Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My I laws didn't come to our wedding, it took quite a few years for them to come around. Now they see me as a daughter, I encourage our contact with them & we have a pretty good relationship w all my in laws. It's been 25yrs since we got married but was a long road with them. I just recently had a talk with my sis in law that was around forgiveness (in general, just general talking), she then said she hopes she never did anything to make us feel she needs forgiveness. I told she did but forgiveness was granted too many years ago to count. She then asked why. Told her of numerous occasions of how she treated me & disrespected our marriage. I told her that I understand it was due to how she felt but really she was just following mom. & day's opinion vs her own true feelings. (She was married before we were, it's hubby's older sister). She was shocked when I pointed the things out & realized she did do those things & was very apologetic. Told her to not worry about it, it's in the past.
So for the sake I'd your baby & sanity...just go slow, but with an open heart, it's possible it will work out.
I would forgive, as others have said, but not forget. The forgiveness you do for you and your unborn child because carrying around resentments is toxic. You deserve a clean start to parenthood and your baby deserves a pure beginning to his life. As for not forgetting, I would welcome your parents back into your lives but gently make it clear that one slip or resist, biased, prejudicial remark will ban them immediately. Childbirth should be a time of joy. What better time is there to lay aside past hurts, reconcile and get on with all your lives?
This story is common. Most White women don't talk about how they are disowned and rejected by their own parents or other family members for marrying, and or having kids with Black men. They also don't talk about how their kids are either flat out rejected, or just simply tolerated by their own grandparents. Eight years is a very long time. I would make them wait eight long years before they could have a relationship with my child. They need to experience the pain that their racism has caused.
Yes, I think I can offer some insight since the same exact situation occurred in my family with my sister’s oldest child.
The situation is not as “serious†as yours since our parents never stopped talking to my sister.
My sister (twin) got pregnant at an early age (16) by a black man, he was not that much older than her, he was 17 at the time they met in HS.
My father was very much a bigot as well as prejudice. I did not know the entirety of why he was like this however he had been like this since we were old enough to understand.
The message was always, “You can be friends with black guys but never date them I do not want them in my home or in my familyâ€
When my sister became pregnant my father took it very hard, he kicked her out of the house in which my mother disproved but dad always had the last word, so my sister moved in with her boyfriend’s family. It was a very stressful time for our whole family.
I would have to sneak out and go over to visit, then finally I became open with it and just went and told dad he could kick me out too if he wanted but I would be damned if I stayed away from my sister and my soon to born nephew!
After my nephew was born? My dad seemed to change his views, he doted over him, adored him, loved him! He was the son he never had ( We were adopted and dad always wanted a boy)
As my nephew grew, and he saw him grow, his views started changing about black people. He told my mother one day and she told us ( Dad has a hard time communicating sometimes) “He is not what I expected, he is a gentle giant, ( My nephew stands 6’3.5) his spirit is so kind and loving, how can he be this way and be black? How could I have been so wrong?â€
You see the story was my dad grew up in the 40’s where segregation was in full power, he a son of migrant field workers in rural Texas where there were water fountains, bathrooms restaurants for “whites†and “Coloredâ€
My father recalls getting stuck in limbo, teased by the white kids as well as black kids, and being a minority as well? He fought a lot with blacks for limited rights.
My dad was very prejudice against whites and blacks but moreso blacks since most of his worst childhood experiences include strife with other black kids.
So in my dad blacks were the enemy and he was not going to allow them to poison his little girls.
I am not excusing my fathers behavior but I am understanding to his personal experiences.
And the power one little bi-racial 7.5 lb baby had on him was the best thing that could have happened to our family.
My nephew is the apple of my father’s eye. My sister made a lot of mistakes, found her way back and met a great guy and they moved out over 12 years ago and my nephew being so attached to my parents? Decided that he wanted to live with papa and grandma, my parents told my sister she was free to go but to please allow her son to stay with them.
My dad sent him to the best private schools, bought him everything he could ever want, gloated when he was in a 600.00 a month private HS and made first string in FB, “That’s my grandson†he would say to his friends on his cell phone when he would be playing ball and the other dad’s were keeping score!
