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It is not fair to either child for the grandparents to dote on one child and ignore the other. The grandparents are punishing the ASD child for being different. The ASD child isn't stupid. Many ASD children have higher IQs and it has been shown that their brain works overtime, that is why they often seem disconnected from things~they are trying to preserve their sanity when they are overwhelmed.
Anyone not willing to love a child, for any reason, is just wrong. Not loving a child because they are different, is more wrong. The child did not ask to be born different. The children that are different already have enough challenges without people justifying their own bigotry because of differences.
ANYONE THAT THINKS IT IS OK TO ALIENATE A CHILD BECAUSE OF A DISABILITY IS MISSING A HUGE CHUNK OF THEIR HUMANITY. THAT IS THE WAY ANIMALS TREAT EACH OTHER.
So, anifani821;33558385, you feel that if you have a child with disabilities, that you can just turn them over to the government and walk away if you are just not cut out to take care of them? If you are not prepared to take care of a child with differences, then you should never have children in the first place because there are no guarantees that your child will be perfect. Actually, no child is perfect. Every child will try your patience. Just get sterilized and you won't have to worry about children challenging you.
Thank you, I for one appreciate your post. To me the mother is a beautiful human being and being a MOM. There is nothing wrong with expecting your children to be treated lovingly and the same. At least not so hurtful to the parents and the sweet child. So what he has a disability, he is a child and needs love and attention too. Seems like some will make this the Mom's problem no matter what. Lets just blame the child, his disability and the Mom. What is wrong with society and some people lately.
A Mom's job is to take care of, love and protect their children. She is looking out for her child's welfare, feelings and quite frankly the other child who might not want to see his sibling hurt or be part of that growing up. Good job Mom. Hugs
And we're not really sure what to do. When he was born, they were so proud. As time went on and bit became quite obvious he is autistic, they have no pride anymore. No photos, less visits, no comments. No pride. We've had another child since then, and they treat him ("normal child") different. They love his photos, they talk to him more, they offer to watch him - but not our other son. He's 1.5 - they love to brag how 'advanced' he is (not that this was anything we or they did!!?).
My son is not severely autistic, but he does talk like an 18 month old and needs diaper changes (he's 4). He's starting to be upset after they visit, I think he's starting to realize it
What do we say? We don't even know how to bring this up without causing a rift.
People treat others based on how they make them feel. Even though parents claim (or are encouraged) to love their children the same, they usually can't. You feel more for those from whom you receive something in return (in emotional feedback).
It's hard to feel things in return when dealing with an autistic child. The parents could be an exception because there is a program in most people (inside) which dictates that they should bond with their children, regardless anything.
But this program does not run in other people's hearts. So they can only respond based on the emotional feedback they receive from another. So I am assuming that the other child is giving them much more positive feedback, responds in more positive ways to them. Which makes them like him/her more.
Plus, there is another program that sometimes runs in people, stating that "healthy and normal" are the ones to be attracted to (to like them) and abnormal are the ones to stay away from.
People act based on the programs that run in them. You can't really change the program by telling the person to just behave differently.
What you need to do is to realize that it takes special people to deal with special children (like that) and don't expect that from everybody. And then you won't feel the rift. Because it's your own feelings which create the rift. You can only change yourself (if you want to fix a situation). You can't change how other people feel or behave.
We should all try to be nice to others no matter what. But we can't be forced to LIKE them, right?
People treat others based on how they make them feel. Even though parents claim (or are encouraged) to love their children the same, they usually can't. You feel more for those from whom you receive something in return (in emotional feedback).
It's hard to feel things in return when dealing with an autistic child. The parents could be an exception because there is a program in most people (inside) which dictates that they should bond with their children, regardless anything.
But this program does not run in other people's hearts. So they can only respond based on the emotional feedback they receive from another. So I am assuming that the other child is giving them much more positive feedback, responds in more positive ways to them. Which makes them like him/her more.
