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Maybe some marriages can manage it, but can any other relationship, friend or family, survive if people are really honest about almost everything? I believe most people don’t want to be confronted with criticism, constructive or otherwise. I once told a neighbor who I was friendly with for years that his teen age son would never wave hello to us, or even acknowledge our presence even if we were in their yard. The only time he interacted with us was one time he forgot his house key and had to come to us for a spare. I was working in the backyard, so had to stop what I was doing, go in the house and get the key. He took the key, turned and walked away. A few days later the neighbor walks over to give me back the key. In the course of the conversation, I mentioned how his son acted. The guy says,” yea, he’s not big on thank you’s.” I said, quite honestly, he’s not big on hellos or any other respectful acknowledgment of his neighbors. Basically, the friendship ended there.
My point is I think most people don’t want others to be really honest with them. Maybe that is just human nature. I do know that the most satisfying relationships I have had in my life were with people I had an above average amount of honest give and take with. Obviously, I’m not talking about casual friendships or neighbors you hardly ever see. Just closer relationships.
The neighbourly friendship ended because you criticized the way they raised their son. Your "honesty" was perhaps a bit too direct.
There were maybe other ways to find out why their son behaves that way, or possibly dislikes you, without addressing it so boldly.
A little diplomacy goes a long way...
I don't think that says people don't like honesty.
It's about knowing your place and being respectful. You can be honest, but you have to accept the consequences that go with it. Some people won't like what you have to say and choose not to deal with you. That's life.
My best friend and I are completely honest with each other. We have always relied on each other to be honest about everything even if the other one doesn't want to hear it.
When we were kids we even promised that when we got "old" we would never allow each other to get "old lady" haircuts or wear stinky perfume!
In the course of the conversation, I mentioned how his son acted. The guy says,” yea, he’s not big on thank you’s.” I said, quite honestly, he’s not big on hellos or any other respectful acknowledgment of his neighbors. Basically, the friendship ended there.
My point is I think most people don’t want others to be really honest with them. Maybe that is just human nature. I do know that the most satisfying relationships I have had in my life were with people I had an above average amount of honest give and take with. Obviously, I’m not talking about casual friendships or neighbors you hardly ever see. Just closer relationships.
So did you consider this neighbor a "closer relationship" or a casual friendship? Unfortunately in addition to criticizing the son you also criticized his upbringing; the neighbor who was respectfully returning your key.
I don't think that says people don't like honesty.
It's about knowing your place and being respectful. You can be honest, but you have to accept the consequences that go with it. Some people won't like what you have to say and choose not to deal with you. That's life.
So much depends not on the message, but the delivery.
Maybe some marriages can manage it, but can any other relationship, friend or family, survive if people are really honest about almost everything? I believe most people don’t want to be confronted with criticism, constructive or otherwise. I once told a neighbor who I was friendly with for years that his teen age son would never wave hello to us, or even acknowledge our presence even if we were in their yard. The only time he interacted with us was one time he forgot his house key and had to come to us for a spare. I was working in the backyard, so had to stop what I was doing, go in the house and get the key. He took the key, turned and walked away. A few days later the neighbor walks over to give me back the key. In the course of the conversation, I mentioned how his son acted. The guy says,” yea, he’s not big on thank you’s.” I said, quite honestly, he’s not big on hellos or any other respectful acknowledgment of his neighbors. Basically, the friendship ended there.
My point is I think most people don’t want others to be really honest with them. Maybe that is just human nature. I do know that the most satisfying relationships I have had in my life were with people I had an above average amount of honest give and take with. Obviously, I’m not talking about casual friendships or neighbors you hardly ever see. Just closer relationships.
If you brutally criticize someone's kids, you will probably destroy a friendship. So, lesson learned, OK? That kid did you no harm; he is probably socially awkward, and your comments were hurtful.
But you are basically right. Do you enjoy it when someone is brutally frank with you? When they criticize you or a loved one in a no holds barred way? Surely you don't find it an enjoyable experience.
After 48 years of marriage, I can honestly say that I am not brutally frank with my DH, and I strongly suspect he is not so with me. I decide what it is important, and deal with that. Everything else is not important. I do make requests, and they are sort of like complaints. And I used to be much more critical. So, I have evolved. But no, people do not like frankness from friends. They might tolerate it from a loved one, from time time, perhaps in a moment when they realize that they have a problem. But mostly, no.
And, we don't want others to be brutally frank with us, either. It is hard enough to go out the door with a reasonable amount of confidence as it is. If people constantly told me how I really looked to them, I'd probably be angry and/or heartbroken.
Tact is something you have to learn how to use, especially if it was not modeled by your family. But, as someone who has stuck her foot in her mouth too often from being frank, I want to recommend you learn how to use it.
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So did you consider this neighbor a "closer relationship" or a casual friendship? Unfortunately in addition to criticizing the son you also criticized his upbringing; the neighbor who was respectfully returning your key.
