Husband's family treats our disabled child like less than the other (present, affection)
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They probably just feel awkward and many people can't summon up a false sense of excitement when they feel they don't relate to a child.
I don't know that "educating" them about autism is the answer - they may feel affronted and criticized, when they truly don't feel comfortable about how to interact with a child that has some limitations with response to them and who most likely takes more "work" -- if that makes sense.
Seems to me that they feel they understand how to interact and care for the younger child but dealing with a four year old who needs diaper changes and cannot communicate with them well may be way out of their comfort zone.
Putting one's foot down, so to speak, about how they interact may end up with distance to your whole family. We can't dictate how others interact with our family members. Not everyone is going to appreciate being "called out" when it would be quite normal for folks to feel distanced from a child that is not engaging.
I would just accept it for what it is. The grandparents are trying to find their way in all this. Any suggestion that you are criticizing their interaction with your children is most likely going to end in hurt feelings and lots of resentment -- and possibly, even alienation.
Grandparents are just people and the majority of my friends either 1. are overly doting (small percentage) or 2. feel the grandchildren are "cute" and fun in short doses or 3. they are very into longlasting relationships. I would say that the majority of people I know fall into category 2, even though the adult children always want the grandparents to be either in category 1 or 3.
If you absolutely feel that this is something you need to make an issue of, I would suggest you have a conversation where you put it all on YOU (meaning - you and your husband) -- your concerns that your older son picks up on their enjoying his company less than the younger son and ask them what all of you can do to make it easier for everyone concerned. Please take this into consideration. These are your children and you want them to feel equally loved but let's face it -- your autistic son does interact differently than your younger child and therefore, will be responded to differently -- by society in general. That is just how things work. Pretending that this is not alienating to others on the outside, and that includes grandparents, is not helpful to your child or your family. Not everyone is cut out to be patient and caring for a child that presents challenges.
I agree with this. "It is what it is." You can't MAKE people feel and act in ways that would please you. I understand how hurtful the different responses could be to a parent, who only wants the best for each of their children. The truth is that your child is different and thus will be treated differently. I don't know how that can be altered.
I am sorry ALISS. You say you have other reasons in addition to this situation for moving, but it looks on the surface that you are trying to punish the grandparents for not living up to your expectations. Sometimes, people are doing the best they can do and that should be enough.
I don't know Grandpa's age but denying your younger child a relationship with grandpa due to your disapproval with how grandpa interacts with the older sibling is not fair, either.
I would say - just think about all this - but it sounds like you have already made up your mind to move.
Again, not being critical of you and your decisions, but asking you to think about your own expectations and how they might just be unrealistic.
No, we're not punishing them. I don't speak the local language. I can't work here. I can't raised a disabled child in a place where I can't even speak with his psychology team. This was a move of 5000km. I can't learn the language or get a job because there is no healthcare for an autistic child here. Believe me, it goes way beyond the grandpa issue.
But in our last few months here, I just wish our autistic son did not have to feel rejected, that's all.
They probably just feel awkward and many people can't summon up a false sense of excitement when they feel they don't relate to a child.
I don't know that "educating" them about autism is the answer - they may feel affronted and criticized, when they truly don't feel comfortable about how to interact with a child that has some limitations with response to them and who most likely takes more "work" -- if that makes sense.
Seems to me that they feel they understand how to interact and care for the younger child but dealing with a four year old who needs diaper changes and cannot communicate with them well may be way out of their comfort zone.
Putting one's foot down, so to speak, about how they interact may end up with distance to your whole family. We can't dictate how others interact with our family members. Not everyone is going to appreciate being "called out" when it would be quite normal for folks to feel distanced from a child that is not engaging.
I would just accept it for what it is. The grandparents are trying to find their way in all this. Any suggestion that you are criticizing their interaction with your children is most likely going to end in hurt feelings and lots of resentment -- and possibly, even alienation.
Grandparents are just people and the majority of my friends either 1. are overly doting (small percentage) or 2. feel the grandchildren are "cute" and fun in short doses or 3. they are very into longlasting relationships. I would say that the majority of people I know fall into category 2, even though the adult children always want the grandparents to be either in category 1 or 3.
If you absolutely feel that this is something you need to make an issue of, I would suggest you have a conversation where you put it all on YOU (meaning - you and your husband) -- your concerns that your older son picks up on their enjoying his company less than the younger son and ask them what all of you can do to make it easier for everyone concerned. Please take this into consideration. These are your children and you want them to feel equally loved but let's face it -- your autistic son does interact differently than your younger child and therefore, will be responded to differently -- by society in general. That is just how things work. Pretending that this is not alienating to others on the outside, and that includes grandparents, is not helpful to your child or your family. Not everyone is cut out to be patient and caring for a child that presents challenges.