Plus, there is another program that sometimes runs in people, stating that "healthy and normal" are the ones to be attracted to (to like them) and abnormal are the ones to stay away from.
People act based on the programs that run in them. You can't really change the program by telling the person to just behave differently.
What you need to do is to realize that it takes special people to deal with special children (like that) and don't expect that from everybody. And then you won't feel the rift. Because it's your own feelings which create the rift. You can only change yourself (if you want to fix a situation). You can't change how other people feel or behave.
We should all try to be nice to others no matter what. But we can't be forced to LIKE them, right?
How many ASD children have you associated with? I have met many (1 in 50 children have an ASD) and not found one I didn't like.
It does not take "special people" to deal with children that have differences. It takes people that are human and are capable of loving another person. Since 1 in 50 children have ASD, if you think it takes "special people" then the odds are that EVERY OTHER person have better not have any children.
People treat others based on how they make them feel. Even though parents claim (or are encouraged) to love their children the same, they usually can't. You feel more for those from whom you receive something in return (in emotional feedback).
It's hard to feel things in return when dealing with an autistic child. The parents could be an exception because there is a program in most people (inside) which dictates that they should bond with their children, regardless anything.
But this program does not run in other people's hearts. So they can only respond based on the emotional feedback they receive from another. So I am assuming that the other child is giving them much more positive feedback, responds in more positive ways to them. Which makes them like him/her more.
Plus, there is another program that sometimes runs in people, stating that "healthy and normal" are the ones to be attracted to (to like them) and abnormal are the ones to stay away from.
People act based on the programs that run in them. You can't really change the program by telling the person to just behave differently.
What you need to do is to realize that it takes special people to deal with special children (like that) and don't expect that from everybody. And then you won't feel the rift. Because it's your own feelings which create the rift. You can only change yourself (if you want to fix a situation). You can't change how other people feel or behave.
We should all try to be nice to others no matter what. But we can't be forced to LIKE them, right?
Another thing, you seem to have bought into the myth that people with ASD are incapable of having feelings and caring about other people. BS! It is a lie. People with ASD have feelings. They get hurt, a lot. They can be the most loving people; no agendas or pretending. True love. Read some blogs by people with ASD or parents of children with ASD. You will see that ASD people feel and love.
Treat others as you want to be treated. The Golden Rule.
I would start with asking them if they have any questions about your older son's autism (or autism in general) because you've noticed they are not interacting with him as much as the younger son and you want to make sure they have any information they need to feel comfortable.
Often, people pull away from those with disabilities because they simply don't know or aren't comfortable with what to expect and with how they're supposed to interact. Sometimes, they just don't want to do the wrong thing. And yes, other times, it's just not as enjoyable and that can get in the way of treating someone equally, right or wrong, it happens, it's truth.
Going beyond that, touching on some of the things said, like it or not, people are animals and the things that make us "human", that set us "above" the rest of the animal kingdom in our minds, are things that don't always come naturally or easily. They can take work. They can be taught or not taught, developed or never developed. Things like compassion and patience and understanding.
These are things we've deemed human but they're not our nature. Yes, in much of the animal kingdom, an animal with a disability will be shunned and left for dead, and humans have evolved into a species that, relatively speaking, strives to uplift and protect its kind in spite of those ailments - to be accepting and loving instead of casting them aside.
But we need to acknowledge, that's how we've chosen to evolve. It's not our instinct any more than celibacy and many will still be at odds with it, will still cringe when they see a disfigurement, will still feel uncomfortable around the diseased, and yes, shy away from a child with special needs.
This isn't about people being heartless, it's about people, underneath it all, being driven by a nature that, like all natures, is drawn to normal, to healthy, to conformity, and it takes effort to condition that out of people for the good of human ideals like compassion and equality and even if you manage to do it in some aspects, odds are, you can't do it in all of them.
