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Bottom line: Unless I have said "What should I do?" or "What do you think?" or "Do you have any ideas?" or anything else along those lines, I do not want a sentence pointed at me starting with "You should".
Of course there are exceptions, like in anything, but generally speaking, in normal conversation be it friend, family member, acquaintance, stranger, or colleague at work, I do not want to be told how to live my life.
Definitely yes. I've stopped watching almost all TV news because I'm being instructed -- not informed.
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I tolerate these yahoos for a few minutes every morning, since my wife likes to watch them. But I never make it more than 5-10 minutes before getting annoyed and leaving for another room.
On some of their weather reports News12NJ actually shows pictures (drawings) of what you should wear. Heat wave? Tank top, shorts, flip flops. Snow coming? Hat, mittens, boots. I don't know how the forecasters keeps a straight face as they give these recommendations.
My favorites are the ones who tell me "I shouldn't" do xyz but have no suggestions for what I should do.
Then there are the ones who give me unsolicited advice and get mad when I choose not to use it.
And finally, there are those who have known me for all of 3 minutes but can tell me how I really feel, what I believe, what my opinion is, and give me a detailed life script of what I should do to get what they know I really want and need. And can't understand why I won't take their advice. *sigh*
Nobody gave me advice. Lived in cities and people are so self obsessed they just bend my ears with their problems. If My world went to hell, no problem. I dont get why so many people get others obsessed with fixing them.
Oh so funny! I just got a Christmas card from a friend I had to distance myself from years ago, because of her habit of trying to re-write me. We never officially broke up, like the more recent break up with a friend I mentioned, but our communication is few and far between.
I've actually been thinking about her this week so I wasn't surprised to receive the mailed card. In it she wrote: BE WELL AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. (hand written in caps)
You know, just in case I wasn't already doing that in the way I feel is best for me, she felt I needed to be told. She is relentless.
I suppose some of you will protest that she didn't mean it the way I am taking it, but the truth of the matter is, she does mean it that way, she is compelled to tell me how to behave and live. What she can't understand is how offensive it is to aggressively tell someone else how to live their life.
We did have the conversation about it, more than once, back when I started pulling back, but she never did understand what I was saying. So, to protect my own self, I had to greatly reduce our contact.
I mean, I get it. People want to help. People hate feeling helpless if there's nothing they can do, so they grasp at any straw to come up with a solution or say something to make someone feel better. I realized years ago that I'm better off to just say "I'm sorry" or listen than try to be that one pithy person who is the one to deal out inspiration or revelation that someone needs. But sometimes it takes self-restraint when I feel bad there's nothing I can do when someone I know is hurting or going through a rough time. But I figure by doing so, I'm being more helpful to them than if I start desperately spouting anything that comes to mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
Kinda sorta, but it's nuanced. Because I'm older I've gained more life experience and knowledge, so I tend to know my own mind and need/want less advice from others, solicited or not.
And, also, the older you get, the longer you've had to contemplate your life choices and procedures, and if you haven't changed them... it's probably because you don't want to. So it's unlikely to be a novel idea to you if someone suggests you wear your hair like this rather than that-- it's very probable you've considered wearing your hair differently many times over the years and consciously decided not to.
Plus, as you get older, the more unsolicited advice you've accumulated, and sooner or later something is just going to be the last straw when you can't take any more.
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Originally Posted by tnff
Seems like the definitions of both "unsolicited" and "advice" differ across the various responses.
Yup. My mom and I used to argue about this. Me: "Stop lecturing me!" Her: "It's advice, not a lecture!" Me: "It's 'advice' if I ask for it. It's a 'lecture' if I don't want it."
On one hand, the unsolicited advice I find increasingly annoying as I age is when I am addressed as if was a child. Don't treat to me like I'm still in first grade.
One example of this is incessant reminders. First graders may need them after lunch or before recess to ensure they don't wet their pants.
For adults, incessantly being prodded is not helpful, it's a nuisance. I don't need seven emails, four text messages, and three robo calls to confirm my doctor appointment next week. Then a few more of each reminding me to bring my insurance card (as if that information is not already on file.) And make sure you arrive fifteen minutes early!
