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I have a 56 year old aunt who has been taking care of my 81 year old grandmother more and more often over the last several years. My grandmother has gone from living on her own in the "family home," to staying with aunt on the weekends to help with my aunt's step-grandson, to needing to be with my aunt more and more often due to her own mobility issues and increasing frailty.
Grandmother has had leg/knee problems the past few months and cannot reliably manage stairs in her own home, and has trouble showering, getting up and down, and going to the restroom given the way her legs are. She has been going to physical therapy and driving herself to it, which is helping some. Even with the therapy, she still needs someone in the house with her and quite a bit of care.
This is time intensive for my aunt. Grandmother is still unwilling to sell her own home and downsize to something more amenable to someone with mobility issues, or just live with aunt full time. I'm doing upkeep on her house that is rarely lived in now. We're at our wit's end with this housing issue.
Over the past few months, my aunt has also been caring for her stepson's son at least half-time, who is five years old. The stepson is a deputy and works crazy hours, sleeps around on his wife, and doesn't want to spend time with his son. The stepson's wife lives with her parents and is very low income - their domestic situation is strained. The little boy has no stable situation and my aunt has been taking on the "mom" role there as well. She's been coordinating his after school activities, he stays with her on the weekends and occasionally during the week, etc. The mom is useless and dad even more so.
She's in the middle of a "club sandwich," caring or stepping in for her own parents, her stepson/wife, and the grandson to varying capacities at various times. None of these people are able or willing of taking care of themselves or their own responsibilities.
Are you a sandwiched senior? How has this impacted your own retirement? Are your parents, children, or grandchildren really demanding of your time?
These are enough balls to juggle, but it got worse today. Aunt has worked at the local cable company and has survived numerous mergers over the years. She started there in the early 1980s after college when it was a local outfit, and now is employed by one of the big national cable providers. There are around a hundred jobs at this office.
All of the jobs are being eliminated in our small town by Q2 2018 and sent to Charlotte, St. Louis, and New York City. The timing by functional unit will likely be decided over the next few weeks. The current employees can keep their current jobs if they move to one of these areas.
This is going to be an absolute mess for our family. Both aunt and grandmother are widowed. She is frugal, but being single income myself, I know how hard it is to get by just on one income. She has gotten some money from various life insurance policies her late husband inherited. She has some money, but she's seen this coming for awhile and has said she doesn't have enough to quit working.
She has always made pretty good money, and my guess is she will not be able to make anywhere near what she does now, given the state of the local economy and her age. My mother is not able to even take care of her own day to day affairs without assistance from my dad and myself, and would be of no help caring for grandmother. My guess is mom and dad probably make less put together than my aunt does.
I don't know how this is going to play out. My aunt hasn't lived anywhere else her entire life - grandmother hasn't lived anywhere else since my grandfather was in the military back in the Korean War. I don't think either want to move, and could not do it on their own anyway. With the grandchild's situation, I doubt my aunt wants to leave him with his deadbeat parents.
I feel sorry for my aunt. My mother is unable to help with any of this caregiving. Grandmother is not making things easy by fiercely trying to remain as independent as possible, even though she really doesn't have the mobility she needs to do so. Her stepson and his wife have been immensely disappointing - he's basically an absentee father and mom has gotten into a partying binge lately, and they just pawn the kid off on aunt.
How would you handle things if you were my aunt? Put your foot down to the lousy stepson and his wife on the grandbaby? Take the job and Charlotte and try to move grandma there? Try to muddle through here with whatever you can?
How we would handle it is immaterial. I also feel bad for your aunt, but feeling sorry does not help her. She can't save everybody, and she needs to take care of herself first, or she won't be there to help anyone else. It's sort of like putting your own oxygen mask on first, so you can help others after that.
How would you handle things if you were my aunt? Put your foot down to the lousy stepson and his wife on the grandbaby? Take the job and Charlotte and try to move grandma there? Try to muddle through here with whatever you can?
Obviously Aunt needs to take care of her needs and move to where her job will relocate. That is her #1 priority. If Aunt is willing to have grandma move in with her when she moves, she can make the offer to grandma. If grandma is unwilling to move, there is nothing aunt can do.
Your aunt needs to deal with her own life first , last & most. That means keeping her job and moving probably to Charlotte.
She'll need to give the little kid back to his parents and remind them that he is their responsibility, not hers.
After she settles into Charlotte, then she can decide if her living and financial situation would permit her to ask Grandma to move with her. She may find that living on her own is far better than taking on the care & problems of everyone else in the family.
