Kid talking with older people? (15 years old, mature, mother, behavior)
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^^ If you are raising boys, you should take a look at the book I linked to. Males have a propensity for aggression. But aggression need not be channeled to violence. Aggression as an equivalence to violence is a cultural thing.
Oy vey! Of course it need not be chained to violence. My point is that it is many more men than women who are violent and predatory, and that it is that. Go ahead and suggest all the books you want to all the people who are raising people poorly. But be realistic and know that men are more predatory and that it is more likely that a young girl will be taken advantage of than a yougn boy. Hello.
Moderator Cut
Last edited by Jaded; 07-19-2013 at 05:57 PM..
Reason: Flaming
And while you're talking about gender characteristics, there are some basic laws of physics to also take into account.
I have seen more 15-16 year old boys who were PHYSICALLY capable of forcing themselves on even significantly older females, simply by virtue of body size and strength. Males, of any age past their full physical growth, are usually...not always, but usually...more capable of acts of forcible physical aggression than females are against them.
HOWEVER. What happens when you are raising a nice boy, teaching them to respect women, not to hit females, etc. And they start getting bullied by a female. It happens. In fact there's a particular middle school age range where it happens pretty often. The girls shoot up and leave the boys behind there for a couple of years. My son was bullied by a girl, and he just dealt with it. He told me about it later, he didn't want to tell on her because he thought that would just escalate the nonsense...he sure wasn't going to hit her back...he didn't really know what he was supposed to do, and he didn't ask my advice. (I have to pry things out of him, he's just kind of a play-it-close-to-the-vest kind of kid.)
But ya know what...? We're deviating pretty far from the original topic here...I'm just saying...
OP: Moderator Cut PLEASE post after you talk to the instructor or whatever happens, because we are hoping for the best, and sincerely...best wishes to you and your family. I hope this doesn't turn out to be anything bad, but I salute your concern and desire to do well as a Mom.
Last edited by Jaded; 07-19-2013 at 06:01 PM..
Reason: Discussing moderator actions
Okay folks, discuss the topic of this thread, or start a new one about gender and violence. But NOT under Parenting, perhaps Psychology or Philosophy. Thanks for understanding.
I constantly read news articles about coaches being charged with inappropriate actions with their young students/athletes. I know in our school district coaches are not permitted to have any outside contact with their kids. Seems like some folks here are encouraging you to be nice. Not me I would be up in this guy's face and maybe pulling my daughter from his class.
Just from the info in the OP, I'd be a tad creeped out.
But to say more I'd have to know the guy (I can read people very well). At my high school I knew a male swim coach and a male band teacher who were great guys that lots of girls and even some guys had added on facebook to just discuss school life and drama with.
That being said, most teachers/coaches I know have a policy not to add people on FB until they have graduated and have no siblings still in school. =/
I say keep an eye on it, perhaps message the guy like a few other people suggested. It's a bit awkward but a good idea. This could be nothing, or it could be a nightmare like something out of a lifetime movie with the creeper instructor grooming a young pupil. >.>
Want to briefly and specifically touch on the point that folks were saying this instructor's contact should be limited to the class, or limited to topics relevent to the class when communicating with the daughter.
Martial arts, more so perhaps than other kinds of activities, is often a whole-life philosophical pursuit. My sons' martial arts instructor had them report on their grades in school, had parents report on respectful behavior (or lack thereof) at home, and so forth. He felt that guiding them to be respectful to elders and teaching philosophies linked with certain Eastern schools of thought all helped form the entire discipline...it is much more than just punches, blocks and kicks. It's not like gymnastics plus self defense. In almost any situation their instructor would have been glad to guide them with words of wisdom as best as he could.
That is a huge reason why I am reluctant to jump to conclusions here and wanted OP to maybe feel out the situation and not freak out too much right away. I think you have a convo in person with the fella and gauge his reaction and THEN follow your instincts from there. Hopefully it's nothing to worry about.
While the overwhelming majority of men are not pedophiles, the truth is that pedophiles seek out roles where they will have regular contact with children (school, scouts, camp counselor, etc). They do this because this provides them with a hunting ground for vulnerable victims. They then subtly begin grooming them, and this usually begins with innocuous conversation.
A man who's sexually attracted to a 15 yo girl is not a pedophile, just a heterosexual.
Pedophiles like sexually immature children, before they develop adult characteristics.
As a guy in my early 30s and somebody who has substitute taught high schoolers a bunch, we're not allowed to add kids on Facebook (a brave few have tried and I've declined them.) So it's not good policy that this martial arts instructor is doing this, both for his sake and for your daughter's sake.
On the other hand, when you interact with kids and teenagers on a regular basis, you do get to know them.
If it were a complete stranger to you, that would be a red flag. However being that this is her martial arts instructor, he is in a mentor position to begin with. Unless you have suspicions that some other reasoning is behind him talking to her, I would say he is just being a good mentor. From what you have said I might check in every once in a while, but it doesn't seem like theres anything to worry about.
And most sexual molestation/abuse of children is done by a person who is known to the victim and not a stranger.
I'm not saying this is what's happening, but I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable with my 15 year old daughter having regular, personal conversations with a 20, 30 year old MAN.
As a guy in my early 30s and somebody who has substitute taught high schoolers a bunch, we're not allowed to add kids on Facebook (a brave few have tried and I've declined them.) So it's not good policy that this martial arts instructor is doing this, both for his sake and for your daughter's sake.
On the other hand, when you interact with kids and teenagers on a regular basis, you do get to know them.
Totally agree. There is NO reason whatsoever for a "late 20s/early 30s year old MAN" to be messaging back and forth with a 15 year old child.
The OP states: She would ask him a lot of questions about Buddhist, talk about guys she like, ask him for advice on how to take care of injures, about places he have been to, and other things.
It don't seems like anything more is going on beside them just having a conversation. But I have to admit I'm a bit worried.
The instructor is in late 20s or early 30s and a good looking fit man. He often work with my daughter and other people in the gym. My daughter seems to be really into him and always trying hard to impress him.
As far as what I see, I don't really see the instructor doing anything to be alarmed about. However the fact them talking a lot on facebook is somewhat worrying me.
I can just picture this MAN letting this 15 year old CHILD know how "sophisticated" and "mature" she is and how he's impressed that she's interested in Buddism and how to deal with her injuries, etc. He could easily take advantage of the naivity of a 15 year old girl.
The fact that the daughter is "trying hard to impress him" is scary. She doesn't understand what she could possibly getting herself into.
To the OP: I would tell my daughter no more messaging with this guy on FB. I would ask around to other parents of similarly aged girls BEFORE talking to the teacher. Find out if this guy is a potential danger to the other kids. DON'T TIP HIM OFF by going to him first. I would speak privately to every other mother of a teen girl in that school and find out what's going on first.
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I constantly read news articles about coaches being charged with inappropriate actions with their young students/athletes. I know in our school district coaches are not permitted to have any outside contact with their kids. Seems like some folks here are encouraging you to be nice. Not me I would be up in this guy's face and maybe pulling my daughter from his class.
