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I can understand the $10 and sending a text reminder...but when that has ever happened to me, I just buy the first round in the bar/club/music venue, etc and it evens out within the first 10 minutes in the door.
The more questionable approach is the gas money and itemized snack receipts. If I'm headed to a friends' house and I'm stopping to grab some snacks and they ask me to grab them something, I don't even think about repayment - especially for $5 or less...of course there are caveats, like a case of beer and a steak or something that costs a lot more than pop tarts.
The gas money request is the worst. If you didn't ride with her, was she not going to go? Just seems petty to ask for gas money for a place you were already going. Unless it's an out of town trip that's 50+ miles out, I would not expect people to cough up gas money....but trips are usually more planned and to split gas would be a lot more normal..
But in society (cheap/broke high school and college students excluded), there's a certain unwritten rule, that you just have a certain 'trust' in people to pay you back small amounts. And that if they don't pay you back after 5 times of lending them that $10 ever, it's not a big deal because it was only a smaller amount of $, and you don't lend them $ again.
That's why when you ask a co-worker for $10 for lunch, it's normal.
I can understand the $10 and sending a text reminder...but when that has ever happened to me, I just buy the first round in the bar/club/music venue, etc and it evens out within the first 10 minutes in the door.
Bottom line, you want to hang with her. Carry some cash against instances like you describe. As you found out, an ATM is not always available or operational. Imagine you're somewhere with no one to help you out with some cash and, as you found out, a card doesn't help anyway.
Daisy, you come from a background with very little money. You're not exactly making bank these days either so your casualness about $10 is interesting. While I appreciate the friend dynamic of paying and paying back with a like "service" or being more casual about it (that's the way I operate with a couple of friends but we have a long history), you haven't know this girl that long. Whether she's "weird about money" or "cheap" doesn't really matter if you want to go out with her. The gas thing seems over the top but we don't know your real details.
As others have pointed out, she has probably either been burned in the past or has a tighter budget than you believe.
Ask yourself why it's impossible for you to get some cash to carry? Are you afraid you're more likely to spend the cash than to use your card to pay for something you don't really need? (Can control your spending better?) Are you afraid it will be stolen? What's the deal with never carrying a small amount? If it's so inconvenient to go get cash when you actually do need it (to pay someone back for instance), you really need to ask *yourself* some questions.
If you're willing to let her go as a friend, then don't change anything about how *you* operate.
And watch that super drunk thing. That's a recipe for disaster.
The short answer is that she is cheap. They get really stressed about money. This is not an uncommon trait and it usually has to do with how someone was raised. As long as it doesn't annoy you and it goes both ways (meaning, she's not stiffing you and at the same time giving you receipts for $2.97), I would just tolerate it if she is otherwise a cool person.
THIS! above, but "tolerate" is a light word.
I'd have a hard time being friends with someone so cheap that it's right down to the cent for trivial things like snacks. She would have to be one EXTREMELY nice person otherwise, in EVERY other way for me to continue with her being a friend I want to be with very often.
Neither I, nor my friends would EVER be like that with each other, in fact it is the opposite... we squabble over not wanting to be paid for small things.
This cheapness could be nature or nurture or a combination of both. A personality trait you can't change in other words. Get used to it, or stop right there.
Last edited by gouligann; 05-02-2018 at 12:17 PM..
OP, have you ever been the one who is driving others for free and loaning them money? I sense you haven't experienced being the "designated giver". It's super annoying when you make the same level of money as a friend only you are the bad guy because you don't want to have to cover their (small to you) expenses. I've been the giver in this situation yet I had to feel guilty and awkward for asking for my money back.
i don't have that. if she would have asked i would have gotten it and paid her back. i guess it's an app?
and to the person who asked, no I don't have a car. I don't know how to drive.
If you have the Bank of America or Wells Fargo or any major bank's app, you can send money to another person just by their phone or email now. I like it better than Venmo because most people have bank apps, not Venmo.
I don't have to many friends. I had a group of friends but a few years after hs we drifted apart and now we don't talk anymore. I am mostly a loner. I don't want to be but I have a hard time making friends even though I'm a social person. So I'm a loner but not by choice. Plus I'm in a new city, though I have been here for a while I still havent met a lot of new friends though I am dating and meeting people that way.
She's also really into splitting stuff- which is fine, I don't mind splitting but she wants it down to the very last penny lol. She came to my place for movie night and picked up snacks. She asked me what I wanted. She brought me the receipt for my poptarts and lemonade and pointed out what i owed her. I was like, okay lol.
