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My parents were married for 57 years before my dad died. For her entire marriage, she stubbornly clung to the tiny little diamond that was all that my dad could afford for her ring when they were first married. As the years went by and he became successful, he wanted to replace the ring with a bigger one. She said no. They would have this argument every couple of years or so, and she'd refuse the bigger diamond ring, but told him that if he wished to buy her a cocktail ring or any other jewelry, she would love it and certainly wear it, but NOT THAT RING.
One days, as a teenager, I asked her why on earth she didn't want a bigger, flashier ring. She just smiled and said, "Because, every time I look at this ring, it's a reminder that it was all your dad had in the world at the time, and yet, he gave it to me. I look at that ring and think about how far we've come, and how hard he has worked for us. I'm never giving this ring up."
When she just stopped spending time with me after we moved cross country closer to her family. She curled up on the couch with the dog and the tv and there she sat for five years while I saw things and did things....all the while wishing she was with me.
My parents were married for 57 years before my dad died. For her entire marriage, she stubbornly clung to the tiny little diamond that was all that my dad could afford for her ring when they were first married. As the years went by and he became successful, he wanted to replace the ring with a bigger one. She said no. They would have this argument every couple of years or so, and she'd refuse the bigger diamond ring, but told him that if he wished to buy her a cocktail ring or any other jewelry, she would love it and certainly wear it, but NOT THAT RING.
One days, as a teenager, I asked her why on earth she didn't want a bigger, flashier ring. She just smiled and said, "Because, every time I look at this ring, it's a reminder that it was all your dad had in the world at the time, and yet, he gave it to me. I look at that ring and think about how far we've come, and how hard he has worked for us. I'm never giving this ring up."
if more women thought the way your mom did, the divorce rate would plummet...down...
kudos to her for recognizing whats important and what isn't
Do you all think your own parents' marriage is helpful for your own marriage ?
My parents are true role models. The family and each other were put first most of the time (within reason) and both were commited to each other by choice. They are always generous, nice, respectful to each other. They also have no extreme bad behaviors or addictions, etc. Good character people. They also are really dull and boring, heh.
My marriage was brief (husband passed away young) but before marriage we did the premarital counseling thing. I think it is valuable for everyone. I also insisted we do a counseling re-visit every year or two years - just to stay on track with an impartial third party. Seems almost all couples wait until their marriage is in the toilet before they go for counseling. We needed space to speak without judgment.
My husband insisted he would always be there and a good spouse to me - BUT I had to remind him more than once that he was in the chemical rush of love and i would wear off LOL. We needed to have a firm friendship, common goals, etc in place.
Really, how many 'crazy in love/lust' ppl realize that it will likely wear off and your marriage will be more about ho hum grown up stuff? You better be prepared for it once the love drug wears off.
And love is nice, but, depending on how you are built and who you fall for, it won't necessarily be enough - especially as the years go by.
Some of the revealing quotes from Puffington Host reader men are truly pathetic:
4. "The moment of revelation for me was when I told my now ex-wife, 'It's OK to see the man you've been seeing on the side. Once you get it out of your system, I'll be here in the marriage when you come back. Do what you need to do.' She didn't respond -- she just sort of sighed. I really knew it was over when she finally agreed to see a marriage counselor and he convinced my ex-wife to tell me she wanted a divorce." -- Chris B.
6. "After my wife told me she was pregnant with someone else's child, I made a vow to raise the unborn child as my own. In the beginning, she was on board. Later, the harder I tried, the quicker she'd run back to the other man. Then one day, the best couples therapist money could buy asked her, 'Do you want to make it work?' Her answer was no. That was the moment I realized I'd done everything I could to save the marriage." -- Vidal C.
9. "I knew my marriage was over the day I got arrested for protesting and trying to prove my life mattered as a black man. At the time, I joked with friends that my wife would probably divorce me for protesting. We laughed, but deep down there was an unsettling reality to what I had said. Safety and security meant everything to my wife and she wasn't happy when I told her I wanted to protest. As a black man married to a white woman, it was extremely difficult to describe to her that my sense of security rested in my humanity -- something that wasn't being acknowledged by society. I thought she wouldn't want to stay around for this part of my life. She could choose to ignore it because of her race. The reality for me was that I couldn't." -- Gregory C.
11. "We were watching fireworks on July 4th. My wife and I had bickered that day over how many hot dogs our sons should be allowed to eat. 'Eating hot dogs on the 4th of July is a birthright of all Americans,' I’d said, less than half in jest. 'You have no idea what’s in them,' she’d said, 'Except nitrites. Which cause cancer.' 'It's a hot dog!' I responded. Then the battle shifted to condiments. After that, we watched the fireworks. Initially, the fireworks were silent. Light travels faster than sound so you see the light before you hear it. Then it struck me that this was happening in our marriage: I could see it exploding." -- James B
Marriages based on the kinds of compromises mentioned above don't sound like fun to me. Is this *really* what some of you regard as a good marriage? Personally, I'd hate it!
Because I'm not as mobile as I'd like to be (I require a wheelchair), my husband has to take me to the hairdressers a couple of times a year to have my hair trimmed. I know that's not his favorite place to hang out (I cut his hair, so there's no chance for quid pro quo in this instance), but he does it because he does like doing anything that will make me happy or feel better about myself, and I do the same for him.
GIVING to the person you love is a good feeling, in keeping with the 'It's better to give than to receive' saying.
When you love someone, it's normal to want to make them happy, to serve them, and to put their needs/wants before your own (if there's any conflict of interests), is it not?
How can a couple be happily married if one or both is (to quote you) 'pi$$ed off,' or if one or both feel they're always compromising, instead of simply taking care of the other's wants/needs with love?
I'm interested in hearing how people feel about the give and take of it all.
Shalom,
Mahrie.
Mahrie, I have enjoyed all of your posts in this thread, especially the bolted part above.
I am so extremely fortunate to be in a very happy marriage. We live the kinds of principles you stated, particularly wanting to make the other person happy.
My first marriage (25 years, 3 kids) always felt like a competition: who worked harder, who had more free time, who was spending more money, who was being more selfish. We brought out the worst in each other, we frequently argued, he would yell and I would cry, we had no real respect for each other. You can guess that didn't lead to a very healthy sex life.
My second marriage (we've been together 8 years, married 5) is a complete cooperation. In a nutshell, we bring out the BEST in each other. We cherish, respect, and adore each other. We laugh so much, we send loving text messages throughout the day, we try new things together (even if only one of us wants to, we end up having a great time because we are together), we have a great sex life. Every single day I am aware of how lucky I am to be with this wonderful man, and he feels (and expresses) the same to me. Never has one of us raised our voice to the other, never have we argued, said anything condescending, or been rude in any way to the other.
Being in a bad marriage is a horrible way to live, so I understand why some people simply give up on marriage and decide to stay single.
But.....when two people truly love each other, are devoted to the other person's happiness and the happiness of the marriage, and they bring out the best in each other....there is no drug that gives a better high!!!
I don't understand why people don't get it. Treat your spouse/SO/friend, the way you want to be treated.
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