My nephew graduated 3 years ago, he is now attending the Police Academy and my father being a captain in the dept of corrections could not be prouder. He still lives with my parents, my dad is teaching him how to spit shine his boots, giving him advice, my nephew is truly HIS son.
My nephews father? Left shortly after my nephew was born ( 3 years old) and my father has financially and emotionally been there for him.
My point? You do not have to trust your parents right now. I do not know your folks, I only know what you say and you have stated that they are masters of grand manipulation.
I would keep this in mind and allow them to enter your world and take it from there, people do change.
Babies have a way of bringing family together, especially young adults and their parents who have been estranged from one another
Your father is a perfect example of this - good for him
Yes, I think I can offer some insight since the same exact situation occurred in my family with my sister’s oldest child.
The situation is not as “serious†as yours since our parents never stopped talking to my sister.
My sister (twin) got pregnant at an early age (16) by a black man, he was not that much older than her, he was 17 at the time they met in HS.
My father was very much a bigot as well as prejudice. I did not know the entirety of why he was like this however he had been like this since we were old enough to understand.
The message was always, “You can be friends with black guys but never date them I do not want them in my home or in my familyâ€
When my sister became pregnant my father took it very hard, he kicked her out of the house in which my mother disproved but dad always had the last word, so my sister moved in with her boyfriend’s family. It was a very stressful time for our whole family.
I would have to sneak out and go over to visit, then finally I became open with it and just went and told dad he could kick me out too if he wanted but I would be damned if I stayed away from my sister and my soon to born nephew!
After my nephew was born? My dad seemed to change his views, he doted over him, adored him, loved him! He was the son he never had ( We were adopted and dad always wanted a boy)
As my nephew grew, and he saw him grow, his views started changing about black people. He told my mother one day and she told us ( Dad has a hard time communicating sometimes) “He is not what I expected, he is a gentle giant, ( My nephew stands 6’3.5) his spirit is so kind and loving, how can he be this way and be black? How could I have been so wrong?â€
You see the story was my dad grew up in the 40’s where segregation was in full power, he a son of migrant field workers in rural Texas where there were water fountains, bathrooms restaurants for “whites†and “Coloredâ€
My father recalls getting stuck in limbo, teased by the white kids as well as black kids, and being a minority as well? He fought a lot with blacks for limited rights.
My dad was very prejudice against whites and blacks but moreso blacks since most of his worst childhood experiences include strife with other black kids.
So in my dad blacks were the enemy and he was not going to allow them to poison his little girls.
I am not excusing my fathers behavior but I am understanding to his personal experiences.
And the power one little bi-racial 7.5 lb baby had on him was the best thing that could have happened to our family.
My nephew is the apple of my father’s eye. My sister made a lot of mistakes, found her way back and met a great guy and they moved out over 12 years ago and my nephew being so attached to my parents? Decided that he wanted to live with papa and grandma, my parents told my sister she was free to go but to please allow her son to stay with them.
My dad sent him to the best private schools, bought him everything he could ever want, gloated when he was in a 600.00 a month private HS and made first string in FB, “That’s my grandson†he would say to his friends on his cell phone when he would be playing ball and the other dad’s were keeping score!
My nephew graduated 3 years ago, he is now attending the Police Academy and my father being a captain in the dept of corrections could not be prouder. He still lives with my parents, my dad is teaching him how to spit shine his boots, giving him advice, my nephew is truly HIS son.
My nephews father? Left shortly after my nephew was born ( 3 years old) and my father has financially and emotionally been there for him.
My point? You do not have to trust your parents right now. I do not know your folks, I only know what you say and you have stated that they are masters of grand manipulation.
I would keep this in mind and allow them to enter your world and take it from there, people do change.
Thank you for offering such an insightful account of your own experience.
Not reading this thread all the way through, but as someone who has cut family members out for their craziness, I would say your decision is dependent entirely on certain things. (Incidentally, my grandparents only accepted my parents' marriage when I was on the way, so this isn't a foreign situation to me.)
1) Is the racism an anomaly in their behavior? Are they otherwise rational and functional people? Have they demonstrated previously that they are capable of transformative change? My grandparents objected to my father's marital history, his age and the fact that he was not Catholic. Once they got over those things (it took a few years), he was their most beloved son-in-law for many years.