Really bad advice.
This could be as simple as getting them some education on the topic of autism.
I notice with your posts you seem to think it is all about not ever discussing any issues, for fear of offending someone.
Well part of life is having to deal with uncomfortable situations. Not pretend they don't exist.
This situation is only going to get worse if it is not addressed. Especially now since the son is picking up on the grandparent's behavior.
If not addressed this could result in a huge explosive rift that may not be repaired.
While the OP and her husband should try and see what they can do to put the grandparents more at ease(again some education about autism), you discuss the issue at hand.
If left unresolved, a day will come when one or both of the parents will say something to the grandparents in anger, which could have a lot worse ramifications than if the parents had an honest discussion regarding the current situation.
No, we're not punishing them. I don't speak the local language. I can't work here. I can't raised a disabled child in a place where I can't even speak with his psychology team. This was a move of 5000km. I can't learn the language or get a job because there is no healthcare for an autistic child here. Believe me, it goes way beyond the grandpa issue.
But in our last few months here, I just wish our autistic son did not have to feel rejected, that's all.
I can totally understand if you need to find a situation where the progress with your care management team will be more beneficial.
I would suggest to you that you are projecting your own feelings of rejection onto your son and holding Grandpa responsible for something that he is not consciously doing.
If you are moving in a matter of months, why oh why would you want to confront the grandparents, shame them, and alienate them?
Again, I can feel your hurt and pain, so I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I think you need to look deeper into your frustrations with life, your autistic son and the reality of what it is always going to mean with the differences in relationships people have with your two children.
I don't wish to shame or alienate them, that was the whole point of my post. But just because we move doesn't mean that we will never see them again - how will I explain to my son that grandpa only wants to play with his brother and not him? How does anyone say that to a kid? My son is not severely low-functioning, he very well is starting to understand this already...
This could be as simple as getting them some education on the topic of autism.
I notice with your posts you seem to think it is all about not ever discussing any issues, for fear of offending someone.
Well part of life is having to deal with uncomfortable situations. Not pretend they don't exist.
This situation is only going to get worse if it is not addressed. Especially now since the son is picking up on the grandparent's behavior.
If not addressed this could result in a huge explosive rift that may not be repaired.
While the OP and her husband should try and see what they can do to put the grandparents more at ease(again some education about autism), you discuss the issue at hand.
If left unresolved, a day will come when one or both of the parents will say something to the grandparents in anger, which could have a lot worse ramifications than if the parents had an honest discussion regarding the current situation.
I am not sure why you felt it was important to analyze my posts and make this about me.
Most of the time in life, there is no benefit in confronting people who have no hidden motivations or ill will. These are grandparents, for God's sake. Human beings.
The only person who will have an explosive rift is the mother, who doesn't seem to understand that we cannot orchestrate how other people interact with us or our children.
Drawing boundaries is one thing. Demanding that people "do it our way or the highway" rarely gets any result other than resentment and alienation. (NOTE: not that ALISS was - but this is what you are implying with your criticism of me, SEAN).
Calling someone out who is doing his/her best in dealing with children is a guaranteed path to disharmony.
Having a discussion about "how" to make things better is what I suggested, without putting the grandparents on the spot.
It is just my opinion and there was certainly no need for you to attack me for offering my thoughts. People come to forums to get different perspectives.
Last edited by brokensky; 02-20-2014 at 12:28 PM..
I don't wish to shame or alienate them, that was the whole point of my post. But just because we move doesn't mean that we will never see them again - how will I explain to my son that grandpa only wants to play with his brother and not him? How does anyone say that to a kid? My son is not severely low-functioning, he very well is starting to understand this already...
Why do you feel you must explain anything? Why do you assume things will never change?
It would be very easy to make a statement such as "Grandpa, I bet you didn't realize it, but Joey gets sad when he sees you playing with Terri and not him."
It doesn't have to be a big confrontation -- that's my point. Why not just ask Grandpa about it?
And if Joey asks - "Why does Grandpa not like me?" then just say -- "I didn't know Grandpa didn't like you. What makes you feel that way?" or tell him that you will ask Grandpa why he does things that make Joey feel he is unliked when Joey is there, so he can hear the response.
Things dont' need to be complicated. We humans tend to make them complicated.
I have friends, highly intelligent, kind-hearted folks, who have autistic grandchildren and they are stressed out all to hell about offending the children's mother b/c they don't know how to deal with (actually - are uncomfortable dealing with) autistic children. So they end up simply staying away or walking on pins and needles -- very strained relationships.
One of them finally just told her daughter in law - look, I love your children but I don't cope well with Sam's outburts and inability to engage. I am sorry. I am doing my best.
That seemed to help to some degree as far as personal relationships. My friend was honest and DIL seemed to accept that. People don't need to make things so mysteriously complicated.
