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Thank you. I was feeling very alone here. As I said before, when did the default setting for men become predator?
It never did...or has.....only for those grown men who insist on conversing with children on the internet, without the parents knowledge...I have two sons, and they've never felt they were being judged as a "predator", course they've never given any reasons for a parent to feel suspicious or concerned, their relationships are with women, not adolescent girls.
Re: the bolded.......we have something in common then. I felt it odd that you chose to type something so common sense! I'd expect any child to use the mouth they were given to communicate, EVER!! perhaps naive is an appropriate term to use, for yourself
Since I received a rep stating this post was not understood......
I felt it odd that the poster who responded would state that children find themselves in situations where they have to communicate to someone other than their parents; "teachers, coaches, parents who volunteer" etc. My point was this is common sense and not worth typing! Of course children will have situations where they must talk to adults other than their parents....they have mouths for this purpose, to speak The Op is about a teacher communicating with a 15 year old child after hours of instruction, unbeknowngst to the parent, via social media, which I take issue with! The person who believes that any parent believes they can control any and all situations of conversation between a child an an adult, that person himself is naive. Done.
It never did...or has.....only for those grown men who insist on conversing with children on the internet, without the parents knowledge...I have two sons, and they've never felt they were being judged as a "predator", course they've never given any reasons for a parent to feel suspicious or concerned, their relationships are with women, not adolescent girls.
Since I received a rep stating this post was not understood......
I felt it odd that the poster who responded would state that children find themselves in situations where they have to communicate to someone other than their parents; "teachers, coaches, parents who volunteer" etc. My point was this is common sense and not worth typing! Of course children will have situations where they must talk to adults other than their parents....they have mouths for this purpose, to speak The Op is about a teacher communicating with a 15 year old child after hours of instruction, unbeknowngst to the parent, via social media, which I take issue with! The person who believes that any parent believes they can control any and all situations of conversation between a child an an adult, that person himself is naive. Done.
Sure, but you wrote this:
Quote:
I, a mother of two children, not a pedophile, fully aware of my own intentions as a human being, would NEVER engage in on-going conversation with a child/teen without the knowledge of their parent.
An adult conversing with a teenager (not a young child) without the express permission of the teen's parent is not really anything shocking at all, and it does not mean that the adult in question is a pedophile. Kids grow into teens and then adults, and they have relationships of varying degrees with all sorts of people. It's a normal part of growing up. You also expressed indignation that some felt that teens need mentors other than their parents. They absolutely do. A parent can't be the end-all be-all source of information on all sorts of life topics by the time their kids get to be teenagers. I remember asking teachers whom I trusted very sensitive questions and discussing my problems with them, unbeknownst to my parents. I might even stay after school to do so. Of course, this was 20 years ago and well before the advent of social media. The social media itself isn't the problem; it's just a communication device. Would it really matter if the teen in this case were talking to the instructor after karate lessons or on the phone instead of via FB? No.
If mom is uncomfortable, then she could very well approach the teacher, which is what has been suggested here. But like it or not, it's very likely that the girl will find another mentor, maybe even another male. I suggested steering her toward a woman instead. Maybe something like Big Brothers Big Sisters would be an option. Or maybe mom could have her spend time with an uncle or a trusted male friend. The number of months/years that mom will be able to dictate who the girl spends time with is getting extremely small by the time she's 15 or 16 years old, though, so IMO, the best thing to do is to watch the relationship and let the instructor know that she's aware of it, while talking to her daughter and keeping the lines of communication open.
When I was 15, we had a school psychiatrist named Dr. Ivy. He was a middle aged guy from New Jersey. Not even remotely attractive. But, he was very different from most psychiatric professionals I'd seen prior to that as a "troubled" teen...because he didn't let you BS him or yourself. He would call shenanigans on any excuses or nonsense you tried to pull and force you to face truths. Hard truths. And as a confident guy who would talk straight to us, as we sat drinking watery coffee in his office, one-on-one with the door closed...well shall we say, I know for a FACT that I wasn't the only teenage girl who started to feel a weird and poorly defined sort of longing for this guy. The problem is, at that age with Daddy issues and all...you can't sort out those feelings. You respect him, he's like a father figure, and you just want to grab a hold of that and wallow in it...and sometimes it gets all mixed up with your excessively hormonal self and suddenly you have a completely irrational and totally inappropriate infatuation on your hands.
Don't think for even one second he didn't know it.
