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I've known people who wished to be cremated and their ashes scattered by family, but did not want services. It is even possible to order a body removed and cremated and the ashes mailed to you, entirely on the internet, for a flat price. Or at least a local funeral home here provides that service and I suspect many others do as well.
Personally, if my survivors would get some comfort or closure from a memorial (and can afford it), they are welcome to put one together. By then I will not even care if there are religious components, since I'll be dead. But I don't need such a service. And I strongly suspect that by the time I die, the handful of people who care that I exist will be so scattered, and that it would be almost selfish to summon them for a memorial.
My parents are long gone, my wife's mother died when she was young and her father is pushing 90. We are basically estranged from her daughter, my son is dead, and so at the end it will be my daughter 600+ miles away, 5 grandkids who barely know me, and my wife (if she doesn't precede me in death) plus my stepson might still be local.
Almost as offensive to me as the idea of a religious service is that people are fine with taking you for granted when you're alive and then they want to make a production of grief and sorrow after you're not around to enjoy anymore to actually benefit from a little validation and respect. But as I say, I'll be dead, and all the histrionics are for the living, not the dead. So they can do what they want, but they are clear that I don't seek a memorial.
There's also the memorial or celebration style of service. Maybe the body has been laid to rest awhile back, or cremated. It's strictly a recounting and celebration of the life of deceased. Could take place anywhere - the location is irrelevant. I've been to one, and it was very positive.
I've known people who wished to be cremated and their ashes scattered by family, but did not want services. It is even possible to order a body removed and cremated and the ashes mailed to you, entirely on the internet, for a flat price. Or at least a local funeral home here provides that service and I suspect many others do as well.
Personally, if my survivors would get some comfort or closure from a memorial (and can afford it), they are welcome to put one together. By then I will not even care if there are religious components, since I'll be dead. But I don't need such a service. And I strongly suspect that by the time I die, the handful of people who care that I exist will be so scattered, and that it would be almost selfish to summon them for a memorial.
My parents are long gone, my wife's mother died when she was young and her father is pushing 90. We are basically estranged from her daughter, my son is dead, and so at the end it will be my daughter 600+ miles away, 5 grandkids who barely know me, and my wife (if she doesn't precede me in death) plus my stepson might still be local.
Almost as offensive to me as the idea of a religious service is that people are fine with taking you for granted when you're alive and then they want to make a production of grief and sorrow after you're not around to enjoy anymore to actually benefit from a little validation and respect. But as I say, I'll be dead, and all the histrionics are for the living, not the dead. So they can do what they want, but they are clear that I don't seek a memorial.
We are in a similar situation and have no desire for any memorial service and cremation is my choice, my wife's also. I am looking forward to a repeat of my encounter without all the meditative effort!
There's also the memorial or celebration style of service. Maybe the body has been laid to rest awhile back, or cremated. It's strictly a recounting and celebration of the life of deceased. Could take place anywhere - the location is irrelevant. I've been to one, and it was very positive.
Yes I have been to a couple of those too, and enjoyed them. You are right, they don't have to be chronologically close to the time of death / burial.
Yet another variation, popularized by the pandemic is the online memorial service, allowing people to participate from great distances. I am hoping that will be available to us when my FIL dies, as they are on the opposite coast and I still do not feel the risk of traveling by plane is acceptable.
I was the executor for my Mom's estate and in life I took care of her alternating 6 months at a time with my brother for the last several years of her life.
I live in Alaska and was serving my last military tour in Arizona. She passed away with me in Arizona, her home and my childhood home was in New York. I had her cremated and flew back with her a year after her death and after my military retirement. I had her interred next to my Dad. No funeral service. I did meet several times with friends and family over the 6 weeks that I spent at our old family home. I gave away much of her family home stuff to friends and family who came by.
I am an atheist but while serving on active duty I listed Methodist as my religion and wore it on my ID (dog tags). If I had been killed that was the religion of my parents and I wanted that for their comfort.