The very same person who says they don't understand how anyone can fail to love someone because they have a disorder might fail to love someone because of their weight or the color of their skin or the country they're from - so that understanding and patience has to go both ways.
Just as we want others to accept someone equally, treat them lovingly, not overlook them or think of them as less than just because they're disabled, we have to acknowledge that this isn't something that happens overnight for most people, even the best people with the best intentions, because, putting it bluntly, that's not natural.
But it is human and sometimes, humans need just as much of your patience and time to help them evolve and to get to a place where they can live up to the human expectations you have. If they can't do that, then you have every right to pull away, but don't pull away because you're just writing them off as horrible people. That's an excuse. Write them off because they've proven to be incapable of what you're asking once you've asked.
In short, do what Scarlet said and go from there. Try to serve as an intermediary to get them involved with your older child, make this transition easier for them, work together towards the same end, and if they just don't have it in them, cut 'em loose and tell them they don't have the right to love one child if they can't love the other and call it a day.
Because this...
Quote:
Not everyone is cut out to be patient and caring for a child that presents challenges.
... is true, whether people want to accept it or not. Not everyone will excel at every emotional human endeavor. If the grandparents are in this camp, walk away.
As an aside, just throwing this out there, but we often cry children, children, children! We expect people to be more loving and compassionate when it comes to children because they're children, but why? Why do we expect children to be given more affection and equality than we expect people to give other adults when adults were, at one point, the very children we tried to protect?
We blame few for avoiding the socially awkward guy in the office who doesn't quite express himself well and seems to be a little "off", but we blame everyone who did the same to him as a child. What are we protecting children for, loving them for, if not to become protected and loved adults who, in turn, protect and love the next generation?
Children aren't special because they're children, they're special because of what they can and will become if we help them, if we nurture them. They're special for what they'll put back into this world and what they'll make of it when we're gone. So as far as I'm concerned, anyone who regards/treats adults who are different or disabled or disfigured or mental as if they're "less than" yet turns around and scolds someone for doing it to a child is a hypocrite.
Last edited by cyberphonics; 02-20-2014 at 02:23 PM..
I fully understand that I cannot control people's behaviour, but I do think that I have a right to expect that one of my children is not treated "special" while the other is excluded for being "special".
Nobody else does this - it's just them. They have always been the type of parents to expect extraordinary behaviour (perfect grades, perfect career, perfect house) out of their child (only child), which he has done, and I can't help but wonder if the imperfect child is not something they are proud of, because they sure are proud of the "amazing" other one.
They probably do feel they don't know how to "deal" with your older child.
You are probably right - they may very well not feel "proud" of him.
People are not perfect, although some folks tend to think they can make their children perfect through high expectations and goals.
But . . . it is often the folks who expect perfection that get the most disappointed in life.
Few of us are "ideal" parents and thus, few will be "ideal" grandparents. In fact, having that ideal is bound to set us all up for at least partial failures as there is no such thing as a perfect or ideal human being.
Most of us are just trying to do our best. Many are just trying to "get through" life.
You should just ask them if they realize they are excluding your older child, then maybe they will realize they haven't done such a great job with showing him that they love him.
People who expect perfectionism are often rigid and don't know how to accept anything other than behaviors that reach their lofty standards. That is their problem but you can't change them. You may be able to get them to see the errors they may be quite unwittingly commiting.
In any case, it is not something that has to become a huge family issue, including alienating one's self and the children from them.
We are all on a journey. No handbooks! Some people are more resilient and seek out info. Others shun what they don't understand. Just as you expect the gparents to have more concern and patience for your older child, perhaps you should consider patience with them once you ask them if they realize your older child is not being shown much love and affection. Just a thought!
Do you expect a babysitter to dote on on child and ignore your other child? Both children notice. It is emotional abuse of the ignored child. Abuse is not good for the child's well being.
Because you expect grandparent to love your children, it is painful when you find out differently. Do you want that to happen to your child.
