[Suncoast Guy]

Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.

"I've left the tickets on it."

[Suncoast Guy]

Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!

[arkand]

Two Sweds, Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "panty stitcher". "I sew the elastic onto cotton panties". The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300.00 a week. When Sven went in and was asked his occupation, he replied "Diesel Fitter". Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600.00 a week. When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back to the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting twice as much as he was getting. The clerk calmly explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were classified as skilled labor. "What Skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls it over his head and says ..."Yep, diesel fitter."

[Suncoast Guy]

Did you ever notice?

When you put the two words

"The" and "IRS" together

it spells "THEIRS"?

[Suncoast Guy]

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which the oldest profession was. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think created the chaos?"

[Suncoast Guy]

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"

"Yes Sir!" was the reply

"Then what would you say to Mama?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"

He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

[Rainbow Island]

A teacher poses the following problem to one of his classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

[Suncoast Guy]

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.

First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman: I know.

First one: How?

Second one: My dog told me.

[sandgirl]

Subject: Obama's Healthcare Plan


TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."
5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

[Rainbow Island]

The madam opened the brothel door in CARY and saw a rather dignified,
>> well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
>> 'May I help you sir?' she asked.'I want to see Valerie,' the man
>> replied.
>> 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
>> prefer someone else', said the madam.
>>
>> 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
>> Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged
>> $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
>> dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,
>> the man calmly left.
>>
>> The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
>> Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights
>> in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The
>> price was still $5,000.
>>
>> Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
>> upstairs. After an hour, he left, THIS TIME LOOKING SOMEWHAT
>> SATIATED..
>>
>> The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
>> astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid
>> Valerie and they went upstairs.
>>
>> After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been
>> with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
>>
>> The man replied, WILMINGTON...
>>
>> 'Really,' she said. 'I have family in WRIGHTSVILLE BEACH...
>>
>> 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She
>> asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
>>
>> The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
>> 1. Death
>> 2. Taxes
>> 3. Being screwed by a lawyer