[Rainbow Island]

The miracle of toilet paper
Durring this Holiday season I thought I would pass on to you
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER !

The wife fresh from her shower, She stood in front of the mirror complaining
to her husband that her breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically
telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, She got a piece of toilet paper and stood in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' She asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' he replies.
She stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt , didn't it?'

[sandgirl]

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

[sandgirl]

"Excuse me," Mrs. Gibbons said to the sales person, "but I'd like to try on the dress in the window."

"I'm sorry," smiled the clerk, "but you'll have to use the dressing room like everyone else."

[sandgirl]

The owner of a priceless antiques collection allowed a museum to exhibit his treasures. The movers packed the vases while the collector hovered over them. "Do be careful," he cautioned one burly mover. "That vase is nearly two thousand years old."

"Don't worry," the guy replied. "I'll treat it like it was brand new."

[sandgirl]

Fan: "Oh, Miss West, I've heard so much about you."

Mae West: "Yeah, honey, but you can't prove a thing."

[Capt. Dan]

A Man brings his wife home a dozen roses.
Wife says "Great. Now I suppose I have to spread my legs for you?"
Husband says "Why? Cant you find a vase?"

[Rainbow Island]

JOE LEGAL vs. JOSE ILLEGAL
You have two families: "Joe Legal" and "Jose Illegal".
Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California .


Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes
$25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.


Jose Illegal also works in construction, has NO Social Security Number,
and gets paid $15.00 cash "under the table".


Ready? Now pay attention...


Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00
per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has
$31,231.00.


Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or
$31,200.00 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has
$31,200.00.


Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for
his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now
has $24,031.00.


Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and
local clinics at a cost of $0.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has
$31,200.00.


Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or
welfare. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per
year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.


Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps
and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00


Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year. Joe
Legal now has $9,631.00.


Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Jose
Illegal pays out that $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Jose Illegal
still has $ 31,200.00.


Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal
now has $7,231.00.


Jose Illegal says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has
$31,200.00.


Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.


Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities,
gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.


Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after
work.


Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.


Joe Legal's and Jose Illegal's children both attend the same school. Joe
Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose Illegal's children get
a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal's children have an after
school ESL program. Joe Legal's children go home.


Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services,
but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.


Do you get it, now?


If you vote for or support any politician that supports illegal aliens...

You are part of the problem!

It's way PAST time to take a stand for America and Americans!
What are you waiting for? Pass it on.

[flyingscotsman]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male
reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers
till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man
in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[flyingscotsman]

What's the difference between an Escalade and a golf ball? Tiger can’t drive an Escalade 300 yards

Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are said to be named “Elin Woods...clubs you can beat Tiger with”.

Word that Elin Woods was using a “Rescue Club” now has been proved to be untrue as it now appears she was actually trying to knock the s**t out of a Driver.

The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it, " Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger”

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name? Cheetah

[temptation001]

You know these ladies that Tiger had as lovers, were actually confused , you see. When they were little their dads tried to teach them the game of golf, but they weren't into it until they found Tiger. Unfortunately, they couldn't tell the difference between a club and Tiger's 9+incher . They ended up playing with Tiger's 9+incher and feeling like winners every time they scored a hole- in -one.