But ya know...it wasn't an issue. Because he ignored it. Brushed off any hint of it with his brusque Jersey talking ways. This guy could be alone in a room with a teenage girl while she spills her most intimate secrets, knowing full well she's so mixed up she'd jump into his arms in two seconds, hormones so thick you could probably smell 'em in the air...and pretend there was no such vibe, no such thing. Looking back, I think, for such a straight talking guy, he was a marvel of tact. How he ever pulled it off without things getting awkward, I don't know. He wasn't gay...but for the purposes of the girls in his office, he may as well have been. I know, beyond ANY shadow of a doubt, that he never ever did anything inappropriate with any of us girls who had sessions with him, I know it in my heart as a great reader of people...no doubt at all. Oh, and one summer he saw me walking and gave me a ride home. Some would say that's suspicious. But it wasn't. It was friendly and nice.
So like I said. Just because a guy is in this position...does not mean one should assume he's up to no good. But the OP is a better Mom than my Mom was. So it's good, she's being aware, and...just in case...letting this fella know she's aware. Honestly, at this point, any interactions a 15 year old girl has with guys should be monitored...those hormones ain't nothing to mess with!
OP I sincerely wish you the best of luck. I was blessed with two SONS...while they certainly present challenges, I don't envy anyone raising a daughter. But you sound like you're definitely on the right track. Watch out for this boy she "likes" that she talked about in those messages, too, huh? And hang in there...before you know it she'll be all grown up.
As a 39 yr old male I would not be comfortable with it. If a converstaion gets to a personal level and the older person (who is male) is responding and interacting on that level, I would not like that at all. Not saying anything is happening or will happen but it's not the most positive sign that he takes the time to do that. Time is precious and I know I have so many thigns going on that the last thing I would do is spend time talking with a 15 yr old. He has a job, he is taking his job out of bounds a little bit I think. It's just a job. The guy's intentions might be very innocent and fine and even admirable but I wouldn't like it.
An adult conversing with a teenager (not a young child) without the express permission of the teen's parent is not really anything shocking at all, and it does not mean that the adult in question is a pedophile. Kids grow into teens and then adults, and they have relationships of varying degrees with all sorts of people. It's a normal part of growing up. You also expressed indignation that some felt that teens need mentors other than their parents. They absolutely do. A parent can't be the end-all be-all source of information on all sorts of life topics by the time their kids get to be teenagers. I remember asking teachers whom I trusted very sensitive questions and discussing my problems with them, unbeknownst to my parents. I might even stay after school to do so. Of course, this was 20 years ago and well before the advent of social media. The social media itself isn't the problem; it's just a communication device. Would it really matter if the teen in this case were talking to the instructor after karate lessons or on the phone instead of via FB? No.
If mom is uncomfortable, then she could very well approach the teacher, which is what has been suggested here. But like it or not, it's very likely that the girl will find another mentor, maybe even another male. I suggested steering her toward a woman instead. Maybe something like Big Brothers Big Sisters would be an option. Or maybe mom could have her spend time with an uncle or a trusted male friend. The number of months/years that mom will be able to dictate who the girl spends time with is getting extremely small by the time she's 15 or 16 years old, though, so IMO, the best thing to do is to watch the relationship and let the instructor know that she's aware of it, while talking to her daughter and keeping the lines of communication open.
1. Not all adults are pedophiles! no shocker there. My point was I'm not a predator and, hopefully, do not fit the bill of a person a parent should be "concerned" about if their teen were to have on-going communication with me but I myself would not do it. I believe it is inappropriate and you are fine to disagree.
2. your stating that teens grow into adults and have varying relationships is another point that i find odd you feel the need to mention. It's common......sense. There is middle ground between expecting our children to be mute and the situation that the op describes.
3. You feel kids need mentors, and apparently you have no problem with your childs mentor being a person such as the op describes, in a similar situation!?? great! I don't agree.
4. I mentioned "social media" because it was the means that the conversation occurred been child and teacher per the op. So your question about whether or not it makes a difference which device is used? well, you answered the question....
