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i empathize and faced similar issues with some of my kids friends and decided on a policy. my children made it clear to their friends they were welcome in my home but they had to come and say hi and then say bye when they left. There is a way to be honest without being blunt and putting others on the defensive.
I don’t know many parents who like others to criticize their children and they go into protective mode or defensive mode. Not sure what your goal was but it seems to have backfired or did you expect the neioghbour to force his teen to wave and acknowledge you.
As for honesty in relationships I have been blessed with friends and family who know how to speak their truth without being hurtful,blunt or critical . Tact and a sense of humour works wonders
I learned to be discreet and respecting of how words and actions can enhance or destroy a relationship. This crusade to being 'pure' in honesty misses the mark . Few carry the skill to speak the truth since it's covered in a bias view. Example: 'Dear I must be completely honest,your figure makes me puke!. ( Just being honest dear!)
The real honesty was that the persons delivery was 'honestly' an opinion of bias preference and not an honest consideration of it's effect on the receiver.
Dosing out honesty comes with the ability to think twice and be civil in conveyance.
Maybe some marriages can manage it, but can any other relationship, friend or family, survive if people are really honest about almost everything? I believe most people don’t want to be confronted with criticism, constructive or otherwise. I once told a neighbor who I was friendly with for years that his teen age son would never wave hello to us, or even acknowledge our presence even if we were in their yard. The only time he interacted with us was one time he forgot his house key and had to come to us for a spare. I was working in the backyard, so had to stop what I was doing, go in the house and get the key. He took the key, turned and walked away. A few days later the neighbor walks over to give me back the key. In the course of the conversation, I mentioned how his son acted. The guy says,” yea, he’s not big on thank you’s.” I said, quite honestly, he’s not big on hellos or any other respectful acknowledgment of his neighbors. Basically, the friendship ended there.
My point is I think most people don’t want others to be really honest with them. Maybe that is just human nature. I do know that the most satisfying relationships I have had in my life were with people I had an above average amount of honest give and take with. Obviously, I’m not talking about casual friendships or neighbors you hardly ever see. Just closer relationships.
I have a completely honest relationship. With myself. Which is the only one I need. That means when I'm about to say something to someone, I always make sure I understand what my motives are. Am I trying to get them to change in some way that suits me? Am I being critical so that I can feel better about what I want? Am I trying to change their perspective because their's doesn't make me feel good? If I'm doing anything for any other reasons than genuine positive interest in the person/circumstance, or fun, or positive inspiration, then if at all possible, I don't interact. I don't need to be honest with other people. I just need to be honest with what I'm really trying to accomplish when I open my mouth to say anything.
If you brutally criticize someone's kids, you will probably destroy a friendship. So, lesson learned, OK? That kid did you no harm; he is probably socially awkward, and your comments were hurtful.
The OP was NOT at all brutal. How did you come to that conclusion? I would have said the same and honestly I would have had every right to after I went out of my way to help the teenager. It's not like it's some 4 or 5 year old that is still learning when you should say thank you!
I would have been embarrassed and apologized and thanked the OP if I was the parent of that teenager. I would have told my teen exactly how he should have acted when the OP did a favor like that. AND then I would have had him return the key and tell the OP "thank you."
Honestly... how hard is that and WTH would anyone be insulted by that? It's simply common sense and common courtesy!
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
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Seems to me the kid was being honest in not wanting to acknowledge the neighbor. Would the OP rather the kid just come out and 'honestly' say "I don't like you"?
Seems to me the kid was being honest in not wanting to acknowledge the neighbor. Would the OP rather the kid just come out and 'honestly' say "I don't like you"?
Shoe meet other foot...
That’s fine, but don’t come over when you need something and expect me to drop everything to help you. So that is when the shoe was on the other foot. He certainly acknowledged me when he needed me. A simple ‘ thank you’ is just a matter of respect. Maybe in your life respect is not important. It is in mine.
Several posts have stated that parents don’t like to have their kids criticized. I agree. Maybe that’s why so many kids grow up unaware of basic social graces, and how to fit in and succeed in adult society. Nobody expects parents to like it, but the kids who grow up thinking they are never wrong, and that mommy and daddy will always take their side no matter what, those are the kids you see on the news all too often.
Honesty does not mean you have to give voice to every negative thought that passes through your mind.
Bingo! You can be honest and diplomatic or you can be honest and critical. Sometimes it is best to keep your opinion to yourself.
You can be honest when some asks your opinion. You can say yes that's nice but I liked the other one much better. Or you can be blunt and brutal. That looks horrible compared to the other one. Which is more diplomatic and nicer? Each gets the point across, but I think being nice about it is the best way for me to hear something that I might not want to hear.
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