JUST BECAUSE A CHILD HAS ASD DOES NOT MEAN THE CHILD HAS NO FEELINGS. THEY HURT TOO BUT HAVE A HARDER TIME GIVING WORDS TO THAT PAIN.
You are way off on some personal agenda here . . . how you took what I said and made it into some sort of manifesto against what I wrote is beyond me.
Some folks simply aren't as capable of taking care of a child with special needs as others and some are even intimidated or frightened by the behaviors that special needs children sometimes display.
Take a breath. No one is trying to shuffle ASD children to the side or suggest they are incapable of human emotion. Geeezzz.
Yeah, I don't expect him to be awesome or anything, I know that he's older and that it wouldn't be easy to keep up with the kids, I guess I am just disappointed that he is so willing to get down and play with the baby, but not even talk to the older one at this point. He asked us to move here because he wanted to be a close grandpa, and we've been really let down. We've decided to move back home as a result (amongst so many other things related to the autism), it's just a big let down. I guess at least he's too young to really remember.
I have a child with Autism. I understand how much it hurts when people treat your child like they are sub-human.
Just because children with Autism cannot always communicate verbally very well, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt his feelings. It won't take long for him to see the differences in how he and his sibling are treated if he doesn't already.
This issue isn't going to go away. I think that your husband needs to initiate a conversation about this. Opening up a dialogue is either going to work or it isn't, but either way, your resentment will grow, your son will end up hurt, and it will cause a rift. If you try to talk about it with them, at least you tried.
They probably do feel they don't know how to "deal" with your older child.
You are probably right - they may very well not feel "proud" of him.
People are not perfect, although some folks tend to think they can make their children perfect through high expectations and goals.
But . . . it is often the folks who expect perfection that get the most disappointed in life.
Few of us are "ideal" parents and thus, few will be "ideal" grandparents. In fact, having that ideal is bound to set us all up for at least partial failures as there is no such thing as a perfect or ideal human being.
Most of us are just trying to do our best. Many are just trying to "get through" life.
You should just ask them if they realize they are excluding your older child, then maybe they will realize they haven't done such a great job with showing him that they love him.
People who expect perfectionism are often rigid and don't know how to accept anything other than behaviors that reach their lofty standards. That is their problem but you can't change them. You may be able to get them to see the errors they may be quite unwittingly commiting.
In any case, it is not something that has to become a huge family issue, including alienating one's self and the children from them.
We are all on a journey. No handbooks! Some people are more resilient and seek out info. Others shun what they don't understand. Just as you expect the gparents to have more concern and patience for your older child, perhaps you should consider patience with them once you ask them if they realize your older child is not being shown much love and affection. Just a thought!
So through all that, you seem to think it's perfectly fine for a grandparent to treat their grandson like a second class human because THEY don't feel comfortable and won't make an effort...and it's the Mom's fault when she stands up for her son?
It is not fair to either child for the grandparents to dote on one child and ignore the other. The grandparents are punishing the ASD child for being different. The ASD child isn't stupid. Many ASD children have higher IQs and it has been shown that their brain works overtime, that is why they often seem disconnected from things~they are trying to preserve their sanity when they are overwhelmed.
Anyone not willing to love a child, for any reason, is just wrong. Not loving a child because they are different, is more wrong. The child did not ask to be born different. The children that are different already have enough challenges without people justifying their own bigotry because of differences.
ANYONE THAT THINKS IT IS OK TO ALIENATE A CHILD BECAUSE OF A DISABILITY IS MISSING A HUGE CHUNK OF THEIR HUMANITY. THAT IS THE WAY ANIMALS TREAT EACH OTHER.
So, anifani821;33558385, you feel that if you have a child with disabilities, that you can just turn them over to the government and walk away if you are just not cut out to take care of them? If you are not prepared to take care of a child with differences, then you should never have children in the first place because there are no guarantees that your child will be perfect. Actually, no child is perfect. Every child will try your patience. Just get sterilized and you won't have to worry about children challenging you.
