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And we're not really sure what to do. When he was born, they were so proud. As time went on and bit became quite obvious he is autistic, they have no pride anymore. No photos, less visits, no comments. No pride. We've had another child since then, and they treat him ("normal child") different. They love his photos, they talk to him more, they offer to watch him - but not our other son. He's 1.5 - they love to brag how 'advanced' he is (not that this was anything we or they did!!?).
My son is not severely autistic, but he does talk like an 18 month old and needs diaper changes (he's 4). He's starting to be upset after they visit, I think he's starting to realize it
What do we say? We don't even know how to bring this up without causing a rift.
I'd have to say, unequivocally, that I would not permit my children to be slighted by any relative. Including grandparents, for any reason.
I would not permit them to have contact with my children if this was the case. It's unacceptable.
Favoritism by relatives leaves lasting emotional scars.
You owe it to your son to protect him from these people.
I'm not trying to minimize the slighting of your autistic child or excuse the grandparents for being lousy about autism. However, I would point out that part of the unequal treatment may also be that the baby is, well, a baby. Babies and young toddlers are cute and simple, and tend to get more attention than older kids even in situations where disabilities and ignorance about them is not an issue.
I'd have to say, unequivocally, that I would not permit my children to be slighted by any relative. Including grandparents, for any reason.
I would not permit them to have contact with my children if this was the case. It's unacceptable.
Favoritism by relatives leaves lasting emotional scars.
You owe it to your son to protect him from these people.
I agree...I'm surprised by many of the posts on this thread. Favoritism, especially over such a sensitive issue as a disability, can leave hurt that lasts for years, if not a lifetime. It's not a matter of the grandparents "are who they are" or "aren't up to the challenge." It's a matter of grandparents loving their grandchildren unconditionally...and if they can't do that, maybe they need to learn more about being grandparents.
My grandparents had favorites and it had nothing to do with any disabilities since we didn't have any. No grandchildren were kept away from them because of this. The truth is, blood related or not, you like some people more than others and it's totally based on personalities and how you interact with that person. Some people will be loved less than others and that's just a fact of life. You may be related to someone you'd have nothing to do with if the family tree hadn't intervened. Life is not fair, whatever that means.
I couldn't agree more.
You can love people differently but still treat them equally. That is what this is about. My grandmother had 6 grandchildren - we all knew who the favorites were, but she treated us all equally. Heck, I was DEFINITELY not the favorite. But she made time for us all to the same degree, she observed our special occasions with equal enthusiasm, she encouraged us to visit to the same extent and she assisted us in life to the same degree. She was not a very intelligent or even a very kind woman, but she did love us all in her own way and she did treat us the same broadly speaking, even if we knew she preferred some of us over others. It was her job as an adult to do that.
I think a 4-year-old child is a bit young for you to be applying the principle of "Suck it up and deal," frankly.
I am not sure why you felt it was important to analyze my posts and make this about me.
Most of the time in life, there is no benefit in confronting people who have no hidden motivations or ill will. These are grandparents, for God's sake. Human beings.
The only person who will have an explosive rift is the mother, who doesn't seem to understand that we cannot orchestrate how other people interact with us or our children.
Drawing boundaries is one thing. Demanding that people "do it our way or the highway" rarely gets any result other than resentment and alienation. (NOTE: not that ALISS was - but this is what you are implying with your criticism of me, SEAN).
Calling someone out who is doing his/her best in dealing with children is a guaranteed path to disharmony.
Having a discussion about "how" to make things better is what I suggested, without putting the grandparents on the spot.
It is just my opinion and there was certainly no need for you to attack me for offering my thoughts. People come to forums to get different perspectives.
Because from the comments I have read that you have posted in the past, you should never speak up and have a very sit on your hands style, that doesn't benefit the original OP who came on here looking for some advice.
And I didn't say anything about "confrontation", I said have a discussion BEFORE it ends up in a confrontation. Because it sure sounds like that is where it will be heading, and that could do damage that could cause a rift that could last for years.
Now you're changing your tune somewhat. You said in your first post just accept for what it is or make it all about the OP and her husband, the issue involves the grandparents. It is clearly upsetting to the parents and now the child, it needs to be discussed not ignored.
