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Both parents were dead by the time I was 36. (A long time ago.)
Very similar age for me too, 37 and 42. Although my wife's mother is still hanging on. My mother had a saying regarding an aged Battle Ax of a woman in their small farm community many decades ago. "She will never die. Heaven won't let her in and the Devil is scared of her." The same could be said about my M-I-L.
Both my parents are deceased but I have no regrets - I was very open about my love for both of them while they were alive.
They were not perfect parents (and neither am I). In fact, they had some MAJOR shortcomings as parents. But they were good parents in some ways and I just always was grateful for that.
I don't think I would use the term "love and respect" directly (seems stilted/too formal). My parents and grandmother know I love them.
I've never been that close to my dad's parents. Grandpa was a drunk until he was 75 and I was 25. I didn't really spend much time around them growing up. There's no bad blood, but you really can't get those years back.
I understand that many of us grew up with parents who were not the loving people they should have been. I am not implying they deserve sweet words if they never did anything to deserve them.
But I recently read in a Dear Abby column that two men (not same family) have done this and shortly afterward the parent passed away. I thought it was a really loving thing to do. At the end of life with all the infirmities the elderly suffer, to tell them they are loved must give them a wonderful feeling that they are loved. I think many parents understand they could have done a better job (including me).
I imagine it would provide peace of mind to these people before they pass on.
eh - actions speak louder than words.
You can say " I love you" to your parents a bazillion times but if you abuse them by stealing from them, not visiting, not helping with projects - all those words mean nothing.
My mother in memory care doesn't even know my name. I honor my personal ethical obligation to manage her affairs and try to set eyeballs on her at least once per week. Any kind of rational interaction ended a year or two ago.
My father went down a similar path with vascular dementia 10 to 15 years ago but my stepmother managed all of it. I made a point of spending quality time with him my whole adult life so I have no regrets. Owning the problem with my mother, I've told my stepmother a number of times that I didn't really appreciate what she'd gone through and thanked her.
I will be at my parents home at the end of the month. I talk to them once a week. We have a great relationship. My dad is 81 and my mom is 78. My wife's parents are long gone. I never met my mother in law. She passed away when my wife was 9 years old. I hear that she was well loved by many people. At her funeral the chapel was overflowing with people.
But I will add a harsher amendment. If you have been a truly bad parent (or neighbor, friend) and you arrive on your death bed still not having taken that problem as yours, then tough sh*t to you, you evil devil.
Kev, don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel.
We were never much for saying the words in our family, but my brothers and I visited often, throughout our lives, and made sure our parents knew how much we welcomed and enjoyed their visits to us. We spoke on the phone a few times a week, often just a brief call to pass along something interesting or funny. When they needed care, we all helped them to move near to where I live, and I’d take them for a drive every day and have supper with them. And it wasn’t a sacrifice. They were the best company of anyone I know. Mom died last summer and the words still weren’t said, but were expressed in days spent holding her hand, and gently washing her hot face with a cold washcloth. My brothers are both calling dad most nights, and visiting often. I’m nearby and take the ferry over to spend a few days with him most weeks. I was given the most precious gift in my folks, and I know Mom knew how we felt.
Having said that, I suppose that words are good too. So when I see Dad in a few days, I’ll say them. Thanks for the reminder, good forum friend!
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