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OK folks this is the last time I will explain this to somebody who obviously has not read the entire thread. Her teachers have had to call us and have us bring signed permission slips, etc to the school because she did not give us messages and forms from the school and because she has not given to the teachers signed permission forms we thought were getting to the teachers. These are things in her backpack. Anybody with kids in school is well aware of the back and forth from teachers and parents. And e mails just don't cover everything. Why should a teacher have to send us a special e mail which says Be sure to look in her backpack cause there is something to be signed in it? Can you imagine how long it would take for each teacher to send such email to home of every student?
I wonder if it might help to simply reduce the number of battles you are currently trying to pick. We have the banana dispute, the chip conflict, the what she's allowed to do after school skirmish, the plastic lunchbox debacle, and a lot of other issues that seem small time.
If you try to nit-pick too many things with certain kids, it gets overwhelming for them. Yes, maybe you could handle it when you were her age. Maybe your other kids could too. But kids are different. This one may get frustrated more easily.
I would drop the battles over some other stuff so I had more resources to fight the most important one. So if that is getting communication to and from school going, great. That means you drop the controlling what she snacks on business and lighten up on her schedule at home and give her a brown paper bag or a disposable bag from the store and quit packing bananas without saying anything about it if they're winding up uneaten and unloved in the book bag.
On any one of these issues alone, you are not "wrong" but the combination of all of them together is creating a scenario where your daughter seems to be overwhelmed and seems to be acting out as a result of being too tightly controlled for being a preteen. IMHO.
I wonder if it might help to simply reduce the number of battles you are currently trying to pick. We have the banana dispute, the chip conflict, the what she's allowed to do after school skirmish, the plastic lunchbox debacle, and a lot of other issues that seem small time.
If you try to nit-pick too many things with certain kids, it gets overwhelming for them. Yes, maybe you could handle it when you were her age. Maybe your other kids could too. But kids are different. This one may get frustrated more easily.
I would drop the battles over some other stuff so I had more resources to fight the most important one. So if that is getting communication to and from school going, great. That means you drop the controlling what she snacks on business and lighten up on her schedule at home and give her a brown paper bag or a disposable bag from the store and quit packing bananas without saying anything about it if they're winding up uneaten and unloved in the book bag.
On any one of these issues alone, you are not "wrong" but the combination of all of them together is creating a scenario where your daughter seems to be overwhelmed and seems to be acting out as a result of being too tightly controlled for being a preteen. IMHO.
This is my thought is well. I understand this girl needs structure and a little more "help" than your other ones, but it just seems like there is a lot of conflict that needn't be there; a lot of battles that shouldn't be battles. I think you may want to focus on the real issue here, which seems to be school communication. The other stuff just comes off as very rigid and the cause of a lot of unneeded conflict.
Last edited by strawflower; 11-25-2013 at 06:55 PM..
Yes we require her to bow deeply, kiss our rings and utter "Here dear parental units- I bring to you my school book bag for your careful inspection. May I please go now to consume my perfectly healthy snack before you shackle me to the chair to work on homework for 6 hours straight? Thank you oh esteemed parental units. I will forever be grateful for your perfect parenting."
Should I be more literal? She is required to bring her back pack to me or her father directly and not leave it in the mud room which is what has caused us all so much grief. After she unpacks it and we discuss the contents and sign what needs to be signed she takes the bookbag back to her hook in the mud room.
Usually when she comes home from school I am working at my computer and she drops it at my feet, sits down on the floor to pet the dogs and we discuss her day. Sheeeeeesh.............
Then maybe you should have said that to begin with. Your first post most certainly sounded like a controlling parent. Again, natural consequences...if she leaves a banana in her bag, SHE can deal with the aftermath of that whether that is bringing a smelly lunch to school or not having a lunch to bring. If you have this many issues with her and her personal care, I suggest you look into Aspurgers/Autism because at this age, they should know to wipe themselves without being reminded.
