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Oh. I get that. That is not something like empathy? The word "validating" has the root valid which means-ish right. It sounds like asserting rightness.
But if it means what you say that I can see the value in that. I can strongly agree that that is valuable.
Yes ma'am, very much akin to empathy. I think it is one of those terms that means different things depending on who is using it. I think of validation as looking for the kernel of truth in someone's experience even (or especially) when I completely disagree with how they are feeling, thinking or behaving.
My two older daughters sound like they are similar to the OP's daughters--except my kids are younger, and things are turning out better for us. There is a large academic gap between my girls. My older daughter knows her younger sister is bright, and sometimes it bothers her. Our older daughter also has been prone to outbursts at times. They seem to be lessening with age though.
There are number of things that have helped. The first really was my coming to terms with the fact that my older daughter would not have the same easy road in school that I did. Since academic achievement is so highly praised, it may be harder to truly accept this than you want to admit. If you--for example--could not openly tell another parent that your daughter received a "C" in math (or some other major subject) without being somewhat embarrassed or acting like there is something wrong with your child, you have not fully accepted her or traveled this road.
Secondly, we worked really hard to find an area where our older daughter excels. It turns out she is very good at music. She has actually made a lot of academic progress since she discovered a talent elsewhere. She gets legitimate praise for her music talent, and this makes a big difference.
The third is our parent reaction to both our daughters. We don't go around bragging about our middle daughter's academic achievement or our older daughter's music ability. We are somewhat matter-of-fact about things. We congratulate them when it is warranted, but we give about equal praise for all three of our kids.
One other thing has been academic testing--which I know the OP looked down upon in another forum. We had academic testing for our older daughter and knowing her IQ (along with other "ability" information) actually has been helpful at times. Her IQ is in the high average range, so if she ever says she is "stupid," we can tell her legitimately she is just as smart as the large majority of her friends. Our middle daughter even pointed that out to her sister once (in general terms--neither of them know IQ numbers), which actually turned out to be a bit of a sweet gesture. In so many words, she basically told her sister she is fine, and she doesn't need to worry. At the core of some of my older daughter's statements is often worry. She worries that she is not smart enough. I think it is important as a parent to reassure your child that she really has something valuable to offer the world and that you as a parent recognize that.
What was the result of Ivory dismissing her daughter's concern over the calculator? Let's see..... A big drama ensued. A drama that IMO has nothing to do with the calculator and everything to do with her daughter feeling time after time that her sister is the favored golden child. It really doesn't matter if that's true or not. Her perception of things is reality to her.
Appeasing her would be bowing to her drama if she had to surrender the calculator. Validating her would have been to consider her concern and attempting to find another solution. Sure DD could go without the calculator for a few hours. But, it seems to me that in dealing with a kid who feels inferior and "left out" (Ivory's words) of her family, erring on the side of making sure she feels heard and valued is not a bad thing. Perhaps if Ivory had said " Wow! I'm impressed you're thinking ahead about studying for exams. I'll find another calculator for your sister to use", she could have sent a positive message to her daughter.
Yes! And it would have not allowed her dd any opportunity to make excuses over not being able to use her calculator to study. It would put the responsibility to study squarely on her dd's shoulders.
I agree with the other posters about the importance of validation. "I hear you, you're upset because we can't get the breed of dog you asked for because our yard is too small. We can however think of a smaller breed. Let's do some research." I bet this would have averted the puppy tantrum instead of just saying, "no we can't get the dog you want" and watching the drama unfold. Validating your dd will also teach her to learn how to speak to others appropriately.
You're assuming DD needs to feel understood/valued, but it could very well be that she wants to be bratty/selfish at that moment. What you're suggesting actually is appeasing her.
I'm sure the girl could've gone without it for a few hours... and the calculator doesn't belong to her, it belongs to her mother. I'm sure it would've been returned to her.
I live with her. It's not about being validated. It's about drama. It's finding a way to claim the world is UNFAIR.
And the calculator was returned before she even got out of bed...Yet we've heard about how she COULDN'T study for her finals. She claimed that the reason she slept until 1:00 is she knew she couldn't study. Only she always sleeps until noon on Saturday. Oh the drama...