Worse, it's damaging to society. Maintaining one's own schedule is crucial to adulting. Conditioning people to rely on multiple reminders retards maturity.
Whereas I wish I didn't have to take the time to keep track of things other people at work should be doing that they can't bother to keep track of themselves, and then keep begging and hounding them to do these things... and I wish I had the option to just let them not do it, but then it'll be on me.
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Originally Posted by johnd393
Sometimes intolerance of advise is nothing more than intentional disrespect for the advise giver
Sometimes advice is nothing more than intentional (or sometimes unintentional/unconscious) disrespect for the advisee.
Our neighbors in both places are generally wise people. The only unsolicited advice I get is from a few people on C-D. So it's easy to just scroll down and ignore them silently.
I don't really care so much about unsolicited advice...I don't have to do it..but I am really over the "Be Kind" signs and stickers. I see these yard signs and bumper stickers and whatnot...my friend even had a preprinted Post It with that on it.
I don't like that it assumes that everyone is predisposed to NOT be kind.
It also comes off as a smug "I'm always kind" attitude.
I mean, I get it. People want to help. People hate feeling helpless if there's nothing they can do, so they grasp at any straw to come up with a solution or say something to make someone feel better. I realized years ago that I'm better off to just say "I'm sorry" or listen than try to be that one pithy person who is the one to deal out inspiration or revelation that someone needs. But sometimes it takes self-restraint when I feel bad there's nothing I can do when someone I know is hurting or going through a rough time. But I figure by doing so, I'm being more helpful to them than if I start desperately spouting anything that comes to mind.
And, also, the older you get, the longer you've had to contemplate your life choices and procedures, and if you haven't changed them... it's probably because you don't want to. So it's unlikely to be a novel idea to you if someone suggests you wear your hair like this rather than that-- it's very probable you've considered wearing your hair differently many times over the years and consciously decided not to.
Plus, as you get older, the more unsolicited advice you've accumulated, and sooner or later something is just going to be the last straw when you can't take any more.
Yup. My mom and I used to argue about this. Me: "Stop lecturing me!" Her: "It's advice, not a lecture!" Me: "It's 'advice' if I ask for it. It's a 'lecture' if I don't want it."
Whereas I wish I didn't have to take the time to keep track of things other people at work should be doing that they can't bother to keep track of themselves, and then keep begging and hounding them to do these things... and I wish I had the option to just let them not do it, but then it'll be on me.
Sometimes advice is nothing more than intentional (or sometimes unintentional/unconscious) disrespect for the advisee.
Bolded 1- But for some people, they do it even when there isn't anything wrong! They simply can't stand it, that you might think differently from them, and they must force their will onto yours. The hairstyle thing is a good example. I have a..not really a friend...her husband is more my friend than she is, but I remember one time she took offense that I use a different grocery store than she does and tried to convince me how wrong I was to use the other store. She actually took offense when I balked! And not too long after that we had an identical discussion about where I was going for endocrinology! It was a personal affront to her, that I was using someone else, and refused to switch when she told me to. Bizarre.
Bolded 2- I think all superheros wear their underpants over their clothes, not just that one. And yesterday the mail carrier was! I kid you not, she had on some kind of leggings with bright green stretchy briefs over them. It was so funny.
Bolded-3 That must be universal. I have that too. Much of my job depends on other people doing their part first, before it lands at my desk. There's this strange apathy, they just don't care. I have a work ethic and a need to perform adequately and on time. I feel like I am the only one. It's become a struggle to care at all, at work, but something in me won't let my work slide, as everyone else apparently does. I'll tell you one thing though, since I have to go back to the source so often on stuff, I don't go the extra as often. I just don't have the energy to do it.
As we get older, we really DO get wiser, and we've been through a lot of different situations and experiences. So I doubt anyone could give me any useful advice at this point about certain issues because I've already been through them. It's ludicrous that people who never went through something (which I did) can try to give me advice. The other ludicrous thing is that invariably, people who try to give advice seem to be messed up themselves. I don't know if their efforts to give advice is a way of feeling better about themselves? If you haven't experienced something yourself or at least researched the issue thoroughly, what makes you think you should be giving advice about it?
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