[Suncoast Guy]

A debt-overwhelmed man, hopelessly poring over a pile of bills, suddenly shouted "I'd give a thousand dollars to anyone who would do my worrying for me!"

"You're on," said his wife. "Where is the thousand?"

"That is your first worry," he replied.

[alicejb]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

[Suncoast Guy]

In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation.

"Where are you from?" the one asked.

"I'm from Alpha Century," he answered. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Earth" was the answer.

"I know someone from earth," the Alpha Centurion said. "John Smith. Do you know him?"

[sandgirl]

Small boy explaining the broken front window to a policeman: "I was cleaning my slingshot and it went off."

[sandgirl]

RITCHIE: (at baseball game): Can I give money to that man who's crying?

FATHER: That's very kind of you, son. What's he crying about?

RITCHIE: "Hot dogs! Peanuts! Popcorn!"

[sandgirl]

"What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?"

"The slightest noise wakes me up."

[sandgirl]

Quite a scare in Washington, D.C. today. Police were called to the White House. Apparently President Obama was in a meeting with some potential Cabinet nominees when someone noticed a suspicious- looking document on the table that no one had ever seen before. Turns out it was just a tax form.

[sandgirl]

The lady was one of the new rich and, not wishing to appear a snob, invited her old friends to the house. She was now taking them on a tour of the establishment and had reached the room where they would dine that evening. These knives and forks are solid silver," she said, "Even the chains they're fastened to have real emeralds."

[sandgirl]

The lawyer was petitioning the court for a new trial. "Why do you want a new trial?" the judge asked.

"On the grounds of newly discovered evidence, your honor."

"What is the nature of it?"

"My client has dug up $400 I didn't know he had."

[Suncoast Guy]

What did the idiot do with the flea in his ear?

He shot it!

What do you call the flea that lives in the idiot's ear?

The space invader!