarify my post above - Your kids clothes are more expensive than the other kid's clothes? Who says stuff like that? What did you go an check their wardrobe?
First let me say, "Bad Santa" "Bad Santa" "Bad Santa".
1. Going to the principal is not a bad idea. The school is suppose to make the environment a safe haven. You can sue the school if anything happens to your child. Go read about the court cases.
2. Bullying is really just a form of arseholery. Where they get it from, who knows. We know what to do with arseholes. Their is nothing wrong with using self defense. I mean if I was outside and somebody attacked me out of the blue, what could I be allowed to do or not. Ever read about the original "Vigilante" case.
3. If a person just stand up for themselves, by talking back or even fighting back it sloves the problem over time, because they show the person they are capable of doing damage to them. This has happen to me in the past, and it worked.
4. Personally bullying takes many forms. Like people who have bad opinions of works. So forth. Then their is verbal abuse. Some people do things like use words like "little" or "talks over you" being a jerk.
5. The thing is, it was a trend. Basically people being annoying jerks, is the same thing. They come in all shapes and sizes. By that people should just express themselves openly and not be afraid. I mean ****, just be angry and explode, for that one time. I did it one time, when I was a kid and nobody picked on me, for a long time. Until I ran into a transfer student, and I made excuses not to deal with them. Later i saw one of his friends was going to college all crippled like. Not saying anything might not just hurt you but other people in your neighborhood, your future, and prolong life. What comes around goes around. Even if college I had bullies, but then these bullies were using their mind to get to me.
It just gets more and more stupider down the road. Nobody wants to get into a fight with anybody, in fear of losing their jobs. Because two or three employees might pair up and report people. The end result of bullying, or people being arseholes is when people realize they can't get paid money for it.
The gene continues, because many jerks out their keep the problem alive, and makes their children indifferent to other people on purpose.
From reading your first post, it sounds like your son was bullied by a very insecure child. One that may have felt like he was discarded by your son and replaced by another friend, which is likely not what happened, but kids think like kids and don't know how to respond to their feelings. Either way, he was bullied. Though I understand your response of wanting him to defend himself when he feels he needs to, I'm not sure telling him to take shots when he feels like it was the appropriate thing to do. I'd only condone that behavior if the bully took a shot at my son first and there was no other way to get out of the situation. It's pathetic the teacher is not sticking up for your kid. How is he supposed to learn to trust people if those he's expected to look up to don't defend him in situations kids are not supposed to have to face? I was bullied. It was a time when victims of bullies were thought to have to "grow a pair" and learn to stick up for ourselves on our own....yet fighting was not allowed. I was not in a good position other than the teacher knew I was a good kid and never started problems. My bully got in trouble for starting lies about me the teachers knew were not true, but beyond that, they would not help me. I learned to just stay away from my classmates and potential friends (the nicer crowd) in order to stay out of trouble. I lost two good friends to my bully. The bully they both said they'd never be friends with. I refused to hang with them the moment they started to pick on me with her. I don't know if they ever got the point. EIther way, I got through the problem my own way. This day an age, it's harder with the internet and other more creative ways to socialize.
So far, it seems your boy has not gotten to that point, but it would be very good to take action before it gets worse. Make a stink at his school if you need to. Move him to a new school if they don't do anything to your satisfaction. You are his advocate and he needs to know he can look up to you to protect him if he can't do more on his own. He's a kid, you are a parent. He'll learn from your example. Stick up for him and he'll be able to stick up for himself in the future. Give him ideas, but be ready to fight for him if you need to.
I believe theire is a distinction as bullying usually implies an imbalance of power. Our situation does not ..... my 4th grader is a big, strong, athletic kid who gravitates towards boys with similar characteristics. It's interesting to observe each year as the boys establish who the Alpha male is when school starts in the Fall. This is normal, healthy behavior and it allows boys to get on with their friendship and daily business (from what I've read and seen). While my son is an athlete, he also has a softer side and is a genuinely great friend who has a history of sticking up for kids who may have been smaller, getting teased, etc. He recently won an award for good sportsmanship in tennis and the "hardest worker" award on his ski team. Last year his teacher awarded him with the "Glowing Example" award for setting a glowing example for his friends. Basically, he's a pretty great kid. Not perfect, obviously, but pretty great IMHO
He became very good friends with another very competitive and athletic boy last year. His mother even sent me an e-mail about what an amazing kid my son was and how happy they were to have him in their son's life.
This year, things changed. The boys were placed in the same class again, however, this time with 3 or 4 other alpha male contenders. The class list looked more like a football line up than a classroom roster. I don't know what the principal was thinking. Long story short (well, sort of) pretty much at the beginning of the school my son became quite good friends with another boy - they just hit it off and seemed to have a mutual respect. Again, a very strong personality and athlete. The boy from last year, who had been such a good friend, just seemed to completely change. He has been tormenting my son nearly every single day of this school year. Making fun of the way he dresses (Under armour is better than Nike sort of comments, Nike is for girls, etc.), how he stands, the sports he does, pushing him from behind, lying - you name it. It has been incessant and I have been hearing about it all school year long. We brought it to his teacher's attention at conferences in the fall and she wanted nothing to do with it (she suggested bringing it to the principal's attention). The teacher is another story - never have I experienced someone just doing enough to get by meeting the minimum standards to this extent. Horrendous and not fair to the kids.
My son's personality hit a low a few months back- he was grouchy, negative, quiet and not at all himself - I finally put my foot down and said I was getting involved. My son had insisted all school year that he could 'handle' it. He knew if we got involved the boy would then resort to calling mine a tattle tale - a new topic of torment. We contacted the principal (who my husband has a decent relationship with) against my son's wish's and things improved for a while, but now they're back to really bad.
I am at a loss as to what to do. Going to the parents will not help as they never admit to any wrong doing (I have many other examples but this post is getting way too long). The parents are out of control and obnoxious in sports. They volunteer to coach everything and always play their son in the most in demand positions, only root for him at games and basically treat him as if he's destined to become a pro athlete (unlikely).
We have given our son permission to basically whack the kid when the opportunity presents itself (how horrible that sounds), which he has done a few times on the playground....it may make a bit of difference but basically this kid is just in my son's ear constantly. UGH. I feel so badly that my boy is going through this and am so amazed that one little jerk can impact an entire school year in this way. Is it bullying? I don't know. I don't feel there's an imbalance of power so to speak. Is this just a kid being mean? I've told my son he needs to thicken his skin so this kid doesn't get to him so much - I mean really? Under Armour vs. Nike? Who cares! But I guess after enough of it, it gets difficult to tune out. Seems like there should be some way to make it stop. Thoughts? Advice? Sorry for being so lengthy too.
Sorry your kids going through this sounds like the other kid is jealous and feels like your son isn't his friend anymore and ditched him, that's exactly how this story reads to me.
And yes UA is much nicer than Nike, all my stuff is 5+ years old from UA and still in great condition. All my nike stuff wore out. Just sayin. It's the "cool" brand now.
As to the question if it is bullying or just plain mean, I would say that if your son has told the other boy to stop/leave me alone and he does not, that is bullying. He obviously feels he can do what ever he wants, and to me, that is an imbalance of power. The question is, "Whose responsibility is it to restore balance?" That I think is what is hotly debated.
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