[snapper54]

One day this farmer decided that his three bulls were'nt doing the job that they should be doing. So he decided to buy another bull. The three bull on the farm got wind of this and were'nt happy. The first and the biggest one step forward and said that he was not happy about this and that he only had a 1/2 of a herd and was not going to share. The second one which was the next largest bull, announced that he only had 3/8 of a herd, and that he was not sharing.The third bull which was the smallest said that all he had was the little bit that was left over, and was absolutly not sharing. About three weeks later this semi pulled into the farm. It had this bull that was snorting and shaking the trailer. It stood 7' to the shoulders, and had grissle for muscle. He was the scariest thing that they had ever seen. Just at that moment the bigger of the three stepped forward and said, you know maybe I'll share 1/2 of my1/2 with him. Then the second biggest said, you know maybe I'll give him 1/2 of my 3/8 of the herd. All of the sudden the little bull run at the truck and put his head down and started snorting and throwing gravel with his front hooves. looked like he wanted to fight with the new bull. The other two bull asked him what the heck he was doing, that that bull could kill him. He turned to the other two bulls and said . Heck I'm just letting him know I'm a bull.

[little eggplant]

Fred was taking a shower when his little 4 year old daughter burst in and poked her head around the curtain. Embarrassed and surprised, Fred tried to cover himself up quickly but certain things were seen by the little girl. She looked at his ******* and giggled and said, "Daddy, what are those?" Flustered, Fred said "Uh, those are my fuzzy peaches." The little girl laughed and ran off. She ran to her mother and said "Mommy, have you seen daddy's fuzzy peaches?". Her mother said "Yeah, I saw them. Did he show you the dead limb they were hanging from?".

[flyingscotsman]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." He walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[Rainbow Island]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"


He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a sh*t head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[Rainbow Island]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?

[Rainbow Island]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Rainbow Island]

This guy walked into the doctors office completely coved in saran wrap from


head to toe, the guy said "Well doc, what do you think?"



Doc said, "Well i can clearly see your nuts!"

[Rainbow Island]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And
~~~
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
~~~
Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So

[Rainbow Island]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like
to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

[flyingscotsman]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age,
We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.

Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.