Husband's family treats our disabled child like less than the other (presents, member)
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And we're not really sure what to do. When he was born, they were so proud. As time went on and bit became quite obvious he is autistic, they have no pride anymore. No photos, less visits, no comments. No pride. We've had another child since then, and they treat him ("normal child") different. They love his photos, they talk to him more, they offer to watch him - but not our other son. He's 1.5 - they love to brag how 'advanced' he is (not that this was anything we or they did!!?).
My son is not severely autistic, but he does talk like an 18 month old and needs diaper changes (he's 4). He's starting to be upset after they visit, I think he's starting to realize it
What do we say? We don't even know how to bring this up without causing a rift.
And we're not really sure what to do. When he was born, they were so proud. As time went on and bit became quite obvious he is autistic, they have no pride anymore. No photos, less visits, no comments. No pride. We've had another child since then, and they treat him ("normal child") different. They love his photos, they talk to him more, they offer to watch him - but not our other son. He's 1.5 - they love to brag how 'advanced' he is (not that this was anything we or they did!!?).
My son is not severely autistic, but he does talk like an 18 month old and needs diaper changes (he's 4). He's starting to be upset after they visit, I think he's starting to realize it
What do we say? We don't even know how to bring this up without causing a rift.
I would start with asking them if they have any questions about your older son's autism (or autism in general) because you've noticed they are not interacting with him as much as the younger son and you want to make sure they have any information they need to feel comfortable.
Next the hard part...and it's probably gonna cause a rift one way or the other, but you have to put your foot down now. If they can't treat both if your sons equally (maybe not the same, they are different ages and have different needs....but as equals)....they don't need to visit until they can. Do explain that your older son has noticed the difference and it upsets him (they might not understand that he notices)...and you aren't going to allow anyone, not even family, to do that.
As a retired special education teacher I can tell you that this type of thing happens far too often.
If it is possible that they are doing it unintentionally then I would sit down and discuss it openly using specific examples of times that they favored the younger child. Perhaps they really don't "see" that they are doing anything differently. Since it is your husband's family I would suggest that he do most of the talking.
Do they need more information about autism? Perhaps they are afraid that they may do something wrong so they hesitate to offer to babysit? There are great parent organizations that could help them learn more about autism.
Keep sending photographs and art projects/etc. from both children. And always include both children in any conversation---perhaps even focus on the achievements of your older son. "Johnny's teacher said that he had a fabulous day today. He learned how to do X." and down play the "achievements" of your youngest child for a while.
If they are doing it on purpose that is a totally different matter. You and your husband may have to be quite firm with your boundaries. Sadly, I have known parents who have had to totally cut the grandparents contact with all of their children because the grandparents have been so blatantly unfair or even physically abusive to the child with a handicapping condition. Hopefully you will not need to do that.
I would start with asking them if they have any questions about your older son's autism (or autism in general) because you've noticed they are not interacting with him as much as the younger son and you want to make sure they have any information they need to feel comfortable.
Next the hard part...and it's probably gonna cause a rift one way or the other, but you have to put your foot down now. If they can't treat both if your sons equally (maybe not the same, they are different ages and have different needs....but as equals)....they don't need to visit until they can. Do explain that your older son has noticed the difference and it upsets him (they might not understand that he notices)...and you aren't going to allow anyone, not even family, to do that.
Your husband has to be the one to initiate this conversation with his parents, I think. You can support his efforts with less direct follow-up per germaine's suggestions.
Autism is kind of scary for some people, depending on how it manifests. I tend to be on high alert with severely autistic people because I'm severely ADD and I know some of the ways it manifests can unsettle them. (See a previous post of mine about dealing with an Aspie guy in my industry - we've worked out a good style of interaction, but we had some rather comical difficulties at first.) But they may just be scared of making your son "worse" by blundering. You might want to encourage them to educate themselves about autism by recommending some books or DVDs or web sites. Maybe invite them to join you at his therapy or medical appointments if that wouldn't be too disruptive? Or maybe a support group that you belong to?
Depressingly, they could see him as inferior to your other child. You'll probably figure that out by how they react to your husband laying down the law and you offering to help them understand your child better. Your husband should make it clear to them that if they continue to treat the children differently, you will both be forced to distance your family from them in order to protect your older child. I think you're absolutely right that he recognizes what's going on, and that's a burden a little boy who is dealing with autism does not need added to his pile.
So basically I guess I think you give them fair warning and then give them every opportunity and encouragement to come up to scratch and get involved within a reasonable period of time, but reserve the right to shorten that period of time if the negative impact on your kid is too much.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. In an ideal world, family would be your greatest resource in this situation.
They probably just feel awkward and many people can't summon up a false sense of excitement when they feel they don't relate to a child.