My grandparents had favorites and it had nothing to do with any disabilities since we didn't have any. No grandchildren were kept away from them because of this. The truth is, blood related or not, you like some people more than others and it's totally based on personalities and how you interact with that person. Some people will be loved less than others and that's just a fact of life. You may be related to someone you'd have nothing to do with if the family tree hadn't intervened. Life is not fair, whatever that means.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyberphonics
Often, people pull away from those with disabilities because they simply don't know or aren't comfortable with what to expect and with how they're supposed to interact. Sometimes, they just don't want to do the wrong thing. And yes, other times, it's just not as enjoyable and that can get in the way of treating someone equally, right or wrong, it happens, it's truth.
Going beyond that, touching on some of the things said, like it or not, people are animals and the things that make us "human", that set us "above" the rest of the animal kingdom in our minds, are things that don't always come naturally or easily. They can take work. They can be taught or not taught, developed or never developed. Things like compassion and patience and understanding.
These are things we've deemed human but they're not our nature. Yes, in much of the animal kingdom, an animal with a disability will be shunned and left for dead, and humans have evolved into a species that, relatively speaking, strives to uplift and protect its kind in spite of those ailments - to be accepting and loving instead of casting them aside.
But we need to acknowledge, that's how we've chosen to evolve. It's not our instinct any more than celibacy and many will still be at odds with it, will still cringe when they see a disfigurement, will still feel uncomfortable around the diseased, and yes, shy away from a child with special needs.
This isn't about people being heartless, it's about people, underneath it all, being driven by a nature that, like all natures, is drawn to normal, to healthy, to conformity, and it takes effort to condition that out of people for the good of human ideals like compassion and equality and even if you manage to do it in some aspects, odds are, you can't do it in all of them.
The very same person who says they don't understand how anyone can fail to love someone because they have a disorder might fail to love someone because of their weight or the color of their skin or the country they're from - so that understanding and patience has to go both ways.
Just as we want others to accept someone equally, treat them lovingly, not overlook them or think of them as less than just because they're disabled, we have to acknowledge that this isn't something that happens overnight for most people, even the best people with the best intentions, because, putting it bluntly, that's not natural.
But it is human and sometimes, humans need just as much of your patience and time to help them evolve and to get to a place where they can live up to the human expectations you have. If they can't do that, then you have every right to pull away, but don't pull away because you're just writing them off as horrible people. That's an excuse. Write them off because they've proven to be incapable of what you're asking once you've asked.
In short, do what Scarlet said and go from there. Try to serve as an intermediary to get them involved with your older child, make this transition easier for them, work together towards the same end, and if they just don't have it in them, cut 'em loose and tell them they don't have the right to love one child if they can't love the other and call it a day.
Because this...
... is true, whether people want to accept it or not. Not everyone will excel at every emotional human endeavor. If the grandparents are in this camp, walk away.
As an aside, just throwing this out there, but we often cry children, children, children! We expect people to be more loving and compassionate when it comes to children because they're children, but why? Why do we expect children to be given more affection and equality than we expect people to give other adults when adults were, at one point, the very children we tried to protect?
We blame few for avoiding the socially awkward guy in the office who doesn't quite express himself well and seems to be a little "off", but we blame everyone who did the same to him as a child. What are we protecting children for, loving them for, if not to become protected and loved adults who, in turn, protect and love the next generation?
Children aren't special because they're children, they're special because of what they can and will become if we help them, if we nurture them. They're special for what they'll put back into this world and what they'll make of it when we're gone. So as far as I'm concerned, anyone who regards/treats adults who are different or disabled or disfigured or mental as if they're "less than" yet turns around and scolds someone for doing it to a child is a hypocrite.
I couldn't agree more.
Last edited by trishguard; 02-20-2014 at 07:18 PM..
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