Is this behavior normal. I used to have a group of friends and we used to get each other snacks, or sometimes pay for each other but it wasnt a huge deal. We would buy each other things and not add it up or *make* each other pay each other back. It was more of a "hey, thanks, I'll get you next time!" type of thing. I've bought small stuff for friends and havent really put that much thought into it. i'm not a rich person but i don't think I would ever in a million years give someone a receipt for $3 worth of stuff i bought for them. maybe I'm just from a small town but that seemed tacky kind of.
When she invites me out she also wants $5 for gas. Well, okay. Its just $5 and I don't mind but I don't think I'd ever charge a friend for gas unless it was a crazy long trip out of state or something.
Is she a bit weird about money or do I just not hang out with enough people?
Loner "not by choice." That's too bad, hope you fix that soon. For your own peace of mind, anyway.
Says the loner "by choice"...
I've seldom met a female tightwad, but plenty of men. Old saw, which like many Old saws has a grain of truth: "Men get uptight about money, women about food." Given that attractiveness is to key for women, understandable (see: "Dataclysm", OKCupid data aggregation) and success and money for men, understandable as a cliche. So yes, I'm familiar with it.
It's annoying, people notice. Fast.
I use an app to split checks and tips, but only for precision. Not to cut people off but to make sure we all pay what we owe. I think that has given more to servers (their full 15%) than I've cheated them out of over the years. Yay to apps. Start using Tip and Split or similar, play her game perhaps.
She'll lose friends that way. Can't be helped. People just don't like tightwads, eventually they end up screwing people and no one forgets that.
Personally, I don't loan money to others. I've been hit up for a few thou here and there. My reply: "you won't like my terms, I don't give unsecured loans, Number 1. Number 2, if I do, it's 60% and due in a month with additional points after that." Etc. They leave, fast. Or I tell them I'll sell the marker to some "guys" I know, the guys who collect on debts no matter what.
I wouldn't charge people for gas unless I'm driving an Uber. An Uber is actually cheaper than $5 for gas, most of the time, on short city trips. Take one, next time, tell her you'll meet her there. It's pretty simple. That might send an interesting message.
If I ever borrow money from someone, even if it is only a dollar, repaying that money is my first priority. If I need to make a special trip to an ATM or bank or whatever to get the cash, I make the trip regardless of whether it is convenient for me or not. There is no "forgetting" or getting too busy; it is constantly on my mind until it is repaid. If something beyond my control does cause a delay in returning their money, I contact them immediately to apologize and let them know; I do not wait for them to contact me. It is simple courtesy and a way of expressing my appreciation for their kindness. Most of the people I know well behave in a similar fashion regarding borrowed money.
Your friend is not weird about money. She is being proactive, likely with good reason. In her place, having had to take the initiative to inquire about repayment, I would not be offering another loan of any amount.
Some people are very meticulous about their lives. They don't like to leave things unresolved. They prefer that things between themselves and everyone else stays equal, or even, balanced. The loan was something unresolved, something that had to be settled. Almost like a hangnail or a loose thread on a shirt....it can't be ignored. The amount of money may not be the point. I have a friend who is like this. She is financially OK but careful. She doesn't like owing money or being owed money. She will remind you. She once borrowed money from me for a vet bill for her cat. I wasn't worried about being repaid, but she was the one bringing it up, telling me her plans to repay me daily. She did repay it of course, but I could tell it just bugged her until it was settled. If someone gives her a gift, no matter how small, she always returns the favor fairly quickly. She is a great friend; has been for many years. It's just the way she is.
In contrast, my dad was a total miser even though he had no reason to be. He grew up in a well off family too, but you'd never know it. I never heard of any time he was cheated either. Money was hugely important to him. He begrudged every cent spent on anything and spent an amazing amount of energy avoiding parting with a single dime. No penny was ever left unaccounted for, forgotten, delayed. If one of us needed money he would loan it under strict conditions, but he had the habit of describing what that loss of money would mean for him even temporarily. If he asked us what we might like for a birthday or holiday gift, he'd then complain about the price of whatever it was, no matter how small. I don't think he did this to be cruel, it was more of a mental habit that he couldn't break. I learned early on never to ask him for money.
If you have the Bank of America or Wells Fargo or any major bank's app, you can send money to another person just by their phone or email now. I like it better than Venmo because most people have bank apps, not Venmo.
How difficult is it to download an app? Besides, if the recipient doesn't have the same bank app as the sender, they're going to have to download an app and register anyway (in the case of BoA, that would be Zelle)
Might as well get Venmo that isn't limited to one bank.
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