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My vacations were having the house to my self, and still working, while every one else went on vacation some where else.
We had no fancy cars or toys, fact is our first computer was a hand me down and a Timex sinclare 1000, wasn't actually the state of the art at the time. .
Her parents were not even middle class and living in a trailer and free rent when we got married. but when she was much younger they were very well off having boats and planes an a fairly affluent life style I did not learn of till long after we had been married .
In some ways I think she may have resented not having the wealth her parent had at one time I did not provide her.
She worked at jobs that I found for her and made more than I did, which made the situation less comfortable.
I did not support her buying junk food and reading romance novels all day when there was work to be done around the house.
In stead of fighting, I confined my efforts to the out side of the house and my jobs . Talking to a counselor was out of the question.
We had a nice place in the country but she complained that her friends never came to visit ,so we bought a place in the town and her friends still never came to visit .
I had friends seeing me all the time . Good people, not bums .
some of my friends were in church and work and amateur radio club, and in the Sheriffs department .
Before we were married I though we had a lot in common, and a lot of the same goals in life ,and even worked together for the same organization for a season in a field we both had our eye on .
But her heart was not honestly there, and a lot of things we discussed were not actually true with her as i had learned, but we tried to make it in spite of the issues .
That's why honesty is such a big deal to me and counseling young folk about marriage .
If a guy says I'm into bike riding , and as a girl anxious to befriend him, you lie, and say to your self "I can learn that " and lie about being a avid bike rider; your cheating your self and him .
There were other secrets my wife kept from me, I didn't figure out till many years later , I should have been made aware of from the beginning.
I had hoped things would change ,and after the kids were grown we separated.
I am a widower now and am happy to be living alone ,I seriously doubt that I will ever choose to get tied up like that ever again, especially at my age.
My first marriage lasted 10 years EXACTLY. I'm a woman. I knew it was over when I noticed he was spending a lot of time on the phone in another room. I knew when he stopped kissing me goodbye before he left the house. I knew when I hurt myself in the garage, fell, screamed, dropped a case of glass bottles (loud crash) and he was in the next room and he didn't even come to see what happened or if I was bleeding to death. He was on the phone. I knew when I was looking for a friend's number in his address book and found a number under M with no name next to it. I knew when he had me served on our 10th anniversary. All this happened over about a 30 day period. One month relationship destroys a 10 year marriage. I offered him a chance to give her up and work on it, he said no.
My second marriage is with a guy who said he'd never marry. I was okay with that and we had a wonderful relationship. After 8 years together, after moving in together, after buying a home together, he completely surprised me with a proposal and we just celebrated ten years of marriage. After 18 years together, we are still very happy, best friends, and very open about our needs for together time and alone time. We share some hobbies and we have some separately. I never worry that he is where he says he is. I never worry if he's with friends without me. We know each others limits. We are enjoying the best retirement together, constantly making plans for the future, and standing by each other through the hard times of losing loved ones, and the celebrations of our families. Marriage is a great thing when you really know the person BEFORE you march down that aisle.
I don't understand why people don't get it. Treat your spouse/SO/friend, the way you want to be treated.
I think that is the problem a lot of the time. Not everyone wants to be treated the same. Some people are more outgoing/social and some are more reserved. If you have a marriage with one person of each type (VERY common) then treating the person the way you'd want to be treated just flat out won't work.
It's about so much more than just how you generally treat them. Many of these men figured "I'm not hitting her or yelling at her, and she can do what she wants, she must enjoy that, sounds good to me..."
Many of these men (and women that are dumped) figured everything was fine and assumed this routine they've been caught in is simply the rest of their life. That's why they are surprised when it happens. It's almost never just a case of 'you aren't treating me the way I want to be treated' and they're gone. These cases pretty much all involved pathetic communication, meaning the person left behind may have been treating their S/O like royalty in their mind.
I'm not trying to single you out personally but the example compromise you provide is quite common and I find it interesting when I compare each side of it:
The compromise from the man's point of view:
He's spending much time with her, not liking it, at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. compared to
He's spending much time without her, liking it, having his space and quiet time.
Why does he accept this as a compromise? Why does he not expect her to accompany him on something he likes but she doesn't like? Instead, he'd rather omit her and she also is fine with that?
Where is the compromise where she has do something that he likes while she is the one to nod her head and say "yeah" or "uh-huh" several hundred times? Where is her contribution?
The same compromise from her point of view:
Deep down she knows he doesn't like spending time with her at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, but she appreciates he's there. In exchange, she gives him time she knows he likes, away from her.
Sounds generous on her part, but it's sneaky. I know women know this.
She comes out ahead on this "compromise". He gives of himself to her but she does not give of herself to him. She merely fills the time he is away from her with something she didn't want him there for, anyway. She does not endure one of his activities so he can appreciate that she is there. She does not give of herself equivalently.
I explained this once to my girlfriend, when she had offered me a similar "compromise", and she got really pissed off at me. I tried to hold her to a fair compromise, one that was balanced in terms of effort from each person, that she should give to me the same effort that she expected me to give to her. Hoo boy, she tried her best wordsmithing skills to talk me out of it but I had her dead to rights. She owed me her effort and we both knew it.
The hilarious thing is, the man in this situation would rather not have her come along. Am I right? (Let's discuss any inherent toxicity of this at another time.) That's why these arrangements, these compromises, are acceptable and never are examined for this imbalance.
Just talkin'.
None of this sounds like a good 'compromise' to me. Why should the man OR woman be forced to do something he or she doesn't want to? If I have to go shopping for something, I hate shopping myself, so why would I force him to go?? If we both need something, he drops me off at my store, and he goes into his store. Then we meet up. Or, I'll go alone. And on Sunday, when I'm sick of football, I go into the other room and watch what I want or read. We never make each other feel 'forced' to do anything. Quite honestly, I can't stand it when he comes along to the store & pouts...same goes for me being dragged along to home depot or dicks sporting goods. So why go in the first place?
I think what's really important, is the fact that we each have our own things that we enjoy, while we have other things that we enjoy together. Sure, there are times when we disagree on what we want to do that day, but in the end, it's ok if you're not together 24/7. Friday night, I like a glass of wine & Netflix, he likes kareoke with our friends...and that's fine. If I don't feel like being alone on Friday night, I either come along or tell him I want to do a 'date night.' Life is grand.
Last edited by jrsydevil82; 09-28-2015 at 12:45 PM..
I was wondering how long it would take for the female blame game to start.
Ask ANY cheating woman why she cheated and she will say "neglect"...they will have a reason whether its there or not
ive seen plenty of men give it everything they have and she is still never happy...its never enough
if a woman makes marriage too much work, then its just easier to work a few more hours to afford a maid and hookers...phhhttttttt...a relationship needs work, but it shouldn't be all consuming 24/7 work...who the hell would sign up for that
I don't understand why people don't get it. Treat your spouse/SO/friend, the way you want to be treated.
So bizarre to read that. My ex said that CONSTANTLY when he was out with people. "I treat people the way I want to be treated." Really? Then people should get drunk around him all the time, take his money, punch him in the head, call him names, mooch off of him instead of contributing to costs of living...but only after a period of being attentive and telling him that they love him as a setup.
I'm sure most people say that with better intent, but I have a cynical reaction to that phrase!
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 09-28-2015 at 01:42 PM..
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wow that was a thoughtful article
