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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster.
'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife say.....
159 years ago . . .
California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. .
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very
excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies
and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the
customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious
success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was
next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to
everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very
good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's
turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the
front of the classroom and dumped a
box full of cash on the teacher's
desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world
were you selling"
"Toothbrushes," said Little
Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,
"How could you
possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the
busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I
gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same
thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog s ***!"
Then I would say,"It is dog s***. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
I used the government approach of giving
everyone something they think they want and then charging them for cleaning up
the mess I caused.
This one is pretty tasteless but I'm posting it anyway. Sorry.
The Tree Hugger
A San Franciscan was hiking in Bueno Vista park and came upon a naked guy with his hands handcuffed around a big tree, shiverring. As he aproached him a look of relief was on the guys face as he exclaimed, "Thank god you came, I thought I was going to die out here".
"What happened to you?" asked the guy.
"Well.. I was hiking out here when I came across this guy hugging this tree with his ear held closely up to it. When I asked him what he was doing he said that if you hug a tree with genuine love in your heart, you can hear a harmonic resonance of the tree loving you back. He asked me to try it. So when I tried it, he snuck around the tree and handcuffed me to it. Then he took all my clothes and my wallet, and left me here to die...until you showed up...thank god."
The guy walked slowely around behind him undoing his belt buckle, grinning, "This just ain't your lucky day!"
Summer Classes for Women at
>THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
>
>REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
>By Sat., June 19, 2010
>
>NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
>CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
>
>Class 1
>Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step,
>with Slide Presentation.
>Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
>
>Class 2
>Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or B*tching
>About It for 3 Hours?
>Round Table Discussion.
>Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
>
>Class 3
>Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
>Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
>
>Class 4
>Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and
>Explanatory Graphics.
>Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
>
>Class 5
>Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
>Examples on Video.
>Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM
>
>Class 6
>How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
>Help Line Support and Support Groups.
>Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
>
>Class 7
>Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
>Open Forum.
>Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
>
>Class 8
>Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - YOU CAN USE IT!
>Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
>
>Class 9
>I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
>Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
>
>Class 10
>How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance
>Claim.
>Driving Simulations.
>4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
>
>Class 11
>Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers
>Through the Windshield .
>Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
>
>Class 12
>How to Shop and use Restrooms by Yourself.
>Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
>
>Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors
A man and his young son were walking in an amusement park and the boy was tossing a quarter in the air and catching it in his teeth. Suddenly the boy was bumped by a passerby and the quarter went down his throat and got caught in his windpipe. After struggling for a few seconds, the boy dropped to the ground and started turning blue. The father in a panic yelled out to the crowd, "is anyone a doctor or nurse...my boy is choking and needs help?"
A smartly dressed woman in a business suit gets up from a nearby restaurant pateo and comes over to the two and crouches down by the boy. She reaches up between his legs and gives his privates a gentle squeeze and the boy sputters. She then gives them a more firmer squeeze and the boy bucks a bit but still nothing changes. Finally she gives them a real hard squeeze and the boy spits out the quarter and it lands in her hand. Everybody cheers and claps as the young boy gets back up.
The father was overjoyed and thanked the lady over and over again for saving his boy. He then asked, "How did you learn to do that, are you a doctor or something?" The woman smiled and said, "No, I'm a lawyer ...specialize in divorce!"
Q: What is the difference betweeen beer nuts and deer nuts?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
A: Beer nuts cost $2.99 a can...deer nuts are under a buck!
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