[sandgirl]

A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.

"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag, and proceeded to pay in cash.

[sandgirl]

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.

"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

[Rainbow Island]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class:

'Which human body part increases to ten times its original size when stimulated?'


No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going
To tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,

'Which body part increases to 10 times its original size when stimulated?'


Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,


Anybody?'


Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.


Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.


'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'

[Rainbow Island]

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and has an accident in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[Rainbow Island]

[SIZE=2]It's Official![/SIZE]

There will be NO Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity
Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been
able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

The search for a Virgin also seems hopeless.

There was no problem, however, finding enough *****es to fill the stable.

[Rainbow Island]

Near Fredericksburg , Texas , where there is a large
German-speaking population, a farmer walking down
a country road notices a man drinking from his pond
with his hand. The farmer shouted:'Trink das wasser
nicht. Die kuhen haben dahingesheissen.'

Which means: 'Don't drink the water,
the cows have s*** in it.'

The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York
and am just down here campaigning for Obama's
health care plan and gun control legislation,
I can't understand you. Please speak in English.'




The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

[Rainbow Island]

The Nuns and The BlindMan

Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in a convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint all nude. After a while busy painting, there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

[Nomadicus]

Definition of a federal politician: Someone with the best healthcare, the best retirement system, and gets a very large salary and lots of vacation only to fix what is not broke.

[Suncoast Guy]

In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture.. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.

"What's that in the corner Kathy?" asked the teacher.

"That's their TV, of course," replied Kathy.

[Suncoast Guy]

At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.

The American said; "I can't stand it sometimes, "We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS." "I know what you mean," said the German "We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria." "We don't have that problem in our country," said the Russian doctor. "When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease."