[nan5623]

Originally Posted by nan5623

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'


She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.

Sorry funnyman ~~ here's the rest of the joke. ^^

[flyingscotsman]

What Women Want In A Man....

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

[Rainbow Island]

Did You Say Ghosts?
A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts ??"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost ??"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost ?"

About 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost ?"

Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Abdul, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost !!"

Abdul replied, "Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said 'Goats'!!"

[Rainbow Island]

Heart Attack
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find
her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,'
cries the husband..The blonde rushes downstairs to grab
the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son
comes up and says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding
in the wardrobe and she has no clothes on. " The blonde
slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the
bedroom right past her husband. She rips open the wardrobe
door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and
cowering on the floor.
'You rotten b----', she screams. 'My husband's having a
heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide
and seek with the kids!!'

[Rainbow Island]

Incident at Cabela's.

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,
'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
'He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB
test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week
for only $20.00. 'She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that
sounds like a Master Card,' he says. She bends down to pick it up and
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes
there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being
blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?

'He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50'

[sandgirl]

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.
"You b*stard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

[sandgirl]

A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased.
"This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop.
"My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop.
"But how do we know which is which?"
They though for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea.
"Lets cut off this ones tail"
The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail. The next morning The police chief is standing infront of the horses and looks really mad. The two cops see this and ask whats wrong.
"You two morons cut off the horses tail that's what's wrong!"
"But otherwise we couldn't tell them apart."
"Can't you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one.?!"

[sandgirl]

A drunk man was smoking drugs while driving.
The policeman stop him and says, "Show me you ID?"
The drunk man, "What drugs??"

[sandgirl]

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

[flyingscotsman]

How to wash a toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have some one open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,

The Dog