This is my thought is well. I understand this girl needs structure and a little more "help" than your other ones, but it just seems like there is a lot of conflict that needn't be there; a lot of battles that shouldn't be battles. I think you may want to focus on the real issue here, which seems to be school communication. The other stuff just comes off as very rigid and the cause of a lot of unneeded conflict.
What is rigid about wanting her to keep her book bag free of old food exactly? What will her papers and books look like with old food on them? Will they be acceptable to turn in? Is lying about chips or homework completion more acceptable from her because she has a disability? I wouldn't send that message to my kids. Unneeded conflict? Allowing her to NOT do it when the others are expected to will definitely produce a conflict. Probably a longer lasting conflict than just sticking to cleaning the bag out after school like everyone else.
To me not expecting the same from her as the others will only serve to lower her self esteem. Even if teaching her the good habit takes longer, the end is whats important. That she can meet the same expectations of the other children in her family.
If she has attention issues than it will just take longer but she can still feel just as accomplished as the other kids and if I'm not mistaken I believe that is the end goal.
She is 11yrs old. My son is 10yrs with Tourettes, OCD and ADHD. It takes him more time for some things, less for others but I still expect him to accomplish these types of things regardless. If I didn't and told him I expected less because he is disabled and my standards aren't as high for him as my others (which is what letting them go says to a kid) , I think that would be more upsetting emotionally in the end, not to mention totally unnecessary of me to do.
I tell him all the time that I don't let the fact that some things are more difficult for me than others stops me from accomplishing them. I just work harder but for that I get the same results in the end and that is what counts.
As far as lying goes do you think that will get easier to deal with when she is a teen? Lying to cover up difficulty doesn't ever work in someones favor. It's a dead end road, why send her on it?
My locker at school used to have rotten bananas and apples and I turned out OK, I think. I have an MFA and taught at a university for awhile before a successful corporate career. Those seem to be the kind of things you value. I get that you want her to clean the container, etc., but I join the people here who say your regimentation for her life seems a bit much. I had the exact same response as the other person when you said "put the backpack at my feet." Maybe you didn't mean how it sounded, but perhaps your phraseology sounds that way to her, too. You have problems with potato chips, comic books, homework, and you're anticipating trouble with boys with whom she has yet to show an interest. Honestly, I'm practically hyperventilating just reading about the pressure. You say there are some things you "let slide," but I bet there aren't many.
While she may not be as obedient and productive as your other children, maybe she CAN'T be. Maybe her attention span is too short. Maybe it's not her fault she forgets about paperwork she was supposed to give you. Maybe she experiences stresses we can't even imagine (given how sensitive she is to movies other kids take in stride). It also freaked me out when you described your older child as having "penmanship like a printer" or some such thing. That's a standard few of us even see the need for, let alone are capable of. I don't think you were meaning to create empathy for your daughter with your posts, but that's the only reaction I have. For better or worse, many people deal with pressure by subconsciously responding, "This is a game I can never win. So I refuse to play." I wouldn't blame your daughter if that was her feeling about life as she's experiencing it.
She's your "only child who's not academically gifted" but has a lovely disposition. I'd count my blessings instead of worrying how to fix her.
What is rigid about wanting her to keep her book bag free of old food exactly? What will her papers and books look like with old food on them? Will they be acceptable to turn in? Is lying about chips or homework completion more acceptable from her because she has a disability? I wouldn't send that message to my kids. Unneeded conflict? Allowing her to NOT do it when the others are expected to will definitely produce a conflict. Probably a longer lasting conflict than just sticking to cleaning the bag out after school like everyone else.