Although I think it is time for Grandma to understand that she needs senior living arrangements
(apartment) , assisted living, etc.
I agree with Willow Wind. All adults in this party need to step up to the plate. Child goes with parents; aunt moves with job; grandmother face reality.
As much as we want to help our senior relatives, sometimes it's just not possible to do it & keep things running smoothly (or even limping along!) in our own lives. Check out the Caregiving forum, you'll see what I mean. At 56, it's too early for your aunt to retire. She needs to look out for herself, and maybe have a come to Jesus talk with grandma. Maybe grandma would relocate, maybe not.
And the stepson & wife need to suck it up and put their child first. Be the kid's parents. Sadly, this isn't a popular idea anymore & the little one will be the one who suffers. I hope there's a light at the end of the tunnel & things work out.
OP, who may find some great advice and insight to help your aunt on the "caregiving" board.
You say your mother can't help? Are YOU in the same area. Perhaps YOU could help your grandmother. Especially, given that your mom can't -- and also if the aunt has to move away.
It shouldn't all be on your aunt when there ARE other family members.
Well, the entire office (aside from a few installation technicians) will be laid off by Q2 2018. Hopefully that's calendar quarter, not fiscal.
She'll get a year of severance plus her capped twelve weeks of PTO accrual. Depending on when the layoff occurs, she could keep regular pay coming in until she's at or near 58 in 5/2019. At 59.5, she can start drawing down her own savings, plus she's said over the years hubby's and his first wife's retirement have not been touched. At 60, she can get early benefits on his SS. There are also several inheritances that her husband received from his side of the family before his death. She's said numerous times that she's not able to fully retire yet. Given the lifespan in her family, the financials, and that she's still capable of working, I don't think quitting now is smart.
She's very religious and said last night she doesn't fell "led" to other areas (code for "I'm not moving"). I told her she needs to think rationally if she wants or needs to continue working, and that a job seeker needs to put in a lot of effort to find new employment. I told her to consider telecommuting options. As someone who HAS been laid off in this area's economy and ultimately had to move, I don't think she's taking this as seriously as she should. Unless she's able to fully retire, she may not find anything more than a $10-$12/hr job here. Keep in mind she has never had to look for new employment, been laid off, or had to move. All of this is new to her at 56. These days, most people go through this at least once by 30.
I think she's all but given up on the stepson and wife, and is just compensating for their failures to try to make the little boy's life as stable as possible. She feels an obligation to try to keep his life stable. After her husband died, she sold the stepson the family home for pennies on the dollar, moved into her own condo (with a mortgage...), and he has fallen behind on the mortgage periodically, requiring her to bail him out. He also tried to join the highway patrol and flunked out of that program, and was in the national guard for several years after a tour as an MP in Afghanistan.
Meanwhile, she doesn't want to relocate grandma. Dad was saying last night we'll have to do more of the caregiving around the house for grandma if aunt is unable to do so. Of course, tonight is mowing and trash night over there, so I'll be mowing the place after work.
Grandma is adamant about not moving. The family is adamant about grandma staying where she is. Aunt is adamant about not moving and not laying down the law to her stepson and life. This is an interesting mashup of sandwiching, layoffs, and stubborn seniors not willing to adjust to new realities. I have a feeling all this is going to come to a head in a crisis.
Quote:
Originally Posted by selhars
OP, who may find some great advice and insight to help your aunt on the "caregiving" board.
You say your mother can't help? Are YOU in the same area. Perhaps YOU could help your grandmother. Especially, given that your mom can't -- and also if the aunt has to move away.
It shouldn't all be on your aunt when there ARE other family members.
I already keep the house up. I clean, mow, do the outside chores. Grandma had been paying to have someone mow the yard and such, but I've been doing that since I moved back to town last year.
My mother is extremely obese and cannot walk even a couple hundred yards without needing to sit. She's not in the shape to even care for her own needs, much less anyone else's. Dad pays all their bills - if something happened to him, I doubt mom would even know where/how to keep things going. I don't remember the last time mom even set foot in a grocery store with him assisting her. She's basically a dependent.
I don't mind mowing the yard and such, but if you cannot reliably get up and down the stairs to go to the restroom (this is a small tri-level home and there is nowhere to even put a bathroom on the main floor), get out of the bed on your own power, etc., it's time to think about other options. Unless she starts showing significant ambulatory improvement, she's getting to where she cannot even transfer from one service to another appropriately.
Last edited by Serious Conversation; 06-29-2017 at 07:55 AM..
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