I don't know that "educating" them about autism is the answer - they may feel affronted and criticized, when they truly don't feel comfortable about how to interact with a child that has some limitations with response to them and who most likely takes more "work" -- if that makes sense.
Seems to me that they feel they understand how to interact and care for the younger child but dealing with a four year old who needs diaper changes and cannot communicate with them well may be way out of their comfort zone.
Putting one's foot down, so to speak, about how they interact may end up with distance to your whole family. We can't dictate how others interact with our family members. Not everyone is going to appreciate being "called out" when it would be quite normal for folks to feel distanced from a child that is not engaging.
I would just accept it for what it is. The grandparents are trying to find their way in all this. Any suggestion that you are criticizing their interaction with your children is most likely going to end in hurt feelings and lots of resentment -- and possibly, even alienation.
Grandparents are just people and the majority of my friends either 1. are overly doting (small percentage) or 2. feel the grandchildren are "cute" and fun in short doses or 3. they are very into longlasting relationships. I would say that the majority of people I know fall into category 2, even though the adult children always want the grandparents to be either in category 1 or 3.
If you absolutely feel that this is something you need to make an issue of, I would suggest you have a conversation where you put it all on YOU (meaning - you and your husband) -- your concerns that your older son picks up on their enjoying his company less than the younger son and ask them what all of you can do to make it easier for everyone concerned. Please take this into consideration. These are your children and you want them to feel equally loved but let's face it -- your autistic son does interact differently than your younger child and therefore, will be responded to differently -- by society in general. That is just how things work. Pretending that this is not alienating to others on the outside, and that includes grandparents, is not helpful to your child or your family. Not everyone is cut out to be patient and caring for a child that presents challenges.
What is hardest, is that my son tried to engage them. I needed to go to a blood appointment (30 minutes, he volunteered to babysit) and told grandpa "he really loves his train set downstairs, I'm sure he'd be happy to go down there" - my son said "LET'S GO STAIRS" (he can communicate some) and grandpa said no, and just put on the TV and pulled out his crossword to do. He said, "that's that!" and when I came home, he was still in the same spot staring at the TV.
Then he made a comment later about how great it was he could just put on the TV and he will stay there the whole time It's like he won't even want to play with him when he wants to - but he will ask me to leave the baby behind, and he plays wiht the baby.
What is hardest, is that my son tried to engage them. I needed to go to a blood appointment (30 minutes, he volunteered to babysit) and told grandpa "he really loves his train set downstairs, I'm sure he'd be happy to go down there" - my son said "LET'S GO STAIRS" (he can communicate some) and grandpa said no, and just put on the TV and pulled out his crossword to do. He said, "that's that!" and when I came home, he was still in the same spot staring at the TV.
Then he made a comment later about how great it was he could just put on the TV and he will stay there the whole time It's like he won't even want to play with him when he wants to - but he will ask me to leave the baby behind, and he plays wiht the baby.
I know this is heartbreaking for you, but I think this shows that grandpa's comfort zone simply does not include working at a relationship with your older child.
I suspect he feels he is doing you a big favor by babysitting (and he is). The kids are evidently "safe" -- he hasn't let anyone fall down stairs or stick fingers into outlets. I have a feeling he feels if he managed that, he has done his "job."
You need to take a hard look at your complaints (well, concerns - maybe complaints is not the right word). If you were hiring a babysitter, would you expect different behavior or would you be most concerned that the children were not abused and that they were uninjured when you return home?
I know this sounds very harsh but I think you need to take a hard look at your expectations. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, and I apologize if I have. I know your concerns are only for your children's well-being.
Yeah, I don't expect him to be awesome or anything, I know that he's older and that it wouldn't be easy to keep up with the kids, I guess I am just disappointed that he is so willing to get down and play with the baby, but not even talk to the older one at this point. He asked us to move here because he wanted to be a close grandpa, and we've been really let down. We've decided to move back home as a result (amongst so many other things related to the autism), it's just a big let down. I guess at least he's too young to really remember.
Yeah, I don't expect him to be awesome or anything, I know that he's older and that it wouldn't be easy to keep up with the kids, I guess I am just disappointed that he is so willing to get down and play with the baby, but not even talk to the older one at this point. He asked us to move here because he wanted to be a close grandpa, and we've been really let down. We've decided to move back home as a result (amongst so many other things related to the autism), it's just a big let down. I guess at least he's too young to really remember.
I am sorry ALISS. You say you have other reasons in addition to this situation for moving, but it looks on the surface that you are trying to punish the grandparents for not living up to your expectations. Sometimes, people are doing the best they can do and that should be enough.
I don't know Grandpa's age but denying your younger child a relationship with grandpa due to your disapproval with how grandpa interacts with the older sibling is not fair, either.
I would say - just think about all this - but it sounds like you have already made up your mind to move.
Again, not being critical of you and your decisions, but asking you to think about your own expectations and how they might just be unrealistic.
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