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Sure there is. Around here, that is grounds for suspension. And, what good would it do anyway?
I see the OP's son as having two choices. Ignore the boy, or kill him with kindness. We're talking about 9 and 10 yr olds here (4th graders). I think the boy causing the problem is hurt that his buddy from last year ditched him for a new best friend, and he isn't handling it well.
Only if he gets caught. A teacher can tell from across the playground if a kid is hitting another kid, but they can't tell what one kid is saying quietly to another.
OP I think your right and it isn't bullying. It is one kid, without a power imbalance and while it is mean and hurtful it is not bullying.
I think you have done everything you can and you need to just let your son handle it from here, especially as the school year is almost over AND he is entering those tween years. Your son is old enough to begin learning how to deal with a single individual and that sounds like what this is.
I believe theire is a distinction as bullying usually implies an imbalance of power. Our situation does not ..... my 4th grader is a big, strong, athletic kid who gravitates towards boys with similar characteristics. It's interesting to observe each year as the boys establish who the Alpha male is when school starts in the Fall. This is normal, healthy behavior and it allows boys to get on with their friendship and daily business (from what I've read and seen). While my son is an athlete, he also has a softer side and is a genuinely great friend who has a history of sticking up for kids who may have been smaller, getting teased, etc. He recently won an award for good sportsmanship in tennis and the "hardest worker" award on his ski team. Last year his teacher awarded him with the "Glowing Example" award for setting a glowing example for his friends. Basically, he's a pretty great kid. Not perfect, obviously, but pretty great IMHO
He became very good friends with another very competitive and athletic boy last year. His mother even sent me an e-mail about what an amazing kid my son was and how happy they were to have him in their son's life.
This year, things changed. The boys were placed in the same class again, however, this time with 3 or 4 other alpha male contenders. The class list looked more like a football line up than a classroom roster. I don't know what the principal was thinking. Long story short (well, sort of) pretty much at the beginning of the school my son became quite good friends with another boy - they just hit it off and seemed to have a mutual respect. Again, a very strong personality and athlete. The boy from last year, who had been such a good friend, just seemed to completely change. He has been tormenting my son nearly every single day of this school year. Making fun of the way he dresses (Under armour is better than Nike sort of comments, Nike is for girls, etc.), how he stands, the sports he does, pushing him from behind, lying - you name it. It has been incessant and I have been hearing about it all school year long. We brought it to his teacher's attention at conferences in the fall and she wanted nothing to do with it (she suggested bringing it to the principal's attention). The teacher is another story - never have I experienced someone just doing enough to get by meeting the minimum standards to this extent. Horrendous and not fair to the kids.
My son's personality hit a low a few months back- he was grouchy, negative, quiet and not at all himself - I finally put my foot down and said I was getting involved. My son had insisted all school year that he could 'handle' it. He knew if we got involved the boy would then resort to calling mine a tattle tale - a new topic of torment. We contacted the principal (who my husband has a decent relationship with) against my son's wish's and things improved for a while, but now they're back to really bad.
I am at a loss as to what to do. Going to the parents will not help as they never admit to any wrong doing (I have many other examples but this post is getting way too long). The parents are out of control and obnoxious in sports. They volunteer to coach everything and always play their son in the most in demand positions, only root for him at games and basically treat him as if he's destined to become a pro athlete (unlikely).
We have given our son permission to basically whack the kid when the opportunity presents itself (how horrible that sounds), which he has done a few times on the playground....it may make a bit of difference but basically this kid is just in my son's ear constantly. UGH. I feel so badly that my boy is going through this and am so amazed that one little jerk can impact an entire school year in this way. Is it bullying? I don't know. I don't feel there's an imbalance of power so to speak. Is this just a kid being mean? I've told my son he needs to thicken his skin so this kid doesn't get to him so much - I mean really? Under Armour vs. Nike? Who cares! But I guess after enough of it, it gets difficult to tune out. Seems like there should be some way to make it stop. Thoughts? Advice? Sorry for being so lengthy too.
That is definitely bullying. It sounds like you live in the 70's, with teachers not caring and the idea that tattling will make it worse. That's how I grew up. I thought today we didn't think like that. The school year is almost over now, so there's not much you can do about this year. Instead, put your concerns in writing, use the word "bullying" and copy the teacher and the principal. If it's not in writing, there is no accountability. Then request that your son not be in a class with this boy next year, and make sure you follow up before the next school year starts.
FYI, I think your son whacking him is perfectly fine, except that it amazes me that no one is watching the kids. I'd have really serious concerns about that school. It sounds horribly managed.
The boy knows how to push his buttons. There are people out there that just love to do this. I would tell your son it is not christian for the boy to be doing this. There will always be the better than clothes and I would let your son know that the clothes are not what makes people good it is what is inside. This is hard to explain to a child at this age but start it now and maybe by the time he gets to be 18 it will stick.
