[Rainbow Island]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


The woman thought about this, but decidedshe had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage upin her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."


The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,"Hi, Keith."

[Rainbow Island]

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog,
but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

[nan5623]

LOL ^^^^^ Good one!

[Rainbow Island]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...



"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"



"What?" said her Grandpa.


"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”

[sandgirl]

Thirty percent of my income goes to food, thirty to rent, thirty for insurance and cars, ten percent for doctor bills. The rest I spend foolishly.

[sandgirl]

A teacher was giving her class a little weekly talk on painting, illustrated by reproductions of famous pictures. "Sir Joshua Reynolds," she said, "Was able to change a smilling face into a frowning one with a single stroke of the brush."

"Huh" little Johnnie was heard to mutter, "My maw kin do that!"

[sandgirl]

TEACHER: "Willie, how do you define ignorance?"

WILLIE: "It's when you don't know something and somebody finds out."

[sandgirl]

After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to return with both the money for the fine and proof of community service. "That way," he said innocently, "you can kill two birds with one stone."

[flyingscotsman]

After getting all of Pope Benedicts luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesnt travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
Excuse me, Your Holiness, says the driver, Would you please take your seat so we can leave?
Well, to tell you the truth, says the Pope, they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.
Im sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen? protests the driver, wishing hed never gone to work that morning..
Who's going to tell? says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
Please slow down, Your Holiness! pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
Oh, dear God, Im going to lose my license -- and my job! moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
I need to talk to the Chief, he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that hes stopped a limo going 205 kph.
So bust him, says the Chief.
I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, All the more reason!
No, I mean really important, said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, Who do you have there, the mayor?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: A senator?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: The Prime Minister?
Cop: Bigger.
Well, said the Chief, who is it?

Cop: I think its God!

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, What makes you think its God?

Cop: His chauffeur is the Pope!

[Rainbow Island]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation
has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie
and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do
not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and
ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is
a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel
glory. Now, stand and confess your transgression.'

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered
as she spoke,

'Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were
a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you
were a wizard under the sheets.'