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Does complete honesty mean that you always express your opinion? I try to always speak honestly, but that doesn't mean I always speak. Sometimes I just keep my thoughts to myself, if they wouldn't add anything useful to the situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy
Bingo! You can be honest and diplomatic or you can be honest and critical. Sometimes it is best to keep your opinion to yourself.
You can be honest when some asks your opinion. You can say yes that's nice but I liked the other one much better. Or you can be blunt and brutal. That looks horrible compared to the other one. Which is more diplomatic and nicer? Each gets the point across, but I think being nice about it is the best way for me to hear something that I might not want to hear.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
It is not your job to give input on another’s kid. Frankly, unless the kid is danger to himself, or she is damaging your property, you need to keep your opinions about behavior to yourself.
Your comment to your neighbor about her son was hurtful. I don’t know another more tactful way of saying this. But it is the honest truth. Your words were hurtful.
This is my honest reply to your post.
Yes. Exactly this. If the kid is causing a problem, then you need to diplomatically address it. Making unflattering observations about the kid, just to be kind of rude, will never be taken well.
And OP, now you've lost a friend. You had the kind of neighbor you each trusted enough to keep spare keys for each other, and now you've lost that relationship because you were rude.
As rude as you think the skulking teen is, you were ruder by making unflattering comments to the parent.
So I gotta ask. Are you a parent yourself? Because in my observation, only people without kids don't realize this will cause a very negative reaction.
This may be something you just need to learn. Don't make unnecessary, unflattering remarks about other people's kids if you want to be in a relationship with them.
Bingo! You can be honest and diplomatic or you can be honest and critical. Sometimes it is best to keep your opinion to yourself.
You can be honest when some asks your opinion. You can say yes that's nice but I liked the other one much better. Or you can be blunt and brutal. That looks horrible compared to the other one. Which is more diplomatic and nicer? Each gets the point across, but I think being nice about it is the best way for me to hear something that I might not want to hear.
Exactly. If someone asks what you think of their new dark hair color, you can say "it's nice but I prefer the blonde on you, it brings out your eyes" versus "no it makes you look 10 years older."
Also honesty when people are actually asking for an opinion is much different than just tossing out a criticism to someone who never asked for an opinion.
It’s never anybody’s ‘job’ to comment about anyone, unless your in the media. We all do it anyway. Maybe more parents should be able to handle a little criticism about their kids once in awhile. Maybe if someone told Mrs. Dahmer her son Jeffrey was torturing small animals, and she needed to address his issues, people’s lives could have been saved. But none of you would want to criticize little Jeffrey, now would you?
That's hardly the same as a kid not saying hi or thank you to a neighbor. I wasn't polite as a teen either all the time, and a middle aged neighbor would have been practically invisible to me as a teen. Now I am a polite and productive member of society. My nephew was a sulky, slightly depressed, sarcastic teen who barely acknowledged anyone. Now he's a Marine and politer than anyone I know his age.
It's amazing what simply growing up does.
I'm not sure what OP hoped to accomplish saying that to dad.
It’s never anybody’s ‘job’ to comment about anyone, unless your in the media. We all do it anyway. Maybe more parents should be able to handle a little criticism about their kids once in awhile. Maybe if someone told Mrs. Dahmer her son Jeffrey was torturing small animals, and she needed to address his issues, people’s lives could have been saved. But none of you would want to criticize little Jeffrey, now would you?
Yeah, because being socially awkward, or even a bit oafish, is the moral equivalent of torture.
I don’t think that what you said to the neighbors was inappropriate. A teenager should have some basic respect for others and, unless he has a spectrum disorder that interferes with social interaction, The parents should be made aware if they act as if his behavior is fine. That said, I’m not overly honest with most people because most folks are so sensitive, you run the risk of alienating plenty. If I am asked, I offer my opinion, otherwise I generally keep my mouth shut, unless you **** me off. In which case, tact and diplomacy are replaced with scathing character assasination. Also not recommended.
Maybe some marriages can manage it, but can any other relationship, friend or family, survive if people are really honest about almost everything? I believe most people don’t want to be confronted with criticism, constructive or otherwise. I once told a neighbor who I was friendly with for years that his teen age son would never wave hello to us, or even acknowledge our presence even if we were in their yard. The only time he interacted with us was one time he forgot his house key and had to come to us for a spare. I was working in the backyard, so had to stop what I was doing, go in the house and get the key. He took the key, turned and walked away. A few days later the neighbor walks over to give me back the key. In the course of the conversation, I mentioned how his son acted. The guy says,” yea, he’s not big on thank you’s.” I said, quite honestly, he’s not big on hellos or any other respectful acknowledgment of his neighbors. Basically, the friendship ended there.
My point is I think most people don’t want others to be really honest with them. Maybe that is just human nature. I do know that the most satisfying relationships I have had in my life were with people I had an above average amount of honest give and take with. Obviously, I’m not talking about casual friendships or neighbors you hardly ever see. Just closer relationships.
Why wouldn't it be possible???
We wouldn't have made it 50 years if we were not honest with each other
We wouldn't have made it 50 years if we were not honest with each other
I don’t think a relationship required th kind of honesty OP is talking about. My honey and I are honest about important things, but if he bakes me a birthday cake I’m going to tell him it’s good even if it’s dry. If I watch him play basketball I’m going to tell him he was wonderful even if he wasn’t. I don’t think relationship honesty requires tossing out unasked for random criticisms just for the sake of being honest.
It’s possible that kid is socially awkward. My 14 yo daughter recently started to skip saying hello or good morning and first I was very hard on her because people can say she is poorly brought up but then she broke down into tears and said that she feels awkward to greet people first.
May be you could hurt your neighbor feelings, he felt like you criticised him for his sons upbringing, may be it would be better option to be first to
break the ice with the boy and greet him first and if his demeanour bothers you ask him jokingly “ hey buddy you never say hello, did I do something wrong to you? I swear I didn’t steal your basketball ball” . Because you are adult, you are smarter and more experienced in human relationship you could do the first step. If the ice is broken, after that he will say hello. If he still doesn’t you can be sure he is socially awkward or doesn’t want to interact and you can forget about it. It’s basically uncertainty that makes you feel uncomfortable.
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