If it is not it will end up calling a large rift, that may not end.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG
So through all that, you seem to think it's perfectly fine for a grandparent to treat their grandson like a second class human because THEY don't feel comfortable and won't make an effort...and it's the Mom's fault when she stands up for her son?
I would have your husband point out the issues in a non confrontational way to his parents. It definitely needs to be addressed.
Yes...I don't see a way to edit my post (I'm new to these forums), but if I could, I'd add something along these lines. Make sure (nicely) the grandparents are aware of the problem...but if they see their behavior and refuse to change it, that would be cause for concern.
Folks, has anyone here ever considered that people naturally enjoy babies . . . and it takes more work to interact with older kids? Toddlers?
It should have been a clue when Grandpa made that statement about sitting older child in front of the TV and how it was so nice b/c he would sit there. In other words, Grandpa didn't have to run after him or do anything special to take care of him.
Maybe none of you are grandparents . . . but typically, everyone ooohhhs and aaaahhhs over babies but then not so much as they get older, especially in regard to babysitting.
I am not trying to give Grandpa a pass. But I am also saying - let's be real here. Momma thinks her older child is being excluded but is he - really? Grandpa will likely treat the younger child the same way b/c that is what people typically do when they get to the age that it is not "fun" to carry a baby around or talk to them/feed them when they are totally dependent. Taking care of a child who requires real interaction (playing with the train) is not nearly as easy as sitting in front of a TV and I suspect when Grandpa is alone, he sits in front of the TV - a lot.
There was no need for several of you to get so up in arms b/c I suggested that there are ways to deal with this other than a big family discussion and putting the Grandparents on the spot. I have lived long enough to know that method rarely works. As I said earlier, why not ask the Grandparents if they realize that older child feels left out at times? See what they say.
Sometimes, as parents, we are overly sensitive. Now, maybe ALISS isn't. But it is something for ALISS to consider - that maybe the Grandparents are simply not equipped to be good at taking care of an older child. Maybe it has nothing to do with his being autistic. Just a thought!
And if she wishes to find out if they are deliberately (or even subconsciously) pushing older son aside . . . why not just ask them if they are aware that he feels left out? One does not have to make it a big family sit down or a situation where the Grandparents feel criticized.
I wish ALISS the best and hope she and her family can come to some understanding on this as it would be very sad for there to be a rift in the family when possibly -- this is something very simple to address -- without any need for hurt feelings from anyone, including her older child.
And we're not really sure what to do. When he was born, they were so proud. As time went on and bit became quite obvious he is autistic, they have no pride anymore. No photos, less visits, no comments. No pride. We've had another child since then, and they treat him ("normal child") different. They love his photos, they talk to him more, they offer to watch him - but not our other son. He's 1.5 - they love to brag how 'advanced' he is (not that this was anything we or they did!!?).
My son is not severely autistic, but he does talk like an 18 month old and needs diaper changes (he's 4). He's starting to be upset after they visit, I think he's starting to realize it
What do we say? We don't even know how to bring this up without causing a rift.
You are your child's first line of defense..His advocate. You have got to bring this up and the sooner the better. It may help to sit them down, and share with them some good books, or videos to help educate them.
It also will help if you model for them how to interact with your special needs child....Make sure that they see you treat both the same too. It can just be that the other ppl do not know how or what to do, and be a bit afraid of doing the wrong thing, so they avoid any interactions at all.
And, you already suspect that your son gets this, which could very well be true....All the more reason to do this soon.
Either way...if thy are unaccepting to the point you describe...You'll need to make a tough decision...because speaking from personal experience the absolute hardest thing for a special needs child is being made to feel "less than" it is the socializing experiences that affect every aspect of their lives, and if negative it stays with them forever.
I have a 30 year old son....multiple disabilities....not physical...which is almost harder in many ways...simply because someone may never think of treating a child whose disability is visible in an obvious hurtful way...might treat a child whose disability is not physical, because they expect "normal" different...Hard to explain....hope it is clear.
Aliss do they have any information or books on autism? I would suggest your husband start a regular dialogue with his parents on what is going on with your child. How he is progressing, expectations, what they could do to help, things like that. Perhaps he could send them a link such as this, it's chock full of info:
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and make this about me.