I think the point Starflower was making is that it's not just this one issue. Any one of the issues the OP has mentioned is perfectly reasonable on its own. There is nothing unkind or "wrong" about not wanting her to have rotten bananas in her backpack. However in the larger picture, it seems this girl who is quickly becoming a young adult is having quite a few things controlled for her that perhaps don't need to be an issue. Not everything has to be a fight. If you don't want to have a fight every morning over wearing a too-skimpy top to school, you simply don't buy it at the mall. If she can't remember to remove old bananas, just get canned fruit. If you don't want to have a fight over potato chips, you simply don't keep them in the house. Having dad keep them around for him to munch on, then tell the daughter she can't have any suddenly becomes a control issue. If there are some legitimate issues that need addressed, it would be a good thing to cut down on the smaller ones that aren't as urgent so daughter doesn't feel picked on or overwhelmed.
I'm all about healthy at our house. I'm somewhat overweight and while they aren't I'm trying to instill healthy eating habits at a young age so that is my concern about potato chips. From what I've read they are about the worst snack in the world!
Funny, my mom used to micromanage the cookies ~ we could only have two at a time, and both my sister and I ate WAY too many of them when we got out on our own, compared to our friends who could eat the whole bag growing up.
Moral of the story, I don't think limiting them works to encourage healthy eating.
I am still confused on what type of treatment and or therapy you have your daughter in since you feel the learning disability is an issue? I wonder if you have had her tested for other diagnosis? I ask because you stated she stained her pants at age 11 and that seems very extreme. I wonder if there is more going on then just a learning disability? Possibly you are asking her to do things she cant comprehend and if she can't do something to punish her is not right.
In the mean time everyday when she gets home can you ask her is your lunch bag empty, do you have any notes from your teacher, any homework? I agree lying is not ok but maybe she is doing so because she can't accomplish what you are asking and needs more help.
I wonder if it might help to simply reduce the number of battles you are currently trying to pick. We have the banana dispute, the chip conflict, the what she's allowed to do after school skirmish, the plastic lunchbox debacle, and a lot of other issues that seem small time.
If you try to nit-pick too many things with certain kids, it gets overwhelming for them. Yes, maybe you could handle it when you were her age. Maybe your other kids could too. But kids are different. This one may get frustrated more easily.
I would drop the battles over some other stuff so I had more resources to fight the most important one. So if that is getting communication to and from school going, great. That means you drop the controlling what she snacks on business and lighten up on her schedule at home and give her a brown paper bag or a disposable bag from the store and quit packing bananas without saying anything about it if they're winding up uneaten and unloved in the book bag.
On any one of these issues alone, you are not "wrong" but the combination of all of them together is creating a scenario where your daughter seems to be overwhelmed and seems to be acting out as a result of being too tightly controlled for being a preteen. IMHO.
And sometimes it's not that it's overwhelming exactly but the kid will become more and more passive-aggressive in his or her behavior. Then it's time to change your tactics. A child with passive-aggressive tendencies can be quite difficult to discipline. They can tune you out completely and even get a kick out of pushing your buttons. They can make themselves almost immune to not just negative reinforcement but also positive reinforcement.
What works on other kids won't work on kids with passive-aggressive tendencies. Some kids strive to please parents, teachers and others, but some kids' motivations come from within, they can't be manipulated or coaxed the same way other kids can be. When certain methods of discipline don't work, it's time to step back and take a whole different approach.
Eight more pages of this non-conflict I couldn't bring myself to wade though and the last reply concerns whether of not it is legal to spank your child.
Yep, you can still beat them.
Has it been said yet that every person has his role and not all are equal? The child in question does not have the genetics of the others which may be the root of your concerns.
How are two siblings 19 years apart? You are kind of old to be raising kids so young.
Who are you to be determining how old someone should be to raise a child? I was 52 y.o. just getting into my second marriage when my wife came home and said " I'm pregnant" My son(now in college) was a leader in H.S. sports with plenty of parental support. While the OP and I don't agree on the problem or how to handle it let me assure you age has nothing to do with it.
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I was 52 y.o. just getting into my second marriage when my wife came home and said " I'm pregnant" My son(now in college) was a leader in H.S. sports with plenty of parental support. While the OP and I don't agree on the problem or how to handle it let me assure you age has nothing to do with it.