I like that; both choosing his clothes and keeping the lid shut. Sounds like what I'd request! I hope people will have fun and joke around. No need for stuffy serious stuff at the end. Should end on an upbeat note.
My friend's mother was always cheerful and full of fun. She was one of those who left everything in Cuba around 1960 and made a new life here, even though it wasn't always easy. She died at 87 of cancer, but she told my friend she did not want a wake/body on display, so just cremate her. She did want a Catholic funeral service, but she requested that her friends and family gather and "raise a glass to my memory".
After the service, my friend had the mostly-older ladies from her senior residence over for a light brunch, then at five, everyone who wanted to converged on my friend's house with food and whatever drinks they wanted to bring. We played a lot of Tom Jones, whom she loved, and the granddaughters danced to Abuela's favorite salsa music in the living room. It was a great time, and almost as though she was in the next room.
I was the executor for my Mom's estate and in life I took care of her alternating 6 months at a time with my brother for the last several years of her life.
I live in Alaska and was serving my last military tour in Arizona. She passed away with me in Arizona, her home and my childhood home was in New York. I had her cremated and flew back with her a year after her death and after my military retirement. I had her interred next to my Dad. No funeral service. I did meet several times with friends and family over the 6 weeks that I spent at our old family home. I gave away much of her family home stuff to friends and family who came by.
I am an atheist but while serving on active duty I listed Methodist as my religion and wore it on my ID (dog tags). If I had been killed that was the religion of my parents and I wanted that for their comfort.
That was thoughtful.
The night before my brother died, a Catholic priest came in to give last rites to the man in the other bed.
My brother was an atheist, but his daughter, who was 21 when he died, was Catholic.
He asked my brother if he would like to take Communion, and my brother said, "I am not Catholic." The priest asked him if he was Christian, and he said, "Yes." My oldest sister was with him, as was my mother, and my sister laughed and said, "No, you aren't." He just ignored her and took Communion and let the priest pray over him.
I believe he did that for our mother, who was Christian but not Catholic but didn't care about the divisions too much, and his daughter, who heard about it the next day when he died.
The night before my brother died, a Catholic priest came in to give last rites to the man in the other bed.
My brother was an atheist, but his daughter, who was 21 when he died, was Catholic.
He asked my brother if he would like to take Communion, and my brother said, "I am not Catholic." The priest asked him if he was Christian, and he said, "Yes." My oldest sister was with him, as was my mother, and my sister laughed and said, "No, you aren't." He just ignored her and took Communion and let the priest pray over him.
I believe he did that for our mother, who was Christian but not Catholic but didn't care about the divisions too much, and his daughter, who heard about it the next day when he died.
I remember that story and I love it. On my deathbed, I'd do that for the sake of a child or other close loved one if it would ease their mind. But unless something really wild happens that won't be the case with me.
Sort of, there was no funeral but a cremation and a celebration of life, no depressing funeral necessary. I have been to a ton of funerals over the years, I think viewing dead bodies is more than morbid and depressing, even a little scary for those who have never seen one. And the religious mumbo-jumbo, it's all fine and dandy when they think the person who died was a Christian, but if not....they won't say 5 words and then chuck them in the grave.
Little story: I have made it no secret that I came out of fundamentalist Christianity and that I was indoctrinated. Here's a sampling of what I dealt with - my ex-stepmother's son died of cancer, he wasn't that old but I guess he never clamed he was "saved" (he was pretty autistic) and my Dad decided it was his duty to go to his funeral and argue with the pastor who was performing the graveside service.
He stood up in the middle of the ceremony and criticized the Pastor for claiming the poor dead guy was going to heaven and that it was dishonest to tell people that. He said the deceased was not saved and actually it was his fault that he died because he didn't live his life correctly and religiously. I know, it sounds too bizarre to be true. I still can't believe it.
It was unbelievably embarrassing and I wasn't even there but my sister told me about it. It wasn't the first time he had stood up in the middle of church services and argued with the Pastor. But this was a first with the funeral.
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I hope people will have fun and joke around. No need for stuffy serious stuff at the end. Should end on an upbeat note.