I have told dd#2 she does not get to turn into a drama queen. One per household thank you.
Actually, things are pretty peaceful today. After she had to pay for the remote for the TV and lost her phone, ipod and tablet for the week she's decided we're not so bad. Funny how having no one else to talk to makes your family look better. She's been downright polite today. She even washed the car.
What was the result of Ivory dismissing her daughter's concern over the calculator? Let's see..... A big drama ensued. A drama that IMO has nothing to do with the calculator and everything to do with her daughter feeling time after time that her sister is the favored golden child. It really doesn't matter if that's true or not. Her perception of things is reality to her.
Appeasing her would be bowing to her drama if she had to surrender the calculator. Validating her would have been to consider her concern and attempting to find another solution. Sure DD could go without the calculator for a few hours. But, it seems to me that in dealing with a kid who feels inferior and "left out" (Ivory's words) of her family, erring on the side of making sure she feels heard and valued is not a bad thing. Perhaps if Ivory had said " Wow! I'm impressed you're thinking ahead about studying for exams. I'll find another calculator for your sister to use", she could have sent a positive message to her daughter.
Seriously???? Do you know how much TI-84's cost? I'm just supposed to find another one for dd#2 to use because dd#1 wants to get her nose out of joint over her sister using MY calculator for her ACT? Sorry, dd#1 could have used the calculator I use to calculate grades. She wasn't taking the ACT. Even with the calculator, dd#2 said there were 6 problems she couldn't do (she needed to review trig and just had no time).
What you are suggesting is I appease dd#1. Please read my posts. We've been doing that. It doesn't work. It just empowers dd#1 to continue the way she's going. It's enabling and it needs to stop. I'm sure there will be a few outbursts over her being told to suck it up but, hopefully, she'll get the message. Caving to her tantrums is poor advice. I admit I've done too much of that trying to keep peace. It is not helping.
Seriously???? Do you know how much TI-84's cost? I'm just supposed to find another one for dd#2 to use because dd#1 wants to get her nose out of joint over her sister using MY calculator for her ACT? Sorry, dd#1 could have used the calculator I use to calculate grades. She wasn't taking the ACT. Even with the calculator, dd#2 said there were 6 problems she couldn't do (she needed to review trig and just had no time).
What you are suggesting is I appease dd#1. Please read my posts. We've been doing that. It doesn't work. It just empowers dd#1 to continue the way she's going. It's enabling and it needs to stop. I'm sure there will be a few outbursts over her being told to suck it up but, hopefully, she'll get the message. Caving to her tantrums is poor advice. I admit I've done too much of that trying to keep peace. It is not helping.
Don't they use graphing calculators on computer yet?
Seriously???? Do you know how much TI-84's cost? I'm just supposed to find another one for dd#2 to use because dd#1 wants to get her nose out of joint over her sister using MY calculator for her ACT? Sorry, dd#1 could have used the calculator I use to calculate grades. She wasn't taking the ACT. Even with the calculator, dd#2 said there were 6 problems she couldn't do (she needed to review trig and just had no time).
What you are suggesting is I appease dd#1. Please read my posts. We've been doing that. It doesn't work. It just empowers dd#1 to continue the way she's going. It's enabling and it needs to stop. I'm sure there will be a few outbursts over her being told to suck it up but, hopefully, she'll get the message. Caving to her tantrums is poor advice. I admit I've done too much of that trying to keep peace. It is not helping.
Please read my posts! I didn't say anything about buying. I said BORROW.
And quite frankly, you're the one who asked strangers on the Internet how to handle the situation. IF you're so damn sure you are RIGHT , why ask?
Certainly doesn't make one want to try to be helpful. I can totally see how hearing what people are saying is damned hard. Damned hard. But life is damned hard sometimes, isn't it?
Yes. Yes it is.
And there's one thing harder than hearing what people are saying: It's admitting that they may be right and that you have, in fact, made mistakes. That's very hard. But it's also a very important thing to be able to do.
Welcome to wearing grown-up pants and taking responsibility!
Have you considered having her tested for autism, because that too might be a possibility?
Never mind. TMI and we know where that goes...
Autism has never been suggested.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-10-2012 at 06:53 PM..
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Oh the drama...
