Parents.. Are You TOTALLY Honest (party, grandma, friends, mother)

[kahncss]

I don't consider myself being dishonest w/ my child, I just chose not to tell her some things from my past. There are some things I did that I really regretted and was ashamed of. As a Christian, I asked forgiveness and have been forgiven. I have blocked those sins out and don't feel they need to be brought up again.

Originally Posted by ADVentive

It's easy for me. I was such a goody-goody! I never skipped class, never had detention, never even tried smoking, drinking, or drugs of any kind, never snuck out, never got bad grades, etc. I got busted for things like not cleaning the cat litter by 6pm, or taking more candies than I was allowed after dinner. The worst thing I did was I did let my boyfriend come into the house when my parents weren't home, and I did get grounded for a month for that. Of course, you know what we were doing? Practicing our band lesson... My parents thought I was tough because I talked back and argued with them.

You sound like a dream child.

Originally Posted by ADVentive

Yah, I think you may be right. When I was a kid, I had a very black and white perspective about "good kids and bad kids" and I knew where I stood on that list. I hope that as a parent, I won't freak out if my kids aren't 100% "good" all the time. It doesn't really come up yet since they are so little still, but some day I will have two teen girls on my hands! But I am glad that I have nothing to lie about, because lying is very hard for me. I have a really hard time with the whole Santa thing already!

Santa to me was no different than reading a fairy tale to my child. He was magical, and real in a way yet knowing he wasn't. It all comes down to teaching the difference between pretend and the real thing.

[Mr. Humble]

Originally Posted by purehuman

Oh yeh, I've done some very naughty things in my day, but if the subjects come up, I am totally honest with my kids...I think it's better for your kids to know that you've made mistakes and done stupid things in your life, than to pretend you haven't....it also makes them feel more at ease to tell you mistakes or things they've done, and gives you the chance to help them overcome them, or help them feel that they are not the only ones who've scr@@ed up.

Yeah, it would be a pretty lonely feeling to think that you're uniquely off. I never had to worry about that since evidence to the contrary was all around me. Last thing I think any of us want to do as parents is add to our kids' pain. It's funny that the recurring theme in this thread seems to be how we were much worse than our kids are. The times are either that much more sterile or there is a very interesting demographic here on CD. Only hope it's the latter. A third possibility might be that our kids are just as secretive with us as we are with them. Probably their reasoning is much the same: 'What good could it possibly do them (us) to know?!'

[max's mama]

Originally Posted by Mr. Humble

Yeah, our WAR stories can come in handy. I agree with you that full disclosure over time will bring us closer to our kids. Do you think that there will EVER come a time when you can tell them everything? Now, I know that everything for some may be a lot more hazardous than everything for another. I wasn't the worst, but I was definitely, um, eh busy.. Plus the times have changed. About ten years ago I looked around and asked myself, 'Where the hell did all these perfect people come from?'

I don't think I could ever tell my son everything....

[Mikey likes]

To whom ever left this as a reputation comment;

you should listen to your wife, without realizing it you are stupidly giving your kids an unconscious permission to do the things you did - I know you think you will stop them by telling them, but it doesn't work that way

The way I see it, plenty parents shy away from telling their children the truth about who they were as children/teens and where has that gotten them? Are their children any better off knowing their parents were saints to only find out later that not only were their parents not saints but liars too? (I teach by modeling)
So many judgmental people toss the idea of not informing their kids of the real dangers in life because they, the parents, are simply too proud to be seen as anything less then perfect. My child will know that excessive drinking makes you look like an idiot (not to mention its dangerous) because I drank too much in my teens and I was an idiot. She will know that I have learned this from experience and that I'm not talking out of my butt as a self-righteous know it all. I do not expect my child will be a saint because I hid the truth, I expect my child to know she can come to me if she has question and wants real honest answers from someone what has experienced these things and not her inexperienced friends who say “nah, go ahead and do it, nothing will happen”.

There is already a huge shield of ambiguity on City Data forum; the least you could do is toss this up on the thread for discussion. (Maybe you where protecting your saint status)

[Mikey likes]

Originally Posted by Mr. Humble

Nice, thank you for this. But are there any things that you WON'T tell them about?

I will answer any question honestly. If I think my child may be in danger I'll toss the input out their. I'm her father, she loves me for who I am not who I should be.
I don't frown on my wife or others for choosing not to "spill the beans" about who she was as a teen but I chose a different path.
I have a happy kid (11 year old), she knows we love her and she knows she can talk to us without judgment. I pray it will stay this way and I'm not going to change my job as a parent because I might look bad.
My wife is quite surprised about how much our daughter confides in me, my daughter trust me, as she should.