If the boy is following around your son and is in his personal space then tell your son to say very loud "Hey!!! your in my space!!!!". If he is actually touching your boy you do the same if there is no reaction from an adult then take it into his hands! This is called self defense and the boy needs to learn it is not to be tolerated by your son. If you get a call from the principal let them know your son was defending himself and he has a right to when it is physical.
Mental abuse is worst than physical with physical you can see the scars with mental you will never physically see the scars.
I had problems with my youngest son when he was in high school, being bullied or harassed. Those were the days before the anti-bullying movement. My son was short, quiet, studious, but strong. Most of the time he ignored the person but after several years, when he was a senior, he apparently had enough. When the bully grabbed his backpack, he swung around, knocking the bully off balance. When the bully started to assault my son, my son physically fought back. The bully, a jock, ended up with a black eye, the humiliation of his fan club and never bothered my son again.
Moral to the story, I always said, "never throw the first punch, but defend yourself."
Good morning ladies,
Having grown up in the school system and the playground as well as being a four year Varsity starter in High school and later on in College, I personally know a thing or two about the locker room and the hall ways, I might add, both of my children (boy and girl) we're both MVP's and team Captains in two Varsity sports in High School and both moved on and we're Division 1 athletes and both have found their way, one as a senior consultant and staff writer for McGraw hill and the other as an officer with the United States Government and the LE community.
OP,
I have always raised my children on a couple of key points and a few facts of life. Never ever allow anyone to verbally abuse you or physically place a hand on you, "NEVER". After following normal channels when bullying or verbal/physical abuse was involved in school or the neighborhood, the rules are simple, Knock the snot out of anyone who places a hand on you. You can't always walk away, you just can't, but every time the abuse starts, throw the punch, and I mean throw the punch and knock the snot out of any little jackass until the verbal or physical ABUSE stops, and it will after time. Teachers mean well but they don't see it like a lunch room aid might, you can't always rely on support staff, sometimes it comes down to the kids, it doesn't have to be scary, because boys and girls will be boys and girls.
Teach you're kids well on the art of standing up for not only themselves but for OTHERS or face the alternative of having your kids living in fear throughout their school days?
*SIDE NOTE* We always stayed as far away from the field or ice during sporting events as we could to avoid the crazies and the questions like, who trained you're son to be so fast? we would answer, not us, he learned from watching the NY Rangers and skating everyday, lol.
Like I said, the rules are simple.
Thank you ladies, and Happy Mothers Day
Knight
Last edited by Knightly Knight; 05-09-2014 at 09:01 AM..
Sorry to hear that your son is going through this difficulty at school. It does sound like the school doesn't have good control over what is going on. I can certainly emphasize since my daughter (who has her own set of issues) has often butted headed with other kids, sometimes for years. I've written many notes to the school over the years, called the principal, teachers, etc. They were pretty good addressing the issues head on including avoiding classes with certain kids, frequent trips to the school counselors to mediate, etc. Some of the worst incidences were on that darned bus and the neighborhood kids who could be brutal.
I'm of the opinion though that certain kids just have mean streaks to them. One of my daughter's tormentors started off as a friend but things went downhill from there. The parents were rather iffy to me and the mom had a mean streak which became worse over the years to the point where I was getting abuse from her and some other moms she turned against us. Her daughter seemed to pick up on some of these characteristics too. If the bully's parents are animals at sporting events, that is a good indication that some of this is rubbing off on their son. We actually discouraged a friendship between our daughter and another girl (with anger issues) a few weeks ago due to her parent's behavior at sporting events. The parents are very aggressive people and the father was actually thrown off the field for almost getting into a physical fight with the ref. We don't need that in our life nor does my daughter.
Good luck to you. It is good your son does stand up to these kids though. But make every effort to get the school involved. Or change schools if things continue on their current path. BTW, our bullying problems started in Kindergarten and continued through 7th grade. It has been an ongoing thing and only corrected by us moving out of state last summer. This year has been glorious in our new state and my daughter has thrived.
My kids school has many bully's. It seems to be a culture thing right now. My petite daughter often has to deal with boys two grades older who try to make her life miserable. The teachers act like it isn't happening. Home schooling is something im considering.
My third grader went through this with a former friend this year. It was female bullying and the girl tried to make every other girl in the class not be her friend. It crushed my heart for her to go through this. She took care of it by standing up to the girl, and I made play dates and sleepovers with the other girls. They started leaving the other girl out, and I encouraged my daughter start including her.
This boy is bullying your child, make no mistake of his intent. Luckily your child can defend himself. i would encourage your son to become more proactive and you can practice with him responses he can make. I am worried that your son might be suspended if it gets physical at recess. Do they have a zero tolerance for fighting?
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