Last edited by brokensky; 02-20-2014 at 12:30 PM..
Reason: added info
They probably just feel awkward and many people can't summon up a false sense of excitement when they feel they don't relate to a child.
I don't know that "educating" them about autism is the answer - they may feel affronted and criticized, when they truly don't feel comfortable about how to interact with a child that has some limitations with response to them and who most likely takes more "work" -- if that makes sense.
Seems to me that they feel they understand how to interact and care for the younger child but dealing with a four year old who needs diaper changes and cannot communicate with them well may be way out of their comfort zone.
Putting one's foot down, so to speak, about how they interact may end up with distance to your whole family. We can't dictate how others interact with our family members. Not everyone is going to appreciate being "called out" when it would be quite normal for folks to feel distanced from a child that is not engaging.
I would just accept it for what it is. The grandparents are trying to find their way in all this. Any suggestion that you are criticizing their interaction with your children is most likely going to end in hurt feelings and lots of resentment -- and possibly, even alienation.
Grandparents are just people and the majority of my friends either 1. are overly doting (small percentage) or 2. feel the grandchildren are "cute" and fun in short doses or 3. they are very into longlasting relationships. I would say that the majority of people I know fall into category 2, even though the adult children always want the grandparents to be either in category 1 or 3.
If you absolutely feel that this is something you need to make an issue of, I would suggest you have a conversation where you put it all on YOU (meaning - you and your husband) -- your concerns that your older son picks up on their enjoying his company less than the younger son and ask them what all of you can do to make it easier for everyone concerned. Please take this into consideration. These are your children and you want them to feel equally loved but let's face it -- your autistic son does interact differently than your younger child and therefore, will be responded to differently -- by society in general. That is just how things work. Pretending that this is not alienating to others on the outside, and that includes grandparents, is not helpful to your child or your family. Not everyone is cut out to be patient and caring for a child that presents challenges.
It is not fair to either child for the grandparents to dote on one child and ignore the other. The grandparents are punishing the ASD child for being different. The ASD child isn't stupid. Many ASD children have higher IQs and it has been shown that their brain works overtime, that is why they often seem disconnected from things~they are trying to preserve their sanity when they are overwhelmed.
Anyone not willing to love a child, for any reason, is just wrong. Not loving a child because they are different, is more wrong. The child did not ask to be born different. The children that are different already have enough challenges without people justifying their own bigotry because of differences.
ANYONE THAT THINKS IT IS OK TO ALIENATE A CHILD BECAUSE OF A DISABILITY IS MISSING A HUGE CHUNK OF THEIR HUMANITY. THAT IS THE WAY ANIMALS TREAT EACH OTHER.
So, anifani821;33558385, you feel that if you have a child with disabilities, that you can just turn them over to the government and walk away if you are just not cut out to take care of them? If you are not prepared to take care of a child with differences, then you should never have children in the first place because there are no guarantees that your child will be perfect. Actually, no child is perfect. Every child will try your patience. Just get sterilized and you won't have to worry about children challenging you.
The only person who will have an explosive rift is the mother, who doesn't seem to understand that we cannot orchestrate how other people interact with us or our children.
.
I fully understand that I cannot control people's behaviour, but I do think that I have a right to expect that one of my children is not treated "special" while the other is excluded for being "special".
Nobody else does this - it's just them. They have always been the type of parents to expect extraordinary behaviour (perfect grades, perfect career, perfect house) out of their child (only child), which he has done, and I can't help but wonder if the imperfect child is not something they are proud of, because they sure are proud of the "amazing" other one.
I know this is heartbreaking for you, but I think this shows that grandpa's comfort zone simply does not include working at a relationship with your older child.
I suspect he feels he is doing you a big favor by babysitting (and he is). The kids are evidently "safe" -- he hasn't let anyone fall down stairs or stick fingers into outlets. I have a feeling he feels if he managed that, he has done his "job."
You need to take a hard look at your complaints (well, concerns - maybe complaints is not the right word). If you were hiring a babysitter, would you expect different behavior or would you be most concerned that the children were not abused and that they were uninjured when you return home?
I know this sounds very harsh but I think you need to take a hard look at your expectations. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, and I apologize if I have. I know your concerns are only for your children's well-being.
Do you expect a babysitter to dote on on child and ignore your other child? Both children notice. It is emotional abuse of the ignored child. Abuse is not good for the child's well being.
Because you expect grandparent to love your children, it is painful when you find out differently. Do you want that to happen to your child.
JUST BECAUSE A CHILD HAS ASD DOES NOT MEAN THE CHILD HAS NO FEELINGS. THEY HURT TOO BUT HAVE A HARDER TIME GIVING WORDS TO THAT PAIN.
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and make this about me.