When I was 15, we had a school psychiatrist named Dr. Ivy. He was a middle aged guy from New Jersey. Not even remotely attractive. But, he was very different from most psychiatric professionals I'd seen prior to that as a "troubled" teen...because he didn't let you BS him or yourself. He would call shenanigans on any excuses or nonsense you tried to pull and force you to face truths. Hard truths. And as a confident guy who would talk straight to us, as we sat drinking watery coffee in his office, one-on-one with the door closed...well shall we say, I know for a FACT that I wasn't the only teenage girl who started to feel a weird and poorly defined sort of longing for this guy. The problem is, at that age with Daddy issues and all...you can't sort out those feelings. You respect him, he's like a father figure, and you just want to grab a hold of that and wallow in it...and sometimes it gets all mixed up with your excessively hormonal self and suddenly you have a completely irrational and totally inappropriate infatuation on your hands.
Don't think for even one second he didn't know it.
But ya know...it wasn't an issue. Because he ignored it. Brushed off any hint of it with his brusque Jersey talking ways. This guy could be alone in a room with a teenage girl while she spills her most intimate secrets, knowing full well she's so mixed up she'd jump into his arms in two seconds, hormones so thick you could probably smell 'em in the air...and pretend there was no such vibe, no such thing. Looking back, I think, for such a straight talking guy, he was a marvel of tact. How he ever pulled it off without things getting awkward, I don't know. He wasn't gay...but for the purposes of the girls in his office, he may as well have been. I know, beyond ANY shadow of a doubt, that he never ever did anything inappropriate with any of us girls who had sessions with him, I know it in my heart as a great reader of people...no doubt at all. Oh, and one summer he saw me walking and gave me a ride home. Some would say that's suspicious. But it wasn't. It was friendly and nice.
So like I said. Just because a guy is in this position...does not mean one should assume he's up to no good. But the OP is a better Mom than my Mom was. So it's good, she's being aware, and...just in case...letting this fella know she's aware. Honestly, at this point, any interactions a 15 year old girl has with guys should be monitored...those hormones ain't nothing to mess with!
OP I sincerely wish you the best of luck. I was blessed with two SONS...while they certainly present challenges, I don't envy anyone raising a daughter. But you sound like you're definitely on the right track. Watch out for this boy she "likes" that she talked about in those messages, too, huh? And hang in there...before you know it she'll be all grown up.
Well said! Nice to hear that there are men in the world that are simply good-hearted. I believe most men would never do something inappropriate with a teenage girl...but I am also realistic enough to know that there have been enough bad apples of the male gender to make most people suspicious of any contact between a grown man and a minor girl. It's too bad...our teens need more wholesome mentors.
But it still feel bit uneasy because of the age difference and of course the fact that this man is older than her and a decent looking man.
Listen to your gut. Normal well adjusted 30 yr old men do not make friends with 15 yr old girls. They coach them, say hi to them on the street, converse with their parents etc. but they do not make time to have on-line relationships and chat them up. Nip it in the bud and let him move on. Your daughter is probably a willing participant in this flirtation but she is too young to know what she is getting her self into. Even if he goes through you I still don't think you should let it happen. Jerry Sandusky is a prime example of a case when the parents knew the guy. He was older, respected member of the community and the same sex. Yet he still got boys to sleep with him, shower with him and have sex with him. And these boys weren't even interested in him.
Listen to your gut. Normal well adjusted 30 yr old men do not make friends with 15 yr old girls. They coach them, say hi to them on the street, converse with their parents etc. but they do not make time to have on-line relationships and chat them up. Nip it in the bud and let him move on. Your daughter is probably a willing participant in this flirtation but she is too young to know what she is getting her self into. Even if he goes through you I still don't think you should let it happen. Jerry Sandusky is a prime example of a case when the parents knew the guy. He was older, respected member of the community and the same sex. Yet he still got boys to sleep with him, shower with him and have sex with him. And these boys weren't even interested in him.
Flirtation? The man is doing no flirting. The OP even said the daughter is talking to him about BOYS SHE LIKES.
We have a personal trainer in my hometown exactly like this guy. All the young girld are always messaging on his fb wall. Allll the time. When they go away to college they come back and train with him. Hes like the elite trainer for all the elite athletes in the area that go above and beyond. From 12-20 years old, boys and girls.
Hes the nicest guy ever and zero doubt he is some perv. Hes a really great guy and we have tons of mutual friends.
We need to get away from all this constant assuming that people are pervs. Its really degrading and false accusations or assumptions can start rumors and damage someone's career.
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The Op is about a teacher communicating with a 15 year old child after hours of instruction, unbeknowngst to the parent, via social media, which I take issue with! The person who believes that any parent believes they can control any and all situations of conversation between a child an an adult, that person himself is naive. Done.
