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exactly. I seen situations like this one too many times. Where the white grandparents treat the biracial children like garbage (not saying they all do that, but the ones that have a problem with it in the first place, don't change). I couldn't give two craps about 'fair weather' friends or parents, if I were you.
Please don't listen to this^^^. It is GREAT to hear that someone is so family oriented, respects his own family and is willing to take people who acted nasty toward him and your union in the past with open arms. Says a lot about the kind of husband he is. Shows he values family over everything and is more concerned with the entire picture rather than letting old feelings fester.
Sounds like you met the perfect guy for you, you guys have what will most likely be a beautiful baby on the way, and the family is coming back together. Tread lightly and never forget, but if the parents want back in, it would be great to patch things up and discuss things BEFORE the bundle of joy is bought to you by the stork.
Thank goodness there are more positive responses than negative ones. I say take the high road and allow them back in. People can change and furthermore, now that you are about to become a parent you are going to learn over the years especially when your child gets older, that parents are NOT perfect! I've seen wonderful loving parents have very selfish kids and it wasn't because they learned it from the parents! And as a mother of all boys, let me tell you this, you had better hope that your son marries a woman who has a loving kind heart! No matter how much as a parent you may have loved them, sacrificed for them, been at their ball games, school plays, IF they marry a woman who has a hard heart or you don't measure up to her specs, then you are going to be in for some very tearful days especially when their children come along. The woman definitely has alot of influence over a relationship with the inlaws! So, take some advice from me, be mature about this. I'm a woman and I know that when we are younger, we can add too much drama into the picture. Now that I am older and my mother is gone, I would give anything to have another day with her and we use to buck horns! It is not easy being a parent, and when your baby is given to you, they do not give you a manual on how to raise children! Good Luck.
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Family is family. Baby will grow up wondering why grandparents on one side aren't there. They WANT to be in their life and the husband is willing to accept them with open arms. It's the right thing to do. You forgive, don't forget, and if they mess up again, give the boot or keep them at bay until they learn.
People can change
Last edited by 7G9C4J2; 09-30-2012 at 12:10 PM..
Reason: deleted off-topic portion
Moderator cut: snip Family is family. Baby will grow up wondering why grandparents on one side aren't there. They WANT to be in their life and the husband is willing to accept them with open arms. It's the right thing to do. You forgive, don't forget, and if they mess up again, give the boot or keep them at bay until they learn.
People can change
Wonderful and well said. Let's hope she is mature enough to accept our good advice and you know what, her husband knows the story between her and the parents. Do you think he would be willing to allow harm to come to his family? I bet he has sorted it all out in his mind. It sounds like she is very lucky to have such a great guy, as his loving nature hopefully will be a good influence on their children.
Last edited by 7G9C4J2; 09-30-2012 at 12:11 PM..
Reason: Removed off-topic portion of quoted text
Wonderful and well said. Let's hope she is mature enough to accept our good advice and you know what, her husband knows the story between her and the parents. Do you think he would be willing to allow harm to come to his family? I bet he has sorted it all out in his mind. It sounds like she is very lucky to have such a great guy, as his loving nature hopefully will be a good influence on their children.
This is what I am saying becuase the husband has every right to be bitter more than the wife (though she has a reason to be upset), but if they come out and realize how dumb they are, it gives the entire family a chance to bond and work things out. The husband would be the one setting the real example. This guy is a stand up guy.
This story is common. Most White women don't talk about how they are disowned and rejected by their own parents or other family members for marrying, and or having kids with Black men. They also don't talk about how their kids are either flat out rejected, or just simply tolerated by their own grandparents. Eight years is a very long time. I would make them wait eight long years before they could have a relationship with my child. They need to experience the pain that their racism has caused.
Cutting a long story short: I'm white, and when I was eighteen and in college, I started dating a black man from my class. My parents vehemently disapproved, but we stayed together through all the stuff they threw at us. We got married when we were 24. My parents weren't present at the wedding. In fact, they weren't present for anything between I and my husband. Two years on from the wedding and I'm pregnant. We're having a baby boy and we're very much excited.
A couple of weeks ago I get a housecall from my mom and dad after the longest time ever. They heard I was pregnant and they said they had been stupid, they wanted to bury the hatchet, to leave things in the past and to move on as a family. Naturally I was shocked, and skeptical. My husband, however, comes from a strong family unit, and he's a very loving, gentle kind of man. He welcomed the idea with open arms.
Me? Not so sure. I know my parents and at times they can have a capacity for manipulation. I have heard several stories of parents who didn't approve of interracial relationships realising how stupid they've been and coming round after the grandkids are born, but it just seems too good to be true for me. My husband harbours completely different thoughts. He wants them in our lives. I'm kinda stuck in the middle. After everything that happened in the last eight years, I just find it difficult to trust them.
Are there any people out there who have been in a similar situation or have any constructive thoughts?
Thank you.
