Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am sorry ALISS. You say you have other reasons in addition to this situation for moving, but it looks on the surface that you are trying to punish the grandparents for not living up to your expectations. Sometimes, people are doing the best they can do and that should be enough.
I don't know Grandpa's age but denying your younger child a relationship with grandpa due to your disapproval with how grandpa interacts with the older sibling is not fair, either.
I would say - just think about all this - but it sounds like you have already made up your mind to move.
Again, not being critical of you and your decisions, but asking you to think about your own expectations and how they might just be unrealistic.
It is absolutely not an unrealistic effort to expect grandparents to treat their grandchildren FAIRLY. Not necessarily equally, but fairly. That is clearly not happening.
And mom is doing younger child no favors either by allowing it. When that child is older and can see how he is treated not just differently but better than his sibling he will likely feel a large amount of guilt even though he did not do anything wrong, the grandparents did. The older child is making overtures that are being rejected. That is unacceptable.
And WRT, prior post about society being unfair, parents have an obligation to make things as safe, comfortable and FAIR as possible in their own home. If that means preventing visits from unfair family members well that sends a clear message to the older son, that he matters. The parents obligation is to the child not to the grandparents. And the mantra about doing they best they can...nope, not good enough.
Why do you feel you must explain anything? Why do you assume things will never change?
As a mother her obligation is to her child. His feelings matter most because he is a child and as such needs help processing things that are hurtful and confusing.
Quote:
And if Joey asks - "Why does Grandpa not like me?" then just say -- "I didn't know Grandpa didn't like you. What makes you feel that way?" or tell him that you will ask Grandpa why he does things that make Joey feel he is unliked when Joey is there, so he can hear the response.
The part above minimizes the child's perfectly valid feelings and further alienates him especially when mom would have to LIE, since we all know why.
I posted to your thread yesterday, and mentioned that you need to be your child's advocate. To that end, I want to suggest that there are many folks going through similar experiences...seek them out, learn from their experiences. I think if you visit the section of the parenting forum related to disabilities it would be helpful.
There are also untold numbers of web pages dedicated to educating parents about their disabled children's rights, need, strengths and any number of supportive and helpful websites to assist you in your multiple roles as the parent, the advocate and primary caregiver of your child.
You can do this...and getting support from other parents is one way to help you be more successful at providing for the unique needs of your child. Build for yourself and your son a supportive network. Wishing you all the best.
What is hardest, is that my son tried to engage them. I needed to go to a blood appointment (30 minutes, he volunteered to babysit) and told grandpa "he really loves his train set downstairs, I'm sure he'd be happy to go down there" - my son said "LET'S GO STAIRS" (he can communicate some) and grandpa said no, and just put on the TV and pulled out his crossword to do. He said, "that's that!" and when I came home, he was still in the same spot staring at the TV.
Then he made a comment later about how great it was he could just put on the TV and he will stay there the whole time It's like he won't even want to play with him when he wants to - but he will ask me to leave the baby behind, and he plays with the baby.
Sorry...That is just a jerk. Don't volunteer your child for these experiences. Here's what I would have said to my child...in front of his lazy Grand Pa....Oh, son...sometimes when folks get older they just do not have the energy to play....Here....lets go down and see your train. And think you for sitting so patiently and watching Grandpa watching his TV shows... Call it out....Maybe if nothing else you can shame the SOB..Sorry, this has me riled up.
Check into respite care or other social opportunities for your child. Those volunteers are trained in how to interact in a positive, strengths building way w/ your child. Think of it as arming your child to have resiliance against what may come....sad but truthfully....in future experiences. Do double duty in building his esteem...be his soft place to fall....That is what is so hard to hear about how your in-laws are behaving..Home should always be the "safe" place....I am saddened and ashamed of them Where is your husband in all of this??.
Further.....Do not subject your child to folks that are this blatantly uncaring...not until they see the error of their ways...And, you may have to be instrumental in making them see this....Or limiting their time drastically. Do the research...learn what effects this will have on your child...You will get the strength and the resolv to do the things you need to do to protect him from this. Supportively...Jan
People treat others based on how they make them feel. Even though parents claim (or are encouraged) to love their children the same, they usually can't. You feel more for those from whom you receive something in return (in emotional feedback).