2) What was your relationship with them like before? Were they loving and supportive parents? Do you miss them?
3) Are they capable of adding good things to your child's life?
4) Why are you feeling the way you do? What they did was a TERRIBLE thing. I can imagine no greater betrayal than the withdrawal of a parent's love for frivolous reasons. They hurt you. YOU are certainly the wronged party. If you feel uncomfortable with them or emotionally unsafe or just fragile, you are under no obligation to "bury the hatchet."
However, if they are otherwise good people except for being (supposedly) former racists (it happens), they will bring real love into your child's life, they will add positive things in general to your life, and you are simply hesitating out of a desire to punish them, consider reconciling, especially since your husband supports it.
Your notation about their capacity for manipulation is a red flag to me though. As is the fact that, well, they went ahead and cut you out of their lives for TWO YEARS. That's pretty crazy stuff.
Again, if you think they could bring good things into your child's life (and you and your husband's lives) and you are not simply holding back out of resentment, I think you give it a try. But if they're dysfunctional people and you are happy to not have them in your life, then you have every right to turn them away.
You know what, their racism isn't exactly a pattern of their customary behaviour. It only flared up when they found out I was dating a black man. The high school I attended was pretty diverse (a few Black, Asian and Latino kids) and I had a few friends from all races. My parents never had a problem with that. However, they were just friends. My husband was the first black person I dated. All the guys I'd dated prior meeting my husband had been white.
I think their racism was on a subconscious level and it was provoked to life with me getting with a black man. Kinda like a parent who thinks he/she doesn't really have a problem with gays, but then when their son/daughter comes out of the closet, all these suppressed feelings come out.
Growing up, my relationship could be tumultuous at times with them. My father had a lot of rifts with his mother and his brothers and sisters (a product of a long, convoluted history I won't delve into). This is where the manipulation comes in: I was close with my cousins (my father's siblings' kids) but at times, he and my mother would badmouth them and try to radiate the problems they had with the parents, on the children who I was close with. Which I found to be very cynical of them, because my cousins had nothing to do with all the drama.
But for the most part, even with their flaws, my parents were loving and supportive when I was growing up. Them completely distancing themselves from me when I and my husband when we were married was a tough pill to swallow.
My I laws didn't come to our wedding, it took quite a few years for them to come around. Now they see me as a daughter, I encourage our contact with them & we have a pretty good relationship w all my in laws. It's been 25yrs since we got married but was a long road with them. I just recently had a talk with my sis in law that was around forgiveness (in general, just general talking), she then said she hopes she never did anything to make us feel she needs forgiveness. I told she did but forgiveness was granted too many years ago to count. She then asked why. Told her of numerous occasions of how she treated me & disrespected our marriage. I told her that I understand it was due to how she felt but really she was just following mom. & day's opinion vs her own true feelings. (She was married before we were, it's hubby's older sister). She was shocked when I pointed the things out & realized she did do those things & was very apologetic. Told her to not worry about it, it's in the past.
So for the sake I'd your baby & sanity...just go slow, but with an open heart, it's possible it will work out.
Would it help to see a family counselor? You could work on grieving your
pain of the past, their "manipulative behaviors" and set a ground work
for the future. Both families may be healthier for this approach.
You know what, my husband suggested that the other night. We both think it would be a good idea in terms of making the first steps towards reconciliation.
Wow, You obviously picked a wonderful, loving husband. Share that w/ your folks...it will take awhile for them to gain your trust. But, again...You have a loving husband...who cares what color anyone is...You are a lucky woman. You know what they are like, forewarned is forearmed...You will pull the plug if they step over that line so that you can protect your very caring and forgiving husband and his family. Have a wonderful baby. Blessings to you, your husband and your family.
You know what, my husband suggested that the other night. We both think it would be a good idea in terms of making the first steps towards reconciliation.
And, um, your husband sounds kind of amazing. How could they object to you marrying someone who seems so warm, rational and loving?
Go ahead and see if you can reconcile with your parents. You've already got the cake - a healed relationship with them would just be the icing.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
