Relocating with a Fickle Spouse. (visa, pay, money, hire)
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When you get fed up with the current job, could you look for one that doesn't involve moving first?
I feel for your wife, just got settled and now has to pack up and do it again. Deal with the DMV, change doctors and a dentist, find a grocery store, pharmacy, coffee place, pizza place, etc. all over again. Do you have kids and have to get them registered in new schools? What about her career?
Are you the big picture we're moving type and she deals with the details? I would get tired of the moving (I haven't moved in over 20 years) and having to start over again. At some point she just might tell you to go ahead and she's going to stay.
When you get fed up with the current job, could you look for one that doesn't involve moving first?
I feel for your wife, just got settled and now has to pack up and do it again. Deal with the DMV, change doctors and a dentist, find a grocery store, pharmacy, coffee place, pizza place, etc. all over again. Do you have kids and have to get them registered in new schools? What about her career?
Are you the big picture we're moving type and she deals with the details? I would get tired of the moving (I haven't moved in over 20 years) and having to start over again. At some point she just might tell you to go ahead and she's going to stay.
As previously mentioned in the thread, it's not clear if the OP actually goes through with the moves or not.
The other question we would have to ask, OP, is if you're the type who tends to get big ideas you don't follow through with (if the moves don't actually happen). I know people who are like that and I bet it's exhausting to deal with. They're the types who will decide they should move (buy a new car, get a dog, start a new career, take up a new hobby) and make all the plans... but never actually do it. Maybe OP's wife expects OP is this way and goes along with the plans, thinking they'll never come to fruition, then is surprised when they seem about to?
Either way, it's probably time for OP's wife to start being honest with herself. She may get excited and caught up in trying to be supportive to OP and maybe in making exciting plans... but in the end realize she doesn't actually want to move and the excitement crashes. She probably needs to realize that she does this, and try to curb it. (And, OP, probably time for you to start being honest with yourself, too: your wife doesn't want to move. I imagine it's probably a waste of your time to keep trying, since you seem to have experienced many times that this is the way it will end. It's unlikely she's going to change.) The real question you have to ask yourselves is whether this is a dealbreaker for your marriage. If not, what are you going to do? There is no "compromise" (and don't think like many people do that "compromise" means "the woman gives in"). Someone is going to get what they want, and someone is going to be very unhappy.
This is the point at which you consider the practical: does she have a job, and would she be able to transfer/get a job that is as good or better where you're moving to? What about you-- is the new job at least as good as the one you're leaving? What about friends/family who will be left behind? Is the new place more or less interesting and would you both be able to continue any hobbies you have? Would you be leaving behind a house that's paid off to get a mortgage again? Does one of you have a doctor with whom you have a camaraderie it will be difficult to find again? (I know some people with health problems who have a doctor who's familiar with and understands their health, and with whom they have a rapport and a good working relationship, and they wouldn't want to have to get used to someone new). What's the difference in cost of living? IOW-- consider difference in quality of life between the two places, or what makes the most financial sense.
Is there anywhere she has always wanted to live or knows she would enjoy living, and if so, can you look for a job in that place? That's the only best "compromise" I can think of.
Nearly half our net worth is tied up in a house we no longer live in. We had many discussions about this and agreed we would clear out the house to sell it. But he's a hoarder and can't bear the thought of moving his things, even though he said he would. We are at an impasse.
I'll get fed-up with my current employer and start looking for a new job and/or new environment.
My spouse will fully support my job searches, interviews and trips for facility tours.
She encourages and supports my efforts, sometimes will even travel with me, when I go on onsite interviews.
She seems to get excited when I actually receive an offer.
Then when the day comes to accept an offer that would cause us to relocate, she does a 180 and becomes the most unsupportive person in my world.
She is always fully involved in where I look for a job and always initially approves of the location.
She is always involved in figuring out the "costs" of moving and investigating the possible housing market.
But once it becomes "real" she flips and becomes a different person.
Where we live, my profession and my age all make it difficult to locate appropriate and interesting work easily, so I am usually forced to look outside my immediate area.
If I settle for the job I have, my life is miserable. If I force the issue and relocate, my life will be uncomfortable for us both.
How have you handled situations like this?
Depends... how often you get fed up with your work and look to relocate?
Maybe having less stuff will make all the future moves more palatable
My mother uses a concierge moving service. They take pictures of every item in your house. Right down to the toilet brush and that old pair of shoes in the garage. They then take pictures of your empty new house and they digitally place everything you own in your new place. You put a red X through anything that you don't want to take with you and they make arrangements for it to be donated or dumped.
As previously mentioned in the thread, it's not clear if the OP actually goes through with the moves or not.
No I decided to stay and deal with work while I continue to search locally.
I feel as if I have forced our last few moves and while overall they all worked out great, I am too old to be the "bad guy" again and Ill just way my time until something local comes up or I finally retire.
My marriage and wife's happiness is more important that my job.....
She should just say no at the very beginning. But obviously you'd find a reason to blame her and complain, right?
The question is why YOU keep trying to change her? And why do you think it's FINE to keep "forcing moves on her" then blaming HER when she doesn't want to move AGAIN.
I think you're the one with the problem. You keep saying "your life is miserable" unless you change jobs yet you've kept changing jobs over and over and forcing the woman to go along with your idealized pipe dream.
You missed the part where the guy has forced her to move several times and STILL wants to keep MOVING.
Yeah, SHE should get a divorce.
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