[sandgirl]

A man was going through the factory of a company that made plastic shapes. As he arrived, a huge number of horse's heads had rolled off the line. Puzzled, he asked, "What do you do with these horse's heads?"

His guide said, "We send them to Washington for final assembly!"

[sandgirl]

Some enlisted men were having trouble getting past the guard at the train station. He said that he couldn't allow anyone through without a ticket. Anyone! An officer came along. The guard explained, "Look, I like GIs. I mean they're protecting us, but I have orders. They're trying to get on without a ticket." The officer said, "Let me take care of this." Turning to the men, he barked, "Attention! Now forward march!"

Smartly past a stunned guard, the men marched through the gate and onto the train. Once aboard, they relaxed and patted the officer on the back, saying, "You're terrific, sir. You're a great guy."

The officer said, "That's all right. I didn't have a ticket either!"

[sandgirl]

A draftee was being questioned by an army psychiatrist. "What do you think of the army?"

"I love it," the young man said. "I want to wear the uniform proudly and learn all about soldiering. Write that down."

The psychiatrist went on, "Will you be a capable soldier?"

"Sir, give me a gun and I'll show you. I'll shoot until the gun melts. If I can't get another weapon, I'll pickup a stick and go at the enemy with that. Then I'll go at them barehanded. I'll bite them if I have to. Write that down."

The psychiatrist said, "You sound a little crazy"

"Write that down!"

[sandgirl]

The sergeant was in a rare mood as he finished drilling his company. He barked out a final order. "All right, you idiots fall out!"

The men fell out, but one rookie stood firm. The sergeant stared as the rookie smiled. "There were a lot of them, weren't there, Sarge?"

[Rainbow Island]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from 499.99 to 699.99, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Rainbow Island]

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

[Rainbow Island]

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you guys because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Oz proclaimed, ‘The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.’

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and I hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning , I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a bottle of Crown Royal, a package of Oreo’s , the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates,

[Rainbow Island]

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send the b**** a few bucks myself."

[allisonguru]

Did ya'll hear Ellen Degeneris died? They found her floating face down in Rickies Lake...

[Rickers]

Researchers have just identified two new diseases.

#1 - Gonorrhoea Lectum
#2 - Sniffalis remorseolitus

They sound like STDs but are really political ailments that also affect folks who don't vote !