It's hard to feel things in return when dealing with an autistic child. The parents could be an exception because there is a program in most people (inside) which dictates that they should bond with their children, regardless anything.
But this program does not run in other people's hearts. So they can only respond based on the emotional feedback they receive from another. So I am assuming that the other child is giving them much more positive feedback, responds in more positive ways to them. Which makes them like him/her more.
Plus, there is another program that sometimes runs in people, stating that "healthy and normal" are the ones to be attracted to (to like them) and abnormal are the ones to stay away from.
People act based on the programs that run in them. You can't really change the program by telling the person to just behave differently.
What you need to do is to realize that it takes special people to deal with special children (like that) and don't expect that from everybody. And then you won't feel the rift. Because it's your own feelings which create the rift. You can only change yourself (if you want to fix a situation). You can't change how other people feel or behave.
We should all try to be nice to others no matter what. But we can't be forced to LIKE them, right?
Hyperbole...So, according to your philosophy...it is acceptable for folks to mistreat someone, because they just can't help it? And, we "special" people who think that this is inherently wrong just need to accept this.
Thank goodness for the ADA.
It is absolutely not an unrealistic effort to expect grandparents to treat their grandchildren FAIRLY. Not necessarily equally, but fairly. That is clearly not happening.
And mom is doing younger child no favors either by allowing it. When that child is older and can see how he is treated not just differently but better than his sibling he will likely feel a large amount of guilt even though he did not do anything wrong, the grandparents did. The older child is making overtures that are being rejected. That is unacceptable.
And WRT, prior post about society being unfair, parents have an obligation to make things as safe, comfortable and FAIR as possible in their own home. If that means preventing visits from unfair family members well that sends a clear message to the older son, that he matters. The parents obligation is to the child not to the grandparents. And the mantra about doing they best they can...nope, not good enough.
Today grandpa came over for the gold medal game (we're Canadian!) and brought my little guy some donuts and played with him. I suspect he is struggling with an older child in general and I decided to leave on errands with the baby to allow them some time together. He made some comments about being older (which he is - he is 70) and being tired. I suspect he is overwhelmed at the simple thought of our older boy, rather than any malice. Since we will be leaving in a few months, I'll give it some more time before making a decision on what to do. My husband thinks his dad is just too old and tired, and isn't coping well. I don't really blame him, I get tired too and I'm 29.
Thanks for the support. Today we had a playdate with another autistic boy who we met at random, and it was wonderful. They had a good day together.
This is certainly a difficult situation. To the OP, I'm sorry you're having to deal with something like this. Unfortunately, I don't foresee much change on the part of the grandparents.
They grew up in a generation where "problem" children (children with birth defects, children with handicaps, promiscuous girls, girls who got pregnant, etc) were quietly shuttered away and dealt with, and kept apart from family.
Just look at the Kennedy family, Rosemary was institutionalized and lobotomized (which made her far worse) and kept out of sight to not embarrass the family.
Things are a lot different today of course. But when you're old and set in your ways and behaviors, I doubt they will come around and treat/love both children equally.
Chances are they don't know much about Autism, which would explain them acting the way that they are. They probably don't want to do or say anything to hurt you and him or upset you or him.
This is certainly a difficult situation. To the OP, I'm sorry you're having to deal with something like this. Unfortunately, I don't foresee much change on the part of the grandparents.
They grew up in a generation where "problem" children (children with birth defects, children with handicaps, promiscuous girls, girls who got pregnant, etc) were quietly shuttered away and dealt with, and kept apart from family.
Just look at the Kennedy family, Rosemary was institutionalized and lobotomized (which made her far worse) and kept out of sight to not embarrass the family.
Things are a lot different today of course. But when you're old and set in your ways and behaviors, I doubt they will come around and treat/love both children equally.
Sorry your timeline is off a bit. You're talking about the Kennedy scenario, that occurred 70 yrs ago.
My family dealt with a Down Syndromes cousin quite well and that was in the 1970s. And my grandparents were very involved and actually showed more love towards my cousin than the other grandkids, they were in their 70s at the time.
To say someone who is 70yrs old in 2014 can't deal with" problem children", well IMO that is giving them a pass.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's like he won't even want to play with him when he wants to - but he will ask me to leave the baby behind, and he plays with the baby.
. Exactly right.