[Mr. Humble]

Originally Posted by Mikey likes

I will answer any question honestly. If I think my child may be in danger I'll toss the input out their. I'm her father, she loves me for who I am not who I should be.
I don't frown on my wife or others for choosing not to "spill the beans" about who she was as a teen but I chose a different path.
I have a happy kid (11 year old), she knows we love her and she knows she can talk to us without judgment. I pray it will stay this way and I'm not going to change my job as a parent because I might look bad.
My wife is quite surprised about how much our daughter confides in me, my daughter trust me, as she should.

I'm pretty impressed with the relationship you have with your daughter, Mike. I think I have a good one with mine as well. I'll be honest with YOU and tell you that I don't tell her everything. Maybe I have more skeletons in my closet or maybe you're just more courageous than I am. Also, I'd like to say that maybe one size does not fit all in this type of thing. Maybe as your anonymous rep person maintains, there may be some kids that will see your admissions as an excuse for them to misbehave. A new twist on the saying that, "Knowledge is power!"

[DubbleT]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

That would be a foolhardy thing to do as long as they are still kids.

There are many things your kids should not know about you until they are well into adulthood themselves.

Now you have me curious, what sort of things do most people think children shouldn't know about their parents until adulthood? Crazy sexual escapades, heavy drug use, criminal charges?

I've always been pretty open with my kids, but then I was not exactly a wild child either. A little drinking, a few experimental drugs, sex, nothing really outrageous. But I never had any problem telling my kids about the stupid things I did do, so they know I'm not a saint either. I always wanted my kids to know I was somebody who struggled and made stupid mistakes while growing up, like them, and that it was normal to do so.
I don't know every last detail about my kids lives and they don't know every last detail about mine, but for the most part everything is honest and open for discussion, and it has worked for us.

[Mikey likes]

Originally Posted by Mr. Humble

I'm pretty impressed with the relationship you have with your daughter, Mike. I think I have a good one with mine as well. I'll be honest with YOU and tell you that I don't tell her everything. Maybe I have more skeletons in my closet or maybe you're just more courageous than I am. Also, I'd like to say that maybe one size does not fit all. Maybe as your anonymous rep person maintains, there may be some kids that will see your admissions as an excuse for them to misbehave. A new twist on the saying that, "Knowledge is power!"

I can see that as a possibility, some kids look for excuses to act out. This is my second chance at raising a child. My first wife had a child before we married and I was her child’s father figure from 3yrs till 16yrs. We did the "not telling" thing, the "you better not!" and the "you'll be punished", she only tried harder to get away with them. The more we rose up to assert authority the more we met with rebellion.
Now, I think the key quality that has made the difference is, my wife and I have always followed through with consequences. We don’t threaten, we do.
As a kid (10years old to 20 years old) I was a thief, drinker, drug abuser, vandal, liar or just a flat out disrespectful little bastard. I'm not proud to say these things especially to my child but hiding it never did any good. It left me feeling like I had a dark cloud over my head. So now, I see those horrible qualities I had as a kid as tools to be a good parent. I know I was a bad kid and I know why. Who better to empathize with bad behaviors then someone who had them too?
All kids are different and so far, what I’m doing is working.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by Mr. Humble

with your kids, as far as what you did when you were their age(s)?

Hell, no. I made some seriously stupid decisions.

The great thing about being a grown-up is that you acquire wisdom through your own mistakes and observing the mistakes of others.

I think the big mistake people make when raising kids is thinking that they are supposed to be the child's friend. Wrong. They are supposed to be the child's teacher and deliver that child to cusp of adulthood in good shape, able to function as a normal, independent human being.

Blabbing the past details of my life would be like giving them carte blanche to do whatever they hell they wanted. All they would have to say is, "But YOU did it when you were that age...." Later on, when they are safely into responsible adulthood, I can tell them some of the stupid things Dad did. But not now.

[txtqueen]

Originally Posted by Mikey likes

I am, my wife thinks I'm crazy but I think it helps them to know that you DO know what you are talking about when you say, "don't ______ because it hurt me when I was your age". Besides, if I cannot be honest with them I can't expect them to be honest with me.
I think I get a bit more respect from my child because of it, honesty.

Have fun with that theory it works in SOME but not all cases.

My mom has told me about how she's gone to concerts and been slipped drugs, tried cigarettes that had the tip dipped in cocaine, had sex when she was 17, smoked cigarettes, all the crazy stuff she has done.

But I cannot be honest with her and divulge what I have done in my mid to late teens and now early 20's. Which include fooling around with a much older guy, smoking weed, currently smoking cigarettes, I don't drink a lot but I drink more than she thinks, my current sex life.

I think its great that you are so open and honest with your kids but you have nothing to lose being open and honest with them, they do, so when they do tell you something try not to react in a way that will make them feel bad about themselves or make them not want to tell you things out of fear of how you'll react act or the crappy things you may say.