Yes, I think I can offer some insight since the same exact situation occurred in my family with my sister’s oldest child.
The situation is not as “serious” as yours since our parents never stopped talking to my sister.
My sister (twin) got pregnant at an early age (16) by a black man, he was not that much older than her, he was 17 at the time they met in HS.
My father was very much a bigot as well as prejudice. I did not know the entirety of why he was like this however he had been like this since we were old enough to understand.
The message was always, “You can be friends with black guys but never date them I do not want them in my home or in my family”
When my sister became pregnant my father took it very hard, he kicked her out of the house in which my mother disproved but dad always had the last word, so my sister moved in with her boyfriend’s family. It was a very stressful time for our whole family.
I would have to sneak out and go over to visit, then finally I became open with it and just went and told dad he could kick me out too if he wanted but I would be damned if I stayed away from my sister and my soon to born nephew!
After my nephew was born? My dad seemed to change his views, he doted over him, adored him, loved him! He was the son he never had ( We were adopted and dad always wanted a boy)
As my nephew grew, and he saw him grow, his views started changing about black people. He told my mother one day and she told us ( Dad has a hard time communicating sometimes) “He is not what I expected, he is a gentle giant, ( My nephew stands 6’3.5) his spirit is so kind and loving, how can he be this way and be black? How could I have been so wrong?”
You see the story was my dad grew up in the 40’s where segregation was in full power, he a son of migrant field workers in rural Texas where there were water fountains, bathrooms restaurants for “whites” and “Colored”
My father recalls getting stuck in limbo, teased by the white kids as well as black kids, and being a minority as well? He fought a lot with blacks for limited rights.
My dad was very prejudice against whites and blacks but moreso blacks since most of his worst childhood experiences include strife with other black kids.
So in my dad blacks were the enemy and he was not going to allow them to poison his little girls.
I am not excusing my fathers behavior but I am understanding to his personal experiences.
And the power one little bi-racial 7.5 lb baby had on him was the best thing that could have happened to our family.
My nephew is the apple of my father’s eye. My sister made a lot of mistakes, found her way back and met a great guy and they moved out over 12 years ago and my nephew being so attached to my parents? Decided that he wanted to live with papa and grandma, my parents told my sister she was free to go but to please allow her son to stay with them.
My dad sent him to the best private schools, bought him everything he could ever want, gloated when he was in a 600.00 a month private HS and made first string in FB, “That’s my grandson” he would say to his friends on his cell phone when he would be playing ball and the other dad’s were keeping score!
My nephew graduated 3 years ago, he is now attending the Police Academy and my father being a captain in the dept of corrections could not be prouder. He still lives with my parents, my dad is teaching him how to spit shine his boots, giving him advice, my nephew is truly HIS son.
My nephews father? Left shortly after my nephew was born ( 3 years old) and my father has financially and emotionally been there for him.
My point? You do not have to trust your parents right now. I do not know your folks, I only know what you say and you have stated that they are masters of grand manipulation.
I would keep this in mind and allow them to enter your world and take it from there, people do change.
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And yes I come from success. and yes my dad was an ugly man with ugly views that gratefully did not extend to his children.
And yes it took a life changing event for him to realize that HIS VIEWS WERE WRONG.
Had it not happened? He may still be that bitter man wrongfully blaming an entire group for the ills of a few.
My father has more than well made up for it and his views are true and sincere, So it seems as we have differing views and have different advice...so be it.
But I felt it was my duty to tell the OP that things may be not as they appear and there is hope. And her husband has given his blessing and this shows character , this could also be a blessing.
Last edited by 7G9C4J2; 09-30-2012 at 12:12 PM..
Reason: orphaned portion removed
I say give them a chance. They may never fully "get it" but they sound as if they are willing to try. My father was perfectly fine with my sister marrying a black man. My mother was fine as long as it happened to someone else, but when her own daughter married outside her race, she suddenly got very nervous. She said things like, "I'm resigned to the fact that someday I will have a black grandchild", which got back to my BIL, who at the time said, "I will see to it that she never sees her black grandchild." But, as time passed and it became apparent that my sister was infertile and they chose to adopt a child with a white birth mother and a black birth father, a lot of the hard feelings had worked themselves out, and things got better.
My mother still inserts her foot in her mouth from time to time. My biracial niece is now 24. She was visiting my mom and wanted to know the best way to get to my other niece's house. My mother told her "Don't cut through Paterson, because you'll have to go through that black section..." and my niece laughed, and said, "Grandma, I AM black." My mother said, "Oh, but you know what I mean--it's a bad neighborhood there (which it is, moreso at night, but my mother and I and everyone else still take that route during daylight hours--it's the shortest way.) Sometimes my mother says things before she thinks, and that black neighborhood automatically = "bad neighborhood" is one of those things she doesn't realize she's saying that is offensive. At 83, I doubt she is going to change. You might find the same